Preparing The Ground For An Inner Restructuring
Establishing The Fundamentals of Being Peaceful
[What follows is a transcription of a Handwritten Journal entry on the topic of "2014 New Year Overview and Core Issues" originally written on Monday, January 13, 2014. This entry was the first of several that year that came together to form a new personal Philosophy of Life. This piece is now the introduction to my new spiritual values system, still in process of development!]
Wow, I really did have a lot of spiritual growth and huge awareness last year. I wish I knew what astrological transits were happening that would help put all of that into perspective. Now it does seem like all growth and some healing instead of only a shitload of destruction and upheaval. It’s important for me, especially after all this recent relentless blackness, to take a moment to connect and honor all this spiritual growth. See it. Believe it. It’s real – the Heart & Soul Angel Cards reinforce this. It’s also important to honor my need for things to be stable and steady to be able to enjoy growth and progress towards success at a pace that feels manageable to me. At 2013 Winter Solstice Moon circle, my angel told me my purpose is “to be peaceful.” So that is my intention for this year. I learned a long time ago when you ask for most things you usually always get their opposite first because the soul needs to clear out the opposing force that blocks that which you desire. If you wish for Joy, first comes Grief and Sadness for what has been lost. A wish for Compassion will bring Rage for what never received its due Justice and Retribution. A longing for Love will unlock decades of Abandonment and Hatred towards those who left us Alone. These old difficult feelings come from old unresolved wounds which must first be dislodged to come up to the surface to then be tended to for healing; so the remaining space can open for the Universe to fill it with that which we asked for. But a client told me once that peace is just peace, and it comes from the Spiritual gift of grace when you ask for it. I believed that to be true for many years.
And yet after many years of asking for Peace, and many years of only receiving more upheaval, it at long last occurs to me that that idea is just total crap. An ongoing, relentless lack of Peace is fundamentally rooted in a life, or a living situation, such as a household or community with an underlying conflict over something that is JUST NOT WORKING. Either it’s working for some but not for all, and the “All” is just suppressing their disagreement in order to “Keep the Peace;” or the “All” is finally speaking up and attempting to get their truth known to the “Some” and these attempts are just not working or are being met with Denial, Distraction or a Direct Refusal to participate in the changes that would create a better situation for “All” and Conflict or all out “War” ensues. Or else it’s just not working for anyone and no one can see any solution whatsoever, and the Battle rages on. There are many ways and many different levels of issues that can create an experience of being without peace and then receiving peace occurs. Perhaps for most people in a garden variety minor experience of conflict, through regular prayer, meditation and writing is enough to bring about Miracles of enduring Peace. But for those of us having lived overlong in the War Zone, it will be helpful and necessary to take the time to identify and examine all those fundamental elements that JUST ARE NOT WORKING lurking around underneath the surface, unresolved like a shark on the hunt, and is the real first step towards creating lasting peace. Of course, the daily prayer and meditation to ease the mind like a daily “Soul Shower,” can be a Great Guidance and once these life elements have been identified, we are now able to see clearly which of our needs are not being met and the how the current mechanics of the situation are impeding those details which enable full functioning. Bit by bit, a new image forms of what needs to be changed, what order and time this needs to happen, and a new plan forms to work towards creating a new life that is fully functional, based on what is important now, having let go of the old, dead gods we once served, but which now serve us no longer. Here is a list of those unresolved element in my own life:
- Big lifestyle pieces NOT working: me living with my parents, I need to be living on my own
- Lack of sufficient income to be financially autonomous: Underearning and stunted adult issues
- Unresolved Health Conditions; Thyroid, Immune System
- Lack of environmental and emotional support/communal acceptance of my true nature and WHO I AM
- *Review BIG time/energy/clutter/debting –compulsive, ancestral accumulation*: 7th Tradition Awakening
- Bad Habits; like taking on too much compulsively. Learn how to commit to less, take on less and give the rest of it “Back”
- Lack of Acceptance that it’s time to reach for Outside Help; or a different, more effective form of outside help. Doing it on my own has taken me as far as I can possibly go.
- Lack of regimen/maintenance; exercise, diet, readings, writings, meetings, outreach
- Slow down. Be thorough and organized; avoid Hurry and Indecision and learn how to stay in my pace and free from overpowering outside influences trying to force me into their false agendas
Healthy Maintenance Routine: Doing Less
This feels really big and I’d like to get done with this one intention today in this sitting if at all possible. For once, it’s the straight up practical elements of the Peace Creating Mission, and NOT the deep Spiritual Core, which are the ones that interest me now and some versions of this essay would include a discussion about each one of things in order. In point of fact, that’s just what a big part of my purpose for being a Hubber now; ultimately I will devote whole Hubs to each of those bullets. For this writing, a practical approach to creating peace begins with creating a functional way of actually getting some work done in the first place. With all these medical symptoms, fighting alone in war zone in constant upheaval, everything is a moving target and it feels like dancing with the Tasmanian Devil all the time rather than actually begin able to sit done long enough to actually be able to see task thru to completion, never mind being so deeply fatigued on top of it all I end up spending the rest of my time in bed. Therefore it’s my intention this year to begin work on establishing *once and for all* a proper Health Regimen Rule of Life for Daily/Weekly/Monthly/Annual Practice and to do so with proper awareness of my limitations. The functionality depends on being able to commit to that regimen only what is manageable for me to actually do, and to actually begin able to do something to its completion.
A fundamental property of a Regimen for me is to remember my “6 Balance Points of the Human Condition.” Wow I totally forgot about that. This came from a movie with Gerald Butler called “Mavericks” about surfing the 30 foot waves in Hawaii during “El Nino” and brought up fond memories of when I was young and healthy working part time, going to college, dancing with the modern dance company there, and attending regular therapy. Doing all this together gave me the sense of being in athletic training fostered by a quote on the wall at work: “Excellence is a habit, not an inspiration.” That is a paraphrase from quote from a famous couch I think. I would take whatever chronic bad habits that were routinely corrected in dance class and “set that equal to” the more symbolic psychological issues that were recurring unresolved. Showing up every day and practicing these mindful daily course corrections in a safe, structured and creatively flexible healing container brought forth a huge wellspring of creative success and accomplishment along with a Grand Spiritual Awakening Experience. After watching this movie fifteen years later, it occurred to me that at that time, as much I was seeking “Excellence as a Habit,” I still caught that wave in the first place totally by accident. A lot of favorable things came in my path because I was happy and healthy and open and things were working without much struggle, just good consistent daily hard work. But after all these years of hardship and healing work, maybe I can consolidate all of my accumulated wisdom into a more objective and intentional daily practice that can help me get back in track, but maybe without jumping straight to Athletic Training. I guess what I’m saying is it was easier then to follow thru on that practice because all the structure and mentoring was built in and life was good. Now after hardship its feels more “False” and is necessary to “Act As If” which rather goes counter to my nature.
This movie helped me remember and reset. The Gerald Butler character was mentoring a kid next door in training properly for these monster waves with his “4 Pillars of the Human Condition:” Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. He submitted his apprentice to actual extra study and essay writing in addition to practical conditional exercise, such as meeting a goal of being able to hold his breath for 4 minutes straight without passing out. That took daily practice over months. But this character had really only mastered the first two himself, barely addressed the third, and never really dealt the fourth at all, which was part of his own journey in the movie. Anyway, I decided I need to add two more and a new Philosophy was born:
- Inner Child/Creative Expression
The first part of the plan involves sitting down to write about each of these Balance Points individually; taking time to define what any one of them means to me; what’s missing or interfering with getting my needs met therein; and my ongoing goals for growth and direction. Next comes generating a list of smaller categories for all the larger goals, and identifying the details of regular tasks and actions that fall into each category. Finally I seek to establish one day of the week to attend to each of these Balance Points; and each week I choose one of those actions for that corresponding day of week. Two years later, I’m still working on this set up!
HEALTH * INCOME * PURGING CLUTTER
Back in August 2013, I made a Master List of the things I need to catch up on in separate categories and established the 3 largest things that are the most urgent and important to establish autonomy work on the things that aren’t working: 1) Find a way to establish a consist reliable income; 2) Get a holistic medical treatment that actually works to productively address my health issues once and for all; and 3) create a systematic organized plan to Purge and reconsolidate my decades of CLUTTER. This is the Core 3 along with an overriding paradigm shift from ALL the many recent new awareness’s and inner insights, all accumulating in the 7th Tradition of financial and creative autonomy: “Each group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” All of these need time to write about which ultimately I’d like to in January – Defining each of the Big Core pieces while establishing the most important element is to simply deal with this in small pieces each week including journaling for 2-3 hours at least once week on each of these insights in addition to the 10-30 minutes of purge writing in the morning.
But the main thing is that in-depth new awareness of my compulsive unconscious motivation to commit to too much at once so it becomes about killing myself to do too much in too short deadline instead of steady progress and higher quality results on smaller things in a more manageable pace. Being more aware of all the sh*t I take on from other people and learning to either give all that sh*t back or refusing the invitations in the first place, especially all the projections and disappointed agendas I get from my parents and love and accept myself as I am according to the 3rd Tradition: “The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.” Caring for myself first. This last deserves a thorough bit of writing, but the short answer is: now Being Peaceful is possible because I’m not spending all my time insanely running around abandoning my entire regimen of healthy self-care to meet some insane deadline like the Storage Unit thing in the same weekend as Aratron Ritual and concert even though there was major spiritual cleansing there. More like saying no to that 3 day [Tao Retreat] weekend so I could have more time to work on finishing setting up all the feng shui charms and cures in my studio loft space, which has just received such intense energetic cleansing, at a relaxed pace. The sense of wellbeing that came from simply applying a mindful recovery approach to making that decision was immediate and satisfying, and grew out of showing up each day either as work or rest doing a small thing finishable in a short time.
So part of my intention this year was to narrow my scope and commit to fewer intentions for the year. The Sacred Journey Annual Calendar Journal was such a great writing time for me. It felt so cleansing and grounding to write about each category and reflect on issues in that category and progress from the past year and my intention for the next year. I got so much out of that. A spiritual space to write helped me develop this spiritual writing ritual I have and it seemed that the universe brought me auspicious opportunities very specific to the heart wishes I put so clearly down on the page. But eventually as my symptoms took a turn my and fatigue got worse:
- It became too hard to write about ALL those categories, especially in one week’s time
- I wound up inadvertently starting with the least important ones first, missing the most important ones at all
- It became too much for me to commit to ALL the goals I wanted in that one year to have any progress.
The other thing I’ve noticed, maybe because of an old habit of withdrawing and isolating and NOT writing, is that whenever I do write (and it seems especially so this year) there’s just so much of it: too much to catch up on in any one sitting and things accumulate again. It boggles my mind how high that pile gets. Is it really just a practical issue of writing more regularly instead of once every 3-6 months, or is my life really that complicated? And there’s this overwhelming and unusually extreme deluge of sh*t from larger places I’m powerless over that unloads itself on me. Is this bad luck? Do I seriously need more protection of my Light Body? Have I really been minimizing or forgetting how spiritual I am and that old thing of evil taking over to obfuscate my own view of myself? Mirabiela and Unicorn 7th Moon Mansion Monthly should help with that. So I feel a double bind with this and asking my Angels and Universe to continue showing me daily what to let go of, how I can let go, and how I can keep doing more for my self-care and protection and progress with always less activities. What non-essential steps in any area of my life can I always be subtracting? To get Right to the core action that has enough power for that day or way.
I also want to spend time this month reevaluating the new income sources in the 3 new creative areas: Hubbing, Knitting & Weaving, and Tarot. Each one of those could eventually be a Full Time job with Full Time action items each week for marketing. These 3 are available and creative and part of my healing process or faster money. Is it really useful to have 3 multiple outlets, or is that a distraction or spreading too thin and away from my one main thing? Which one would I enjoy more or is more important to pull more time into? Also, do I want to seek a Part Time job while this is in development? It seems up till now that has been an exhausting distraction and also brought a lot of negativity, so I needed to put energy into what feels new and good to me. The Cajun Restaurant, Artist Modeling, The Non-Profit for kids, my Accountant Friend: all extremely negative paying gigs from 2012 and I need a new path. NIA? Yoga? These are all large things. But my creative 3 avenues are small with low overheard I can do in my loft space. Hub is most important one so hopefully Higher Power with Bless Me with making some money from it sooner than later, because writing is how I work thru all these big questions and without question needs to be done regularly for my ultimate Peace of Mind: I might as well get paid to do it by publishing these writings and maybe help someone else out in the bargain. That’s probably why I’m still attached to Tarot. The money from one reading on one day could get me by 2-3 months while this other stuff is developing, but selling those was problematic last couple of months with the holidays. So will I need to do that before my Hubs, or just hang on with stealthy Hubs until I get to my earning programs?
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An annual review & intention journaling reveals a surprising spiritual awakening of an original personal archetype & a revealing new course of study springing from a mundane goal of clearing clutter.
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