Is Suicide a Sin? Is it Forgivable?

Suicide Stories rarely have happy endings.
Suicide Stories rarely have happy endings. | Source

Preventing Suicide

If you're looking for suicide stories or suicide articles, I have one for you. It's true, and after all these years, it still hurts. As a public high school teacher, I had some training in recognizing suicidal thoughts. Suicide at any age is terrible, but teenage suicide is especially tragic. When a young person loses all hope, enough so that a suicide attempt is imminent, it's devastating - for the family, for the friends, for the school, for the community, and, of course, for the teenager. Sometimes preventing suicide is possible in the case of youth suicide. But what about preventing suicide for older individuals? In my opinion, it's more difficult to recognize and interpret suicidal thoughts in an adult, and suicide prevention becomes more difficult. Why do I think this? I'll tell you. Even with my training in suicidal prevention, I was unable to recognize the suicidal thoughts my own father was having. The typical signs just weren't there.

Dad in World War II
Dad in World War II | Source

Suicidal Signs

I was all too aware of the typical suicidal signs. Unfortunately, I had seen signs of suicide in teens. Suicidal signs might include a general loss of interest in activities. Dad was almost completely bedridden, so this was hard to judge. Obviously, he couldn't continue to do things he had enjoyed when he was in better health.

Other suicidal signs include talking a lot about death or expressing a wish to die. Dad didn't do either of these things. I mean, he was always willing to discuss death and dying if the subject came up in a conversation, but he never seemed to dwell on the topic, and he certainly never seemed to have suicidal thoughts.

Suicidal signs might also include calling or otherwise contacting family members and friends in order to give a last farewell. My father didn't do that, either. Neither did he make any attempts to otherwise make final arrangements or bring closure to unresolved issues.

Many individuals entertaining suicidal thoughts will be very depressed, or they might exhibit a sense of peace after a period of depression. Dad never appeared to be really depressed, so there was no "calm before the storm."

Dad's Attempted Suicide resulted in death.
Dad's Attempted Suicide resulted in death. | Source

Attempted Suicide

We got the call about Dad's attempted suicide on a cold November night in 2001. Actually, it was very early in the morning, like around three a.m. Of course, the ringing phone startled me awake, but I didn’t panic immediately. Our phone number was similar to that held by some unknown teenager, so once in a while we’d get middle-of-the-night wrong numbers. Johnny answered the call, and I could tell that this one wasn’t a wrong number and that something was wrong

“That was Laverne. Your dad shot himself.”

The words seared themselves into my brain, but it’s like they didn’t register at first. I had to pick each one up separately and closely examine it before I could combine them into a horrible, meaningful sentence that slapped my consciousness with painful reality. Tears began to flow uncontrollably.

“Why would he do that?? Where was he? Where is Mama? Is she okay?” I asked through sobs, before asking the ultimate question: “Is he alive??”

Yes, he was still alive. Johnny didn’t know much more, however, except that Dad was in the emergency room. We threw on some clothes and drove the twenty miles north to the hospital. Although Johnny was forcing the Jeep at a breakneck speed on the interstate, it seemed to take forever.

When we reached the hospital, I ran into the emergency room door and was immediately led into the back. A nurse pointed me to the curtained cubicle that held my father, and as I was entering, I heard Daddy ask my brother and my mom, “Where’s Holle?”

I rushed to the cot and hugged him. He was fully conscious, but I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. No words would come. I just stood there and held his hand, until a nurse ushered us all out, explaining that they were taking Daddy into emergency surgery. At that point, I told him that I loved him.

All of us were herded into a private conference room: me, Mom, Johnny, and my brother, John, and his wife, Laverne. Laverne is a nurse, and at the time, she was in charge of several parts of the hospital, including the ER and ICU. She gave Johnny and me all the details as my mom and brother sat there in numbed silence.

“Something woke your mom up around 2:30, so she went into check on your dad. She asked him if he was okay, and he pulled down the sheet, revealing a gunshot wound in his chest. She called 911, and they brought him here. We won’t know how much damage has been done until they open him up. Dr. Kerry is doing the surgery, and when he knows something, he’s going to meet with us in here.”

I don’t remember how long we had to wait, but it seemed like an eternity. Johnny had called our daughters, and they soon joined us. I remember that we were all freezing, so someone suggested we make the short drive to my parents' home to get some coats and sweaters. Johnny was elected, and my youngest daughter and I made the trip with him.

When we got to the house, it was as quiet as death. We found a sweater in the den, and Johnny started for Dad’s bedroom to get some jackets from the winter closet. Melissa and I started to follow him, but he stopped us. He didn’t want us to see all the blood he assumed would be there. But I wanted to go in there. I needed to go in there. Johnny remained steadfast, however, and made us wait in the hall until he checked out the scene.

In just a few seconds, he called us in. There was very little blood – just a circle on the bed about the size of a silver dollar. Under Dad’s hospital bed, lying innocuously on the hardwood floor, was the bullet. The oak planks weren’t even affected. The bed and Dad’s body had taken all the impact from the .38 pistol.

Once we got back to the hospital with an armload of coats and sweaters, we didn’t have to wait long for Dr. Kerry. We learned that the slug had entered the chest and had ricocheted around, taking out parts of lungs, intestines, and the liver, but leaving the intended target – the heart - completely untouched. Dad suffered from Parkinson’s disease, so his shaky hands had poor aim. The doctor said they had repaired what they could, but the outlook was grim. Daddy was 85 at the time.

The next three weeks were a nightmare. Dad was in ICU, hooked up to all kinds of machines. He was fully conscious for the first two weeks, but he couldn’t communicate with us. He couldn’t talk because of the ventilator, and his hands were too shaky to write a message. We took shifts to sit with Dad so that he wouldn’t be alone.

I remember the last time I saw my father conscious. It was Thanksgiving Day, and we had traveled to my brother’s house for the noon meal. John lived about twenty miles north of the hospital – about forty miles from my house. Although our car was loaded down with leftover food, I insisted that we stop at the hospital on our way back home.

It was obvious that Dad was losing his battle. He looked small and weak in the bed, and the light had left his eyes. He was awake, so I chatted with him for a while before telling him we had to go. He shook his head and furrowed his brow, begging me not to leave, so I stayed longer. They had moved the breathing tube to his throat, so his mouth was free, but he still couldn’t talk. He did, however, try to tell me something, but he was unable to do so. He held up his right hand as if he were writing, signifying that he wanted to try scribbling a message. His attending nurse saw this and immediately ran to get a pencil and paper.

Dad tried repeatedly to use the pencil, but his hands were too weak to hold it. It kept falling onto the sterile white sheets. The effort wore him out, and he soon fell asleep. Johnny and I left the hospital and went home.

I’ll never know what Daddy wanted to tell me that day, and it still haunts me. Did he want to explain his actions? Or did he want to tell me how much he loved me? Although he wasn’t able to directly convey these thoughts, in my heart, I think I know the answers to both questions.

I had never doubted my father’s love. He was hard working and completely devoted to my mother and to his children. He spent a lot of quality time with us when we were kids, and he taught us many valuable lessons. His love and support for us were always unconditional. He doted on my three daughters, his only grandchildren. In return, the girls absolutely adored him.

As for why he attempted to take his own life, I understand that, too. Daddy was a devout Christian, but he had always believed that suicide was justified if one had no hope of getting better and he was ruining his family either financially or emotionally. My father had suffered several recent bouts of congestive heart failure, along with small strokes and heart attacks. He also had severe spinal arthritis, and as already mentioned, Parkinson’s. He knew that he was never going to get well.

Another reason my dad pulled the trigger was because of my mom. I’ve never known a man who loved his wife as much as Daddy loved Mama, and taking care of him was killing her. She was 81 at the time and had fairly recently had open-heart surgery and a full hip replacement. The rest of the family helped out when we could, but we all had full time jobs, so most of Dad’s care fell upon my mother. He knew that caring for him was taking a devastating toll on my mom.

Dad had always been strong and independent, a real “man’s man.” The weeks before his suicide attempt, however, he had been almost completely dependent on others. I knew this totally went against his nature and that it was destroying him emotionally. He couldn’t stand the idea of being helpless, but he tried to stay upbeat as much as he could.

A couple of days after Thanksgiving, Laverne called to say they wanted to take Dad off life support, and she wanted to know how I felt about it. He had completely lost consciousness. I didn’t really have to think. I knew if Daddy could have mustered up the strength to tear away all the life-giving tubes and wires, he would have done so himself. The entire family was in agreement. We waited for my father to die.

It wasn’t like I had seen in movies and on TV, where they shut everything off and the patient expires almost immediately. Dad hung on for another few days. And strangely enough, I knew the exact moment of his passing. Johnny and I were staying at Mom’s house so that she wouldn’t be alone when it happened. We were still taking shifts at the hospital, and I always had the afternoon shift, right after I got off work. That fateful night, however, I had the overwhelming urge to go to see Daddy at around ten p.m. I threw on some clothes and headed out the door, and Johnny asked me where I was going. He asked me to wait for him to change clothes – he wanted to go with me. As he was lacing his shoes, there was a knock on the back door, and it was John and Laverne. They had come to tell us that Dad was gone.

Is Suicide a Sin?
Is Suicide a Sin? | Source

Is Suicide a Sin?

Is suicide a sin? As a Christian, I struggled with Dad’s suicide, as did my Mom and the rest of the family. I'd always heard that suicide is a sin, but after my experience with my father, I'm not so sure. If it is a sin, I think it's one that can be forgiven. In fact, I somewhat see Dad's attempted suicide as a selfless act. I fully believe that God understood. He forgave my father’s actions. He knew that Daddy’s old body was tired of dealing with constant pain, and that his mind and heart were exhausted from seeing Mom so depleted from caring for him. I feel totally confidant that God welcomed my father with open arms and that I’ll see him again. Even so, it still saddens me that we didn't see the suicidal signs, if there were any. None of us had any idea that he was having suicidal thoughts.

More by this Author

Comments 102 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is where he wanted to be at that point in his life.

DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

DeBorrah K. Ogans 6 years ago

Habee, My condolences, grieve your loss and CELEBRATE his life!

No one but God really knows what happens in the last moments of one’s life transition to eternity… I truly believe that those who belong to the LORD return to HIM… I feel your Dad did not actually take his own life… Yes he pulled the trigger but the LORD in HIS GRACE allowed him to stay around a bit longer and actually LIVE to give you all more time to make the adjustment… It actually was the damage from the bullet that took his life. “PRAISE be to the GOD and FATHER of our LORD JESUS CHRIST, the FATHER of compassion and the GOD of ALL COMFORT, who comforts us in all our troubles…” II CORNTHIANS 1

As you say;“ I feel totally confidant that God welcomed my father with open arms and that I’ll see him again.” I agree! REJOICE knowing that you will see him again someday… Be ENCOURAGED! Thank you for sharing, In HIS Love, Grace, Joy, Peace & Blessings! GOD BLESS YOU!

fucsia profile image

fucsia 6 years ago

Yours is a sad story. the suicide is always difficult to understand and accept. The gesture of your father was a gesture of love. Sometimes we make things wrong with the best intentions. The thing that matters are the feelings, and his feelings were good. Therefore, his act must be forgiven.

dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

My condolances as well. I think this is a grey area in theology. We do not really know what transpires in the mind of one who commits suicide.The Catholic Church has not been as absolute on this subject as it once was.

ecoggins profile image

ecoggins 6 years ago from Corona, California

A heart wrenching story for sure. A depth of pain I have never known. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that suicide is an unforgivable sin. It is the unfortunate consequence of this fallen world which can overwhelm even the most devout Christian. Deborrah is right. If your father was a loving and devoted child of God, father, and husband; then rejoice and celebrate his life. And, if there be a lesson in his death, learn from it.

profile image

ThePeeDeeWildcat 6 years ago from Just Across The State Line

Habee:---Who, among mankind, can judge your father's actions? A person can only endure so much pain and agony in these tabernacles of flesh. None of us, who are blessed with good health, can realize just how our final moments upon this earth will be. From your description, your father was bought with the blood of Christ. Therefore, the Lord will not and cannot relinquish your dad. Your father sounds as if he could have been a brother to my father. My father came up the hard road during hard times, yet he did his duty. Your father did his duty, too! I believe that they're both indescribably active and happy in a better land right now!

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

I'm sorry to hear about this. But in my perspective, match, death, and live is under control of God. We don't have to cut the destiny by suicide. I hope we can learn from your story. Take care!

Blessing and hugs,

profile image

SilverGenes 6 years ago

Holle, I'm so sorry for all of you going through this. Your dad sounds like he was a very loving and thoughtful person and that's what matters. The thought of God being less forgiving than us lowly humans just doesn't make any sense to me. Hugs, my friend xx

Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

Hey Holle, that was a very detailed account. Excellently written. My condolences. I'm going to save you the religious twist. I can understand how your father viewed himself and his family. My father passed many years ago(20+) and I know the loss. The closeness you had with him will be what you now hold onto. Remember it, but don't dwell on it. Since you wrote this Hub, I can only hazard to guess, you've made peace with what happened.

I congratulate you on moving forward. It is best, and to answer your question- Is Suicide Forgivable? I would have to say that it is actually irrelevant. You accepted your father, for the man he was. There would be no reason to forgive him, for his actions. Just accept and move forward. We all make our own choices, the reasons behind each choice sets off a chain of events in our life. The closeness you had with him, should allow you to explain to yourself his actions. Your love and continued love, shows acceptance of him regardless. ;) Definitely voted up! :)

stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 6 years ago from Bend, Oregon

Holle, I am so sorry! I wish I could find the right words in situations like these, but truly all I can say is that you and your family are in my prayers.

You can decide at some point if suicide is forgivable from your perspective. I believe in a loving God and firmly hold to the truth that he loves us all as we are - imperfect and flawed - no matter the decisions we make.

FloBe profile image

FloBe 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching story. I also am sorry for your loss. Perhaps it spoke to me so deeply because my Dad is 84 and wanting to die. He has had so much to live for and yet has wanted out of life for a long time. Even though I can understand some of the "whys" I still would feel a huge loss if he wasn't alive anymore. My heart goes out to you.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, Bpop. He sure loved his wife and kids, and he adored his granddaughters!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Deb, I've had those same thoughts. At least we had the chance to tell him goodbye.

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Very sad. I feel for you. I can understand why someone would commit suicide. A person can only take so much pain, physically or otherwise. How can we judge someone for wanting to be in peace after being in pain?

lctodd1947 profile image

lctodd1947 6 years ago from USA

Habee, Your father still had his mind in the beginning as he wanted to write something down for you. I can believe that it was that he has asked the Father to forgive him, again. There is only one sin that cannot be forgiven and this is not it. Since he had the time to pray and since he lived and did not die instantly, he had time to talk to the said he was a Christian..he knew what to do. Habee, I am sure he talked to the Father. That is all he had to do is say; Lord forgive me.. If he repented for his actions; he did not have to ask the Father outloud; he is okay and living in a place we all want to go.

Believe and be at ya Habee.

Sandyspider profile image

Sandyspider 6 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

I am so sorry your dad felt he had to take his life. Sorry for your loss. I am sure there is peace for his spirit.

Ken R. Abell profile image

Ken R. Abell 6 years ago from ON THE ROAD

Thanks for sharing your heart-wrenching journey. The only answer I know to the Hub's title question is this: God's grace knows no boundaries, God love is from everlasting to everlasting, God is fully aware of the fragility & anguish of being human. When your father passed from time to eternity he experienced grace, love, empathy, forgiveness, & understanding.

Peace & blessings to you, Holle. Take care.

garynew profile image

garynew 6 years ago from Dallas, TX and Sampran, Thailand

many suicides are the results of mental illness or even a sudden 'mental aberration'. anyway, who can know the mind of God? those who think they do will be in for a shock.

katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

Very touching and extremely well written. I lost my Dad when he was very young, my kids never knew him. I know this, good people who love and give freely NEVER EVER have a bad afterlife NEVER! Don't give it a second thought you know this is true. Thanks for sharing this especially touched me. Love and Blessings, Katie

CMHypno profile image

CMHypno 6 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

Habee, this is a very sad story, but your father must have been under intense emotional pressure and in physical pain to do what he did. There is nothing to forgive, and I truly believe that all he will receive on the other side is healing and love.

msannec profile image

msannec 6 years ago from Mississippi (The Delta)

Habee, my heart goes out to you and your family. It sounds like you all have shared so much love, and that your father was a very loving man who never wanted to cause his family and undue hardship. Take comfort knowing that his unconditional love for his family was his top priority. I wish you peace, blessings, and continued comfort. (((hugs)))

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

I'm so very sorry you've had to experience such sorrow, but I do understand your father's motivation and believe a merciful God would certainly understand.

Much love to you.

saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Habee first please accept my deepest condolences and know that I am fully supportive of your father's decision and all the reasons cited above.

I to would have done the same and will find a way when it's my time to go. I will not be a burden to my family, friends or caregivers. May he RIP and shine his light upon you and always be the gentle voice you hear inside your soul. It was his time and he stopped the suffering for everyone.

Peace and hugs to you my friend. Gather your family in remembrance at Christmas and pray for peace and kindness in the world and uplift your Daddy who watches forever from on High.

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 6 years ago from Oakley, CA

I am so very sorry, Holle. This is a heart-wrenching tale, and you are very brave for sharing it.

I believe everyone has to make the choices that affect their own lives. We ultimately hold our own destiny in our hands by our various choices throughout life.

It is not up to us or anyone else to pass judgement about to forgive or not in such cases. Sometimes, such as with financial woes, suicide by a much younger person is a selfish act and a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

In your dad's case, however, I can see how it was an act of love and compassion for those he cared about, as well as simply ending quickly what was coming anyway. My grandfather ended his life by the same means due to severe emphysema. It is shocking to hear such news, but understandable in the final analysis.

Blessings to you, and may there be peace in your heart.

akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon

Holle, even though I know the story, I'm still sorry for all of you. That is the irony of suicide I think and the hurt - for those left behind and trying to understand it.

I never think of it as a matter of forgiving though. I've always felt that if someone was so upset they couldn't go on living, it would seem like a judgment if I 'labeled' that. It just is and although the grief is never forgotten and it seems like a terrible thing to do to people you love, I think of the agony the person must be in and try and look at it like an illness they just couldn't lick. Doesn't make it easier on the folks left behind and again, I'm sorry. He sounds like a great dad!

sweetie1 profile image

sweetie1 6 years ago from India

Hi, it is bad what u went through or going through.. sucide attempts always leave lots of scars behind and if it is sucessful than it hurts a lot to the people left behind and if there is some note in which the person to sucide blame someone then legal problems are too

Jennifer Theories profile image

Jennifer Theories 6 years ago from Canada

Many people have differing opinions on life and death, God and divinity. Each one of us has our own direct connection to God. In my experience there is no judgement or condemnation coming from God, only deep loving sympathy and forgiveness. Maybe one day our society will be more forgiving of the transition that we all must undergo by allowing us the right to move through death by choice rather than at the mercy of our imperfect bodies. As we do for our loving animal friends when we know they can no longer experience joy in this world, we should be allowed to go peacefully with family and friends surrounding us. This is not the same thing as suicide.

I hope that you can feel his presence in your daily life now. He is happy, safe, loved and free.

profile image

Butch News 6 years ago

Suicide hurts a lot of people sometimes. I'm an atheist and consider all religions evil so the idea of forgiveness is redundant. People who kill themselves are in a state of great distress. If you are one of the religious types then I suggest you recall the concept "judge not".

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

Habee, I am also sorry for your loss but I can understand your father's despair with his health and your mother's problem. As a Christian, I believe we have a loving, forgiving God. Your father may very well have asked for forgiveness for what he was about to do, or afterwords while in the hospital, and God always forgives.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Fucsia, I have totally forgiven him. Thanks.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Good point, Dahoglund!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Ecoggins, I CAN celebrate his life!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

PD, I believe that, too!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Hugs back to you, Prasetio!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Silver, that sounds right to me!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Ray, many thanks, my friend.

I have moved on, and now I have only good memories of my father.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, Steph! I feel the same way.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Flobe, thank you very much.

BBeeBB profile image

BBeeBB 6 years ago from California

I just read your story,

thank you, I believe that you have have already answered the question that you asked, now, but let me comment anyways.

I suspect that the answer that you received is more than you will ever be able to express altogether, and that the question you posed will never again mean what it meant before you came to this place.

I would have said to you simply that your father is a hero, obviously, but a hero who found himself in a terrible predicament.

He did the best he could under the circumstances. Sometimes we just can't see all the options until it's too late. How many times have each one of us made such a realization after crossing the last bridge? I am glad you have found peace, and grateful that you shared this story.

Blessings to your family

Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

I am very sorry to read about your heartbreak but you have written a brilliant tribute to your father. I wouldn't blame him for one minute or any other suicide. When life doesn't make sense anymore where is the sense to live.

I don't believe in heaven and hell as all the religions painting it. I think heaven and hell is down here. I think there is just peace and God and all the forgiving God. I also don't believe that the soul gets contempt for what the human does and I am talking now about murderers. I don't believe for one minute that suicide is a sin or crime. With religion everything is a sin and/or comtemnation which I don't believe. God suppose to be good and all forgiving.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

You're right, Rob. I think Dad just wanted peace.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Ictodd, thanks for your kind words. I share your sentiments.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Sandy, I believe there is.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Ken, peace and blessings to you, too.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Right, Gary. Man has been trying to figure that out for years!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Katie, sad that your kids never got to know your dad. My girls adored their Papa!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

CM, I fully believe that in my heart!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Anne, thanks for the hugs, and I return some to you!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Hi, Laurel! It was a tough time, but I'm okay with it now.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks for your kind words, Saddlerider. Mom is with Dad now, so we have two guardian angels!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Hi, Lizzy. I don't think all suicides are equal, either. Dad didn't have a selfish bone in his body.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Great to hear from you, Buckie! He was an awesome dad and husband...and a fantastic "Papa"!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Sweetie, nice to have you as a guest here!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, Jeniffer. I do feel the presence of both parents at times.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Butch, I try not to judge. I might have done the same thing in Dad's position.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Howdy, Pam! I think we'll never understand the immensity of God's forgiveness!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, BB. I like the way you think!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

God is good, HH, and I believe he understood.

profile image

SirDent 6 years ago

Hugs. I feel I must say this. We all have fallen short of the glory of God. We are justifed by the blood of Jesus Christ and through him alone.

From what I read, your father was a very good man. We all have times when we feel down and even depressed. My mother in law had Parkinsons, so I know what that is like as far as seeing someone who has it. It is a debilitating disease which causes embarassamnt to those who have it.

God does indeed understand. That doesn't mean he condones sin or wrongdoing of any kind. I must be truthful here. I don't believe there is anyway to truly justify suicide, but I do know forgiveness is for those who ask.

mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

Habee, you have my sympathy. I think your father did a brave act. I think of the poem "Invictus." "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Sir Dent, I believe we have a very loving, forgiving God.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Mystery lady, I love "Invictus"!

ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 6 years ago

Habee , I am sorry about youur father. You have done a great thing by sharing this heartache , There is no greater peace than where he is now! And of course the answer is, Yes it is forgivable.

Veianet profile image

Veianet 6 years ago

Habee, Death is sad and happy. Sad your father is no longer with you yet be happy that he is in a better place. What a beautiful family indeed, supportive and with so much love. Just remember that God forgives no matter what...because He is love himself.

Will keep your family in prayers...

NJ's Posting 6 years ago

Immediately I thought, "Oh man, how horrible!" I felt some of your shock, pain, and even the forgiveness. Wow! All I can write is I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I also want to tell you that lady, hands down, you are a wonderful writer!!

onceuponatime66 profile image

onceuponatime66 6 years ago from USA IL

I am so sorry for your loss. The worst part is all the holidays and the memories to part with. Or remember and having them not be there. You must be so strong to be able to even write about this. I empathize with you heart fully.

pennyofheaven profile image

pennyofheaven 6 years ago from New Zealand

Anything is forgivable when unconditional love exists. As you have articulated well in your hub. Much love and strength to you Habee.

profile image

luabu 6 years ago

A beautiful Love Story

Your Dad was very brave.

Thanks for sharing this.

Jess_C profile image

Jess_C 6 years ago

My best friend attempted suicide a few months ago and was unsuccessful. Thankfully, her attempt did not have long term consequences on her physical health. She is only 2 months older than me, and has been a close friend for a few years now, and neither myself nor her husband saw it coming. It shatters your world when someone close to you attempts suicide. I still don't think I've fully wrapped my head around it.

I am sorry you had to go through this loss in such a way. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man and it's ashame he had so many issues to deal with at the end of his life. I wish you and your family the best.

profile image

Unknown Explorer 6 years ago from Kolkata,India

life is a flowing river. You have to live by losing and by gaining at the same time.

sorry for your loss.

lovetherain profile image

lovetherain 6 years ago from Untited States

There is nothing to forgive

VOICE CIW profile image

VOICE CIW 6 years ago

habee, I am sorry for your loss. I could only imagine what you and your family been through, my prayers go out for you and your family. One of God's Commandment says thou shall not kill, and that means even if you kill yourself. But God is merciful, He says He will have mercy on whom He have mercy. Also your father was a christian, I just got to believe he made peace with God, before he left this world. I believe he is with Christ right now. God Bless you and your family. I love you in the Lord.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

I agree, ahorseback. Is that your horse?

RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 6 years ago from Tucson, Az

holidays coupled with grief from the past is more than hard/it is relentlessly difficult to get through

you are so brave habee it has always shown through in your writing.

You know me well through my writings here as well so you know I understand what was driving your fathers actions.

I am sorry you and your family had to go through it and know you miss both both your parents, especially during this time of the year.

God is love.

I love you.

All of us here on HB love you and grieve with you during this time.

GarnetBird profile image

GarnetBird 6 years ago from Northern California

This is heartbreaking. yes, I believe if the person was NOT in control of his or senses, he or she cannot be judged for suicide. We have a God of great mercy and your father sounded like a Good, brave man. I am sure he is with the Lord. I have had several sucides in my family line and know how you feel. Take care,

gloria (garnet)

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Veianet, thank you for that!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

NJ, you just made my day!!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, 66. I do seem to miss my parents more during the holidays. They both LOVEd Christmas!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Many thanks, Penny!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Luabu, your kind words are much appreciated!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, Jess. One of my oldest, dearest friends took her own life. Unlike Dad, she was young and healthy.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Explorer, I like the way you put that!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thank you, Lovetherain!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thank you for your kind words and blessings, Voice!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

RN, your kindness is much appreciated. Really - you don't know how much it means to me!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thank you so much, GLORIA. It's nice to use your real name! lol

okmom23 profile image

okmom23 6 years ago from Midwest, U.S.A.

habee, I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe our God forgives everyone. Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Okmom, I believe in a forgiving God, also. Thanks for visiting!

some dude 6 years ago

I decided to drop in for a second, look for a few hubbers I used to read, saw your posting and thought I would read it since around the last period when I was writing on hubs, I had my own encounter with suicide and it still affects me as I have moved back "home" to kind of deal with the rest of the family's grief even though I had my own. Unlike your situation, my cousin was 34 and was battling depression. As he tried to quit the medication, the drug became the demon. It took control of him one morning as he sat alone on his couch and raised his gun to his mouth leaving behind his wife, two sons, age 14, and 6. There were some slips of the tongue by people who said, he wouldn't make it to heaven. I should have popped them in the freakin' mouth. Whether or not he makes it to heaven, or if one even believes in heaven, none of us have that power to deny, none should judge, and that we find peace through understanding. I see you searched for that understanding.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Dude, I am so sorry. 34 is really young. At least Dad had lived a full life and didn't leave behind young children.

Trish_M profile image

Trish_M 6 years ago from The English Midlands

Hello Habee

I have just read your hub and I think that you have inherited your father's strength. He knew what he needed and wanted to do and ~ in the circumstances ~ I can understand them. You have drawn your own conclusions, based on your memories of the loving father you knew, so I think that your conclusions will be correct. :)

Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 6 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful tribute to your father, a tribute that speaks also to the love and strength of your family.

Your story touched me deeply, as it brought back memories of my uncle's suicide. He too was failing, physically with Parkinson's and emotionally after many years of severe depression.

As you, I remember every moment of being told about what happened.

Who are we to judge about whether suicide should be forgiven? The assigning of sin to suicide is something given to us by others. We do not live in the minds and bodies of those who take their lives. If we loved them and felt their love for us, then what we should be left with is respect for their actions.

I know it's not that simple, especially when we fault ourselves by asking if there was something we could have, should have done that would have made the outcome something other than it was.

Suicide is not a cowardly act, as some would have us believe. It is a way of ending unbearable pain and suffering, whether it is our own or it is what we know we burden others with. We all will die; sometimes death needs to come sooner than later.

This is the eve of a new year. I hope you and your family celebrate your father's passing, knowing that he was the tree from which the nuts fell to grow into mighty trees through the coming years.

Peace. ~Sherri

AngRose profile image

AngRose 6 years ago


We've asked this question many times over the years. My cousin committed suicide when he was 16. He suffered from severe depression and anxiety disorder and apparently could no longer handle being here. I have another cousin who went on to be a Baptist minister many years later, and we were discussing this one day. I won't go into the details of what he said, but the gist of it was, he definitely believes since my other cousin had accepted Jesus into his heart, he was destined for Heaven. And the Bible states that "no man can remove us from our Fathers hand" (of course he had all the Bible references to back it up, I don't have them handy!), but the point he was making is it says NO man can remove us from Gods hand, that would include even our OWN hand. That's just a shorter version of what he said, but hopefully it gives you some peace, if you haven't already found it. I'm assuming that's what you meant by is suicide unforgivable, because I know you've already forgiven your Dad, if you ever felt you needed to to start with.

I am sorry for your loss, glad your father is out of pain. You have a wonderful writing style. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Glemoh101 profile image

Glemoh101 6 years ago

Your story really breaking my heart , but we have to move in the life.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Trish, I appreciate your thoughtful comment.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Sherri, your uncle sounds a lot like my dad. I agree that suicide is not always a cowardly act. I don't think Dad had a cowardly bone in his body!

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Thank you so much, Rose. It's always so much more tragic when a young person commits suicide.

True, Glem. I've moved on and now have many happy memories of my dad.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland

habee we have another thing in common apart from the love of horses. My mother took an overdose when I was just 14. For long enough I believed it to be a sin to take your own life, and I am afraid to say I hated her memory for leaving me alone. However, many years on, I see things entirely differently now. Mum had suffered with cancer for 7 years and had undergone 52 operations. I now believe she was the bravest woman I have ever known and will be sitting waiting for me to join her, where I will be happy in her company one more time. Hugs.

habee profile image

habee 5 years ago from Georgia Author

Oh, Blue, that's really sad. I believe the same thing you do, though!

profile image

stngray114 5 years ago

My heart goes out to you and your family! I hope that you all are at peace with your Dad's decision to end his life to both end his suffering and to relieve your mom of the stress endured taking care of dad. He sounds like a very caring and loving man who just wanted the best for everyone.

I do not believe for one second that your dad was not forgiven and was greeted at Heaven's gate to spend eternal life with all of those who passed before him.

I have been reading alot of forums/hubs in regards to suicide because I am contemplating it myself. Though I am faily young (50), I suffer everyday with tinnitus and hearing loss. It is so loud that it has actually debilitated me from life and I see what it does to my family as they watch me suffer.

I am pretty much useless anymore; had to retire from my job that i had for 29 years. I know that my wife and daughter love me dearly and are trying to do everything to help me. I have been suffering for a year now and there just doesn't seem to be any improvement on the horizon. I have been to several doctors and specialists; some of them have not been to pleasant and act as though i am just taking up their time.

I am no doubt depressed and suffer from anxiety. I pray several times a day; and always pray for others as well. I never did like to see anyone suffer, even when I was young. I remember not liking to go to the hospital to visit someone, when I was younger, because it upset me to see people suffering.

I have no doubt become much closer to God since my illness; and would consider myself a born again christian. I used to believe that suicide was the only sin that was not forgivable. I no longer believe that. I believe that God is a loving and forgiving God and am thankful for what Jesus went through for all of us. I will endure as much suffering as i can handle, but I want my family to have a chance to enjoy life to the fullest. We shall be reunited again when it is their time to pass on and also enter Heaven's gate. Your dad will be there to greet you and your family when it is your time.

One last thing. When you have some spare time, do some web browsing for descriptions of heaven, as described in the Bible. It is the most beautiful and peaceful place to spend eternity and continue to learn about what God's plan was and how everything started.

God bless you and your family and may you feel your dad;s presence every day.

habee profile image

habee 3 years ago from Georgia Author

stngray, I'm sorry that I've just now discovered your kind comment. Your words have lifted me. Thanks!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 3 years ago from Northern Ireland

habee, first let me say how sorry I am to read the news about your father. Losing a loved one is not easy at any time in our lives, but to lose someone by their own hand is unthinkable. I am sending all my strength to help you and comfort you in your situation, as I am a fellow sister who has suffered the same experience. My mom had cancer for seven years and endured 52 surgical procedures in that time. I watched her go from a beautiful, vibrant lady, to a very emotionally scared lady. I am in no way angry at her decision, but I was only 14 years old and faced a lifetime of regrets on her behalf. It took me many years to accept the loss of her company, but I am fortunate enough to have a loving family now.

Sometimes we can not understand another's actions, even thou we can see the pain. I don't ask questions any more, but I truly hope that not many other people have to live with a decision such as suicide. Is it wrong or right, well I can't answer that truthfully? I do know that it caused me endless hours of pain and withdrawal into an adult world, but is the pain of staying alive compensation enough to see a loved one fade away, I don't think so? We all want what is best in the end, and at that point we can only support and respect another's judgement.

It doesn't get easier with time, but the way we look at the situation does. I felt deserted which was very selfish of me, but I have learned to now say that "I am my mother's daughter and could not be more proud of her."

Stay strong and remember that you were loved and will gain strength in time.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article