Reinventing Me

Who am I, really?

I'm a work in progress, constantly discovering new sides of myself. For instance, I have discovered that change is painful, but sometimes necessary. I'm in a changing process in my life. It has been incredibly painful. It has been terrifying and overwhelming; and I have been kicking and screaming the whole time.

One of the biggest changes that has taken place in the past 45 days has been that I am being honest with my feelings. I can't say I have mastered this change. I'm still guarded, but I am being truthful with the people in my life about the way I truly feel about what I am going through. I don't hide my fears and anxieties. Most of the time, I can't control the fear and anxiety anyway, so I might as well be honest. I have had to be honest with me; this has been the hardest part. I have had to reevaluate my life, the choices (bad or good) I have made, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family, and those pesky voices in my head that keep reminding of all the bad things that have happened in my life.

Life's a Journey

So, I'm on a journey. I am undergoing reconstruction. I am fearful, but hopeful about the future. I am learning to be kinder to myself, and resting in God's plan. I know He has a plan for me; that is the only thing, of which, I am certain.

I'm not saying that I am anywhere near where I want or need to be. I have a very long road ahead. But, for now, I am trying with everything that is within me, to take one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I'm working on breaking down the walls I have built around myself. The walls that are constructed of self-doubt, depression, negative thinking/speaking, fear of what others think or say about me, anxiety and feelings of guilt that have no basis.

Put it All in God's Hands

It all comes down to this: I have to put it all in God's hands! I am one of those people that has a hard time letting go. I have always been taught that when you pray about something or you have a problem, you take it to God and you give it to Him. That requires that you let Him have it, you have to let Him keep it. You're not supposed to pick it back up and carry it back with you. This, too is something I haven't mastered yet. I'm pretty sure this one is going to take me a while.

For now, I am content to praise God while I wait. He has never let me down before. I haven't always gotten what I prayed for, but sometimes that's a blessing in disguise. He knows what the future holds and I have to trust that He has my best interest at heart. When I come out on the other side, I know I will see that He carried me all the way and in my darkest of nights, He never left my side.

Comments 1 comment

Hollie 4thman 7 years ago

Hi, Amanda I just thought you should know that nobody that I no of enjoys change so in that you are never alone. I myself have been in the place you are now and I feel as if I am finally headed back up the mountain and I can see the top. Boy it has been hard and rough. Somethings I have learned is just "let go" I know this is harder than it sounds.But holding on tho the things that weigh us down, does just that weigh us down to where we can't walk or stand and let alone breathe with out complication. Just as you have I have people around me who love and adore me but I didn't love and adore myself which made me negative and unbelieving of my friends and family and God essentially telling them they were all lying, so to speak. but somewhere along the way I had a revelation for lack of a better term, if I doubt myself I doubt God, because I am His. God created us all for who we are he mapped out our very steps, our emotions, our imperfectness, so that we would need Him. God doesn't make junk. another thing is you are already learning HOnesty is the best policy but realize to some people cant handle the truth they take it offensive when nothing was meant by it. Uhm......the hardest thing for me was to forgive myself of any past decisions that I was not proud of, sure I could ask God for forgiveness and know that he forgave me but it just kept coming up again and again when the problem wasn't that God hadn't forgiven me, I just hadn't forgiven myself. And Girl that was so tough and I still have my ups and downs and always will after all we will never be perfect as long as we dwell here. God wants us just as we are cracked and even broken pottery so that he can take us as we are against all odds and use us to glorify him. so enough with my rambling and Im sorry if this makes no sense at all I am tired. Food for thought: Nobody is Perfect, So if God wanted perfect wouldn't He have just had more Kids. I have a book suggestion for you Layers by Sandi Patty and Let Go by Sheila Walsh and A Grand New Day women of faith Devotional I Love you. May God use your trials to make you stronger that you may carry a friend and stand in the gap for them when they need it.

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