Letter from Berith to a minor demon.
Letter from Berith to a minor demon.
My dear Scudbucket,
It is always a pain in the piles to hear from you and your horrid part in humanities vile existence, the very arrival of your missive reminded me to command you to scrape the walls of hells latrines for a month, however your last report did contain one question that I deign to reply to, so even your futile little form has some use, as my recounting will again remind me of the horrors to come for our beloved 'atheists', so called self basters because unlike the rest of our flotsam and human debris we accumulate, they choose to deny our existence of their own accord! (LOLOLOLO).
You wondered why they chose to ignore us despite the fact that we are ever present in their meagre existences, well I will explain.
Until only a few decades ago the other one held such sway over humanities existence that hardly anyone challenged the other ones words and professors, you were simply too low to know that scientists used to work at establishing how the other ones formed the blob of dust they swarm upon, and our Merciless Masters' name was held in low contempt in every part of the kingdom, so in effect we had a kingdom but no real power to destroy as well we are capable.
The occasional cleric would become available to us when caught in our nets, and we could shape their minds to seeing how unfair and unreasonable the other ones words and commands were, some even worked as agent provocateurs for us in spouting our lies, but unfortunately our other sections, working as a fifth column inside the other ones ranks, would normally burn them at the stake as soon as they were discovered, still, they burnt nicely and I spent many smouldering days watching those flames rise into the sky whilst awaiting the carcases to arrive here!
Then our Horribleness came up with a masterful solution, and we were commanded to find the most frustrated of those exploring 'science'.
Those we found were open minded and you know how that helps in subversion, so we simply set about feeding selected ones of them concepts that could never be proven, but allowed sufficient doubt to occur that would keep them alive.
They took it a step further than even His Ghastliness could hope for and started a race to produce works announcing this new claim, with the two principal self basters being a Frenchman and an Englishman.
The 'frog bastard' as Darwin called him was about to publish first, which is what tipped Darwins' hand and allowed us to have the propaganda put out in the then largest empire ( of course we have America now to thank for 'breaking new ground' with our High Deviousnesses lies and deception) and although it took a while, we were able to fan the smouldering embers of nonsense into a cacophony of ceaseless propaganda not surpassed until dear old Goebbals took our pledge.
Of course the worst part was that it's rumoured in low places that the malfeasant escaped our clutches by recanting our lies and appealing to the other one, who with his normal horrific character granted the old codger a full pardon, but we keep that quiet from the self basters, or His Unscrupulousness knows how many we may lose at the last fence.
But I digress, and you are lacking the answer to your humble enquiry... the reason I love atheists best of all is because they do a fine job for us and are low maintenance for His Disagreeablenesses kingdom to control.
The blindness they exhibit makes it easier for us to control them than ANY other variety of sweetmeat on offer to us, a criminal we can deal with by greed and avarice quite simply, adulterers succumb to lust and vanity like snuffing out candles in a storm.
But with both we need to use care, for given the slightest opportunity for the thief to feel remorse, or the whore to feel wounded virtue and the other one will be there in a shot, with his sordid offers of forgiveness and oozing his repulsive excess of grace and mercy.
These turkeys however hold no such fear for us, they believe they control their own lives, so they never suspect our involvement when things take a turn for the worse in them, when we trip them up and they become aware of their crassness, we can show them that the guilt they feel is from the other one, and remind them what a puny little god he is.
We make them even declare it from the roof tops in full voice, howling like a wolf on the full moon and oblivious to our part no matter what fools they appear to their other humans.
So that's why I love atheists.......
Oh and the fact that they burn well, like pine logs full of sap and eager to release it into the flames, and what a hellish scent they exude, hypocrisy and cant mixed with stunned surprise when they realise that the final frontier of death was actually only a border post, and their sojourn in eternity was only just beginning rather than ending.... such a sour odour and so malodourous to the nostrils.
I think I hear another atheist malfeasant coming now, screaming and kicking and telling my servants what fools they are.....this will be fun, he's calling for his Daddy! - what a fool.
Ukobach, come here you worthless sprite of a demon, and bring me my rotisserie!
With great thanks to C.S Lewis for the concept...
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