I have always loved Jesus and been a believer. Like everyone else, I have my journey to make and will always be making decisions on my own path.
I have never really believed in 'religion' per se. I believe in the house of God. I don't believe that one religion is greater than the other. There is supposed to be only one house of God and the bible does not specify its religion. I choose a church by their atmosphere and their works. What do they do in God's name? I also listen to their teaching. Do they teach opinions or do they teach the Word? Do they teach or threaten? I do not choose God out of fear or because of what I aim to achieve. At church, I hear people praise and worship and call out to him. They say that they want to be with him, but they do not say when. I can't bring myself to say that I want to go with Jesus. I do not want to be by his side right now. I suppose that hearing this is harsh for some. The death of my Prince has done things to me that are difficult to explain. I see everything around me as deteriorating. I see people so wrapped up in the meaningless that I can feel their regrets should they be faced with this grief. Still, I do not want to leave this dying world. I don't pray to see Jesus. I pray to be left behind for my daughter. Heartache or no, I want to be old along side my daughter. I want many years with her and I do not want to be taken until she is of age to handle and survive the grief. I want to care for her until she is a woman.
I guess these are just residual fears and issues spawning from my own grief, but everything is so different. It is difficult for me to hear a brand new father wish so much to be with Jesus when I know what that means to those left behind. I don't know if I am being selfish by wanting as much time here with my daughter as possible or not. I am not sure of much these days. I am alarmed at the amount of crossroads and confusion that grief throws in front of people. I am of strong will and strong mind and I am put to the ground after some of these battles. I can understand the desperation of others in grief. It is not at all easy on the mind or the spirit. One thing that is helping me is that I am not afraid of how others will Judge me. I write openly and honestly although it seems that I am unable to speak.
So my prayer is simple...
Lord, I do not fear the path less traveled. I don't fear pain or heart ache. I can live a meaningful life despite the pain and grief, just please make my path a long one along side my daughter's path. Bless her with many days and keep me here to see them. I pray that you do not separate us while she is young.
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