Jesus Says That God Will Torture You

Biblical study is great for the mind, the soul, and occasionally, the funny bone. In this little snippet we discover Jesus justifying the use of torture and informing us of the fact that God will totally waterboard our asses if we aren't nice to one another. It's sort of like when you were a kid and you were acting up and your parents threatened to stop the car and make you walk, except in this version, your allegedly Eternal Father threatens to torture the hell out of you for all eternity. God is nothing if not a stern disciplinarian.

This starts at Mathew 21, and is called 'The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant'. If you want to read it, go ahead, it's a charming tale about a master who forgives his servant a debt. At first the servant is happy, but when another servant owes the first servant a debt, the first servant has him thrown in jail. When the master finds out about this, all hell breaks loose.

32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.

33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'

34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

So the heartwarming message in this little parable is that we must be forgiving and merciful to one another on pain of being tortured by God. I don't know about you, but I'm already feeling much, much more forgiving.

You see, because I'm generally an awful human being, mercy and justice aren't native to my condition. I need to be terrified into being nice to people with threats about a vengeful God, allegedly relaid by Jesus, who enjoyed playing the role of irritating tell-tale on Earth until such time as we all lost patience with him and nailed him to a tree. Now it's even worse, because instead of being dead and gone, he's like a sort of stalker, always in us and watching us. Like Santa, but without the presents.

But what about those who torture on Earth? I haven't found Jesus' official line on that one yet, but it would appear that torture is totally copacetic in the heavenly realms. It is therefore not entirely clear whether or not those who continue to torture on Earth these days will also be tortured for all eternity by their heavenly Father. Perhaps they will instead become the Lord's little torture protegees, always first in line for free produce at Heaven's donut shop. That's the way I'd do it. After all, order has to be maintained, even in the heavenly realms.

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