Personally Speaking--Part 1

I was reading a hub the other day that dealt with purpose of life--or lack of purpose. I was surprised at the number of people that commented that also seemed to be without purpose in their life. I can identify. There was a time when I was lost and confused. There was a time when I no longer wanted to live. There was a time when I saw no hope.

I read another hub that focused on the grace of God. I'm one that has received more than my share of God's grace. I don't write this to wallow in self-pity. I don't write this to say, "Look at my story." We all have a story to tell. Mine is not special. I don't write this to say, "These are the lessons I've learned in life." God teaches us all lessons in is own way in His own time. I write this solely that God may get the glory He deserves for working in the life of a sinner.

It's not often I share my personal experiences. Much of that is probably a result of my upbringing and the insecurities I felt as a child. I don't know why I'm sharing some of these things with you now. But God has placed upon my heart a need to do so. I hope someone will benefit from it.

Although this is autobiographical (which, by the way, I've never attempted to write before), I'm leading up to a point that will be brought out in a later hub in this series. Please don't think, I'm writing only about me. Jesus Christ is my purpose for writing this. May He be honored and glorified through this series of writings.

My mother passed away when I was four years old. Much of the time before that, she spent in the hospital suffering from cancer. Remission was something not known then. I have no real memories of her. Yet she was taken from me at a time when I needed her most. This, I suppose was the beginning of my insecurities.

I was raised in a Christian home. Even though I was very young, I accepted Christ as my Savior shortly after God took my mother home. I didn't understand most of what the Christian life was about, but I understood enough to know that without Christ I was headed for hell because of my sin. I suppose I also wanted to see my mother again. I will someday soon.

My father was left to raise the five of us on his own. It seemed that he never had much time for me. I understand that now as he was grieving a tremendous loss in his life. He also had to work and was involved heavily in church activity. It wasn't a case of abuse by neglect. He just seemed far away and distant. This also added to my insecurities.

As a four year old I don't think I could fully understand my mother's absence. A feeling of rejection began to grow and was amplified by my father's lack of interest in my life. I clung to any affection I could get even if I had to invent it or imagine it. Yet through my early years I still looked to God.

I had developed a terrible crush on my fourth grade teacher. Of course that led nowhere and left me feeling more rejected. A few years later I took an interest in our neighbor. She also was a few years older than me, and most of the relationship was only in my mind. Finally I got up the nerve to ask her for a date. Se accepted and I felt a little self-worth returning. On the day we were to go out, she informed she had another boyfriend and was unable to go out with me--more rejection.

In ninth grade I struck up a friendship with another girl in my class.We dated for about six weeks when she informed she had to move on because her father thought we were getting too serious. Although that was probably true, I didn't believe her and wrote it off as more rejection. I had had enough rejection and would never trust a female again--until I reached eleventh grade.

One of my buddies set me up with a blind date. I had so much fun and I found myself, perhaps for the first time giving my heart away. We continued to date through my junior and senior year of high school. At the time of my graduation she was a junior. I was preparing for college and she was preparing for her senior year of high school. That summer we began making plans to marry--nothing in the near future, just dreaming a little bit. I thought I found myself. I thought I knew who I was and what I was about. I was so wrong.

In August we were planning our life together. By mid-September, she had left me know that she was dating another boy, and in one heart-breaking night, two years of my life had been washed away as meaningless. Rejection reared its ugly head again.

Early on in life I had taken an interest in music. My father bought me a guitar and I learned to love the instrument. I vowed to never be involved in a close relationship again and turned to music to ease the pain. I formed a rock band, and gave all my attention and time to "making it big." I found that applause somehow met my need for approval. In reality I still found myself empty. It was after a particularly bad rehearsal that I decided that the next day would be my last. I had long ago turned my back on God, and figured He had rejected me, too.

The next day I drove to a bridge with the intention of jumping off. Through some God- controlled circumstances He kept me safe. Exhausted and stressed to the max, I needed some time to rest. After a few weeks of recuperation, I left home and moved to Philadelphia where I thought I might have better success in the music business. It was there that God took His wayward child and began to deal with him. But the story's not over yet. As a matter of fact it's just beginning.




More by this Author


Comments 26 comments

Debradoo profile image

Debradoo 5 years ago from Cocoa, Florida

Wow. I suffered great depression at one time as well so I can FEEL your heart. It is awesome how God sticks with us through our self pity and our hopelessness and our terribly down countenance. God is sooo good. I look forward to the next hub, Lifegate. :-)


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Debradoo,

Thanks for the visit. God always has our good in mind. Even when we see it as bad He's always faithful.


matt6v33 profile image

matt6v33 5 years ago from Bangkok, Thailand

Hello Young Man,

U Were, U R, nor will U Ever be Alone! For He IS With U, Always! Keep Writing Sir, U R Needed Out in that Loss and Dying World. U Have Much to offer, and many will benefit from your obivious God Given Heart/talents/skills.

May I borrow, that Guitar? :)

Keep Going Sir! Keep Going!


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

matt6v33,

Thanks for the encouragement. I'd be glad to send that guitar, but I don't have it anymore. Not I don't play, I just don't THAT guitar anymore. Thanks for stopping by, Brother!


tinamarie9884 5 years ago

Well, so far you are doing a great job. My heart, like alot of others go out to you. Yes, I also can relate.


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

TM,

Thanks for stopping by. I think we can all relate to some degree. God works in all of us in different ways. Some have had a lot more problems than I have.


Michael Adams1959 profile image

Michael Adams1959 5 years ago from Wherever God leads us.

I too can relate and praise God for GRACE!


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Michael,

Yes, grace that is greater than all our sin!


Faithful Daughter profile image

Faithful Daughter 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Oh yes, I know that ugly little word "rejection." I know it very well. It was in that path of rejection that God met me and revealed Himself to me. I can relate in many ways. It takes guts to write about our wounds but when we become transparent, we not only help others but also glorify God when He comes into the picture.


mattmilamii profile image

mattmilamii 5 years ago from Chicago - Be A Blessing... Become A Hand Of God

Dear lifegate,

Even when we can't see it, God is always aware of how fearfully and wonderfully made we are. It is in our depths of despair that "HE" can lift us up to be that light shinning on a hill for a whole city to see. It took me 20yrs of being homeless to be humbled and given the patience to minister to those of poor circumstances. Our Lord includes us in His plan of greater good, and as you say... it's just beginning.

"Blessings"


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

FD,

Rejection--I wonder what Christ felt when He the Creator, the Son of God was rejected so that we might not be. I love Him!

Mattmilamii,

It truly is amazing sometimes what God has to take us through to get our attention. Yet He's always faithful.


The Minstrel profile image

The Minstrel 5 years ago from Hawaii

Thank you for sharing lifegate. Life is filled with so many harsh experiences. You are a conqueror!


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Hey Minstrel,

Thanks for stopping by. Conquerors through Christ we are!


parrster profile image

parrster 5 years ago from Oz

Thank you so much for sharing this lifegate. It seems so much of life's second half is spent recovering from the first. But, as scripture says, 'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I will hope in him' (Lam 3:21f)


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Parrster,

Yes, Great is His faithfulness.


Tamarajo profile image

Tamarajo 5 years ago from Southern Minnesota

Can't wait to hear the rest of this story.

I was thinking while I was reading how our battles are so spiritual and how that spirit of rejection drug you around to experiences that would confirm what it wanted you to believe.

And also how powerful our expectations are for good or for bad. You expected rejection and it surely came to you. Pain can lay a ground work for that.

I am excited to see how the Lord shuts the door on that force as you give it up to Him.


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

TJ,

Thanks for some very wise observations. I think you're absolutely correct. Thanks for checking in!


creativeone59 profile image

creativeone59 5 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

Lg, this first part of your story has touched my heart, because you have had such a hurtful life style, I was almost crying tears, but I know through your tears and hurtful experience that it has taught you to be a better and wonderful man. Thank you so much for sharing. Godspeed. creativeone59o


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

CO,

Thanks for the visit. God is so good! And the lessons He's

taught have been priceless.


cristina327 profile image

cristina327 5 years ago from Manila

Great hub, very interesting to read.Rejection has been also a great part of my life but praise Jesus our loving Savior for picking me up out of brokenness and shattered dreams. Truly Jesus is an awesome Savior and true friend. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us here at Hubpages. Remain blessed always.


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Cristina, Yes Jesus Christ is the One who can put the pieces back together again. Praise His Name!


 5 years ago

Looking forward to reading of how the Lord put your life together.

Have you ever read, "Not By Chance" by Layton Talbert?


A M Werner profile image

A M Werner 5 years ago from West Allis

lifegate, never underestimate the bravery it takes to speak about insecurity and weakness. The truth of such revelation is what makes us all human and no one goes through life without them. Many are good at hiding them, and because we see their lives from the outside, we imagine a false perfection we are convinced they must live. In the end, they too need to hear stories such as this. Everyone needs to know they are not alone in having had painful thoughts and experiences. We never know whom we might touch when we are honest and upfront. Don't worry, you are not sharing this without a higher purpose. The Lord is always using His servants as we use a wrench or a hammer. Peace


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

A M,

Thanks for the encouragement. It's all about God's grace.


lambservant profile image

lambservant 5 years ago from Pacific Northwest

"God is able to make all grace abound unto you..." 2 Cor.9:8

Oswald Chambers said this about Grace:

"The overflowing grace of God has no limits, and we have to set no limits to it, but "grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Thanks be to God LG for the work He's done in your life. It took courage to be so transparent. Blessings brother.


lifegate profile image

lifegate 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA Author

Lambservant,

Thanks for the visit. I like the Oswald Chambers quote. That kind of puts it all together.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working