Depression: Giving it To God!
Feeling Life Is Crushing In
Many of us reach a time in our life when circumstances have us feeling like we just want to stop the merry -go-round and get off. Now to some of us,that mean a day of solitude,a get-away trip,or even a drastic life change. At one horrendous time in my life,I thought of suicide. I had heard the phrase from a grieving mother of a child that committed suicide that "suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem". But on this night,I didn't care who needed me,or who would grieve. I just wanted the hurt to be gone.Whatever it took to make it stop.
In fact, I was so hurt that I was thinking selfishly of myself.I had a grown brain -injured daughter that needed me. Though my other children lived far away, they stayed in touch and I didn't doubt their love. I adored my grandchildren. I had so much to live for, but on that particular night , I felt unraveled . I cried and walked the floor. Then I knelt by my bed,and prayed some more.
It seemed easier to die than face my hurt, and loneliness .It was a very low time , I had just separated from husband, and my beloved daddy was very ill. I knew he would be gone in a few months. I sat on my bed,crying bitterly,knowing that no matter how much I wanted to,that I could not take my life. I did not believe in suicide. So I prayed with choking sobs, asking the Lord to take me. "Let me die," I cried.
Gradually ,my crying turned to sniffs and to only a trickle of tears . I wiped my eyes as I stared at the clock on my dresser. Suddenly, I felt what I can only describe as a peaceful presence in my room.. I picked up my journal,and started to write.
I felt as if a black cloud of doom was smothering my spirit. I felt unwanted, unneeded ,and tired of living.
I could feel my Lord in the room. HE hurt with me. I knew it,just lie I knew my children loved me. But I also knew that God's answer was no. I waited. Nothing. I had my answer. His answer was no. In the silence , in my heart, He told me HE wanted to continue to use me, even though I would soon be divorced.The divorce was a terrible unexpected shock to me. I felt that no one would have any respect for me now. I felt everyone was laughing at my failure.)
I started writing the following plea. I don't call it a poem. I think it must be a song,though I can't really figure out how to put it to music. In my heart,I hear a very melodic sound,with a waterfall in the background.There is a sound unidentifiable with words that I heard in my heart the night I wrote this.
I hope this might help anyone that feels useless and rejected . God knows and He cares. We don't start caring about our children when their life is messed up. God doesn't either.
Lord Jesus ,If It's Me
Here in the dark night,kneeling I weep
Ah, You are here Lord . Lord, I can't sleep.
I lift my arms high Lord, I don't hesitate
In grief I cry ,"Let me come to you Lord, no longer to wait.
For it's you, Lord...YOU Lord......It's you that I need!
Here my cry Lord! Take me now Lord, for it's You that I need."
But my heart hears You tell me that I CAN'T go away.
There's still work to be done.........souls to be won.
My heart hears you tell me that I have to stay
For my race is not run, there are souls to be won.
"Well Lord, I simply can't see with my earthly eyes
Anything of value You could use in my life."
So Lord, I am kneeling......kneeling I cry, "But it's NOT about ME Lord,It is You Lord.,IT IS YOU LORD, it is You that THEY need!
They are so lost,with scales on their eyes, They are so lost, with no hope in their life
For when their hope is not in you Lord, what can they do?
Because it's You Lord,It's YOU Lord, it's You that they need!
Silence.......................... I rise and lift my hands
Lord, I SEE! LORD JESUS IT'S Me...me you want to use
Well keep me Lord,help me Lord, if it's me that you need
to work with hurt souls that want to be free!
Silence.....................I sing a psalm
The Lord is my ROCK, my FORTRESS, My DELIVERER,my GOD , my STRENGTH in Whom I will TRUST, my BUCKLER, and the HORN of my salvation, My HIGH TOWER!
LORD Jesus use ME ,me,me,me! LORD JESUS I SEE,see,see,see
If you are depressed and feel more hopeless than you can express with words, give it to God. If you listen, He will speak. He grieves with you. You are not alone. I am not saying that if you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to be depressed that this is all you do. If you take medicine as part of your treatment, by all means take it! But don't stop believing that God is there, and that He cares. He can , and will still use you. You are not a "has been" to God!
Some depressions are caused by a lack of seritonium. Some depression may be caused by a traumatic event, as mine was.In times when you feel that you can't go on, force yourself to admit that this is not forever, and that no matter how dark it seems now, it will not last forever. Lay it on the altar, and give it to God! Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary place in your life.
copyright July 2,2010 by Jackie D. Kimball
He Has Made Me Glad!
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