Living as a selfish single Christian
Living the dream...
For the last two years, I’ve been telling myself that the reason I don’t have a husband, boyfriend or even a close admirer is that I’m not meant to have him yet. ‘A time for everything’ and only God knows that time...
I can kick and scream and stamp my feet all I want but He still has a purpose in this 5 year ’stint’ of singleness.
Besides, I’m on a long-term mission right now and I know that God has something amazing going on for me here. I absolutely accept that calling and I love being out here, working with the teachers I work with and teaching these amazing kids. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning that no minimum wage job back home could do.
However, all of this sounds great but I have a huge confession to make, are you ready?
I’m human and I’m selfish… I actually broke down in tears the other day thinking about the children I wanted to have by now and the husband I prayed so diligently to meet.
The truth is, after work – I’m lonely. There is no one waiting for me when I get home to ask about my day. There is no one to encourage me when I’ve hit the wall with bad behaved students. And, there are no children of my own there to help with their homework and make them eat their vegetable at dinner.
So, I cried and I prayed helplessly.
Softer than I seem :P
I used to get upset about it but push it to one side but this time I couldn’t. It was a sort of breaking point for me to be honest. I was just watching a TV programme and one of the characters was deciding whether or not to have children with her husband when she found a tiny baby sock…
And then there’s me, also known as the heart of stone by my sister when it comes to crying at anything movie/TV related – and, I’m bubbling like a child on my hands and knees…
Have I really gotten here? How selfish am I?
I wish I could just let go and accept what God is doing, even if I don’t understand it but it just wears me down coming home to this empty house day after day…
Like I said, I know that God obviously wants me to focus on what He is doing right here, right now and maybe He needs my full attention for that. Maybe giving me my husband right now jeopardise what He will do through me in Hungary, I trust He has His reasons… It is a shame I can’t switch off my human nature though. I want someone to share this with – someone who is not my blood relative!
O.K rant over!
Sorry, when I’m upset or confused – I write! You have to take the bad with the good as my follower, I'm afraid :P
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