Restructuring My Root System
Starting Where I Am
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
In 2008-09, when I was still in the Internal Family Systems modality for therapy, and even when we all knew that ultimately Getting the Hell Outta my parents’ house is truly the only way for me to Heal and have a life that supports me and harmonizes with my true nature, I still needed to start Where I Am in that place. My approach for doing this was about harnessing what I could do with my own resources: applying my Feng Shui background and inexpensive assembly required shelving to organizing my Bedroom and Loft space as much as possible to support my own flow. After all this time, I feel like I’m just on the verge of completing that this year. Much of that involved finding alternate ways to utilize closets thru Big Lots Bookshelves and those Wayfair cubes. This took a really long time because of health and money issues creating delays and obstacles, but I finally got it done. So now I just need to finish my journal evaluation about the “Office Half” of my loft Feng Shui design which could be short because most of the furniture is cleaned up, repainted and set up already and it mirrors the studio half exactly in all the layered Feng Shui schools. Additionally the intention for this side is to be more sparse, focused and operational, as compared to the wild colorful creative organized abandon for the “Studio Half,” so all that really need to be done is set up all the “Charms & Cures.” Next comes my review of a previous Feng Shui plan for my old Bedroom, then clean and rearrange furniture. That will take longer, but then I will finally be done with the foundational aspect of this “Starting Where I AM.” I hoped to complete all that by 2013 years’ end but that just did not happen. So it’s important for me now to recognize that, however slow, I have made progress and moved forward. That’s positive and affirmative.
And last year I took so much action especially with that storage locker. It was a huge psychic storm, but it not only accomplished in a month or so what I planned to do in year (if not for that I’d probably still be in that unit) but also cleared the energy and physical field for a miraculous revelation of what will happen next and a readiness to let go of my stuff instead of remaining so deeply attached. So I’m grateful that’s done AND the Studio Half of loft with very complicated Feng Shui is done. I’ve had 2 Tarot readings up there since November 2013! The huge spiritual cleansing that went with that since my move out date/deadline (June 30, 2013 marked the State’s forced end of Everyone’s Unemployment Benefit and July 1, 2013 marked the date the rent would be raised again on my Storage Locker) overlapped with a Power Weekend, June 21-23, 2013: Summer Solstice Friday, the Heart & Led Zeppelin Experience concert Saturday with a perfect clear night under a near full Moon, and our Aratron Moon Circle Ritual Sunday. That deep earth vibration really cleared out some psychic garbage and helped me see what I needed to do to update myself, similar to the way a massive sonic eruption can actually morcelate concrete. Yes a lot of spiritual growth, insights and self-awareness, a big part of which was remembering how I got into that space in the first place: the sudden move that chaotic summer of 2003 from my previous roommate situation and the many moves since then.
Instructions for Starting Where You Are
- Be willing to detach momentarily from the grand ideal fantasy or nightmare that is in your mind and bring yourself back to this one present moment and the practical, tangible elements that actually exist there. do a full walk thru of your living environment. Stay in this present reality as long as it takes to accept it as it is.
- Take a minute to separate the mental image of your ideal outcome from the True Inner Vision of what you are actually trying to change and what you genuinely want to grow into and its personal meaning to you. Use legal pad, personal journal entries, Excel worksheet, phone app or any other physical media to process this information outside your mind and into a physical space.
- Take an physical inventory of the task, the time and space it needs to happen in and the resources currently at your disposal: amount of money available to spend; your past experience and education on the subject; any books, electronic media or other people in residence to go for additional information or manpower
- Become willing to let go of the original ideal fantasy and all its grandeur and accept the real facts of this new current reality and see how the new facts can still relate to and apply back to your True Inner Vision in Step #2. What part of this vision is non-negotiable and what are the non-essentials that you can let go of that will still take you where you want to go with this?
- Make a new plan based on the present practical reality: what can you accomplish with all these "new to you" tools with the time, space, money, people and other resources available to you, that still accomplishes the original vision and holds its ultimate meaning or value for progress and growth to you?
- Be willing to break this new plan into many smaller tasks that can be accomplished in the time interval you have set aside for it and add it into a framework of balance of work rest, leisure family and other responsibilities.
- Get to work! Be willing to show up for the task at the time allotted and work until you get to an appropriate stopping point. If you cannot finish what you set to in the time allotted, break the tasks into even smaller intervals until you CAN finish the whole task set aside for that time.
- Be willing to take time out after finishing 1-3 task intervals to journal about your progress and the feelings coming up, the effects of the other people and responsibilities in your life; recheck your excel sheet and original plan and make modifications if necessary
Disorganized Psyche (of Others)
Last night on the CoDA meeting, the 4th Step reading got me back in touch with the deep wound trigger I still have with being raised by completely DISORGANIZED PEOPLE, and my memory of that day in therapy when we did work around that. That word “Disorganized” and simply hearing it from my therapist just really hit my core. I felt it. And not just the external chaos from the dealings with my Doctors and Parents, but also that feeling of Disorder that comes from a DISORGANZED PSYCHE such as my parents and These Borderline Personality People I chronically attract. It really hurts and I suppose that is a subject for more writing since I sense it’s a deeply rooted defect in 4th Step Inventory; a deeper issue from the ACA program; and an evaluation on possibly distilling All my 12 Step Programs in a single core program of ACA because I have a need to be so thorough in my Step Work it takes so long. Could Step Work in one Core program really heal all? This is a subject for more prayer, reading, journaling and outreach in all my programs. All these ideas are centered around one of the many visions from that power Solstice weekend of gearing up for a massive, all-inclusive, consolidated 4th Step Inventory because the Wellness-Medical Progress and Purging Plan are all seeming to converge into a giant interrelated mass I will be writing about shortly.
The Point Is: suddenly I remembered. Back in 2003, in the midst of my Dad screaming criticism at me about why I have what I have in garage vs. storage and why are those white wheeled plastic boxes on those big plastic shelves, now stuck. Those crates weren’t meant for those shelves, they were meant for the floor of a huge closet with shelves above where I could wheel them out and have access to tools I needed for tarot especially outdoor set ups and other magical work. That ordeal with my former housemate/landlord was an early Pluto transit that dragged on for months. He kept changing his agreements on me and I kept trying to stand up for myself: a huge important spiritual awakening and healing process that finally got me into recovery, by way of the first of several major hospital procedures. But then his house sold so quickly I only had a week to pack EVERYTHING, while wearing bilateral stents from both my kidneys for four months and after trying absolutely everything to stay there. I finally had to surrender to the end of that road and go. So I had two friends help me pack in a mad rush only months after I had also just begun (wow I’m getting triggered just remembering this!) a deep, relaxed process of going thru my belongings one box at a time and getting rid of stuff, mostly for the kitchen at first, and putting it away in order. This had been the beginning of a very satisfying and meaningful soul journey for me that I’d wanted to do for a very long time and was then abruptly interrupted in a way that was really traumatic for me. But for the grace of god, I had this emergency help from another person to hastily repack it all, but I didn’t really have an opportunity to be organized about packing what in what box, and when it went. I made an effort to consider later what would go in garage and what in storage according to things I’d need access to eventually at home and what could be kept “on ice.” But dad was screaming at me trying to control it thru his rage according to HIS vision, which I now know is because he sees things is so completely differently that I do, so that just didn’t work. And he refuses to goddamn listen or be willing to see big picture or both perspectives: heaven forbid that my own ideas about my stuff should have ANY relevance at all in the proceedings. I felt the pain of all this somatically in my Wounded Nervous System. Then I was forced to move several times thru 2003–2007 to at least three different places then back home again in between and all my sh*t was in 5 different places because each time I moved more stuff went into storage. I never really recovered from this horrible interruption because the next two years were spent dealing with the need for surgery.
Putting Humpty Back Together Again
Therefore, items I consider to “belong together” in the same category are now scattered to the Four Winds, and with them, it seems are pieces of my soul. So the main thrust here is: I need to put Humpty Back together again. WOW. I am really feeling the pain of this. Feeling it feeling it feeling it feeling it! The larger issue is that Medically speaking, my new doctor wanted my social and medical history, to which I want to add my viral history) to respond to my nervous system which is at root of all; I have an idea of 4th Step for Finances to include Income, Employment, Artistic and Educational history as well as my emotional codependency and Adult child issues and All my character defects that block me from having the health and life and relationships I want and deserve are buried underneath all that rubble. Was there another category? And now in my Tuesday CoDA Meeting the 4th Step has begun. On tip of all of this an even larger issue is that my dad is still talking about selling the beach house they actually began working on it and talking to people in prep for that last year. Once that happens he’ll want to sell this house too. I need to feel more in control of and prepared for my next (and hopefully last) move I’d really like for that one to be in a place of my own. It could still be a few years for him to accomplish that, and I’d like to have gotten rid of a lot of stuff before then and have consolidated and organized what I want to keep stored in such a way I can grab it and go before that happens. Never mind the fact I want to have access to what I’m doing now with health and finances available at arm’s reach in and orderly way in my loft. The larger longer terms I see that dealing with all this now will not only free me and my inner space to have the marriage and family I want, but it frees also my future husband and children from having to deal with it later after I’m gone. So purging the crapola at midlife as a single person before that happens has meaning than doing it in my 60’s + 70’s with my parents. Maybe my doing it with my stuff will help them do it with their stuff and I’ll be freed too: do it now at this time. Then I’ll have a new pattern of not having new clutter or keeping it cleared with which to start a new life with my own family. This is blog subject.
So the goal for this year is not about trying to finish the entire core healing or even trying to complete my whole inventory or this medical review. This year. It’s about establishing a new plan for an old dream of going thru each box one at a time, for example, paper files. Throw out what I know is trash then organizing the rest in a file to be scanned for electronic storage. Next is organizing a box each for one calendar year to include journals, financial files, scrapbook etc. all for that year. All the while consolidating all items that go in same year or same category together, throw out or sell eBay or give away what I don’t use then put it either where I can use it now or in those year boxes in chronological order where I know where it is. Getting my resources and materials ORGANIZED and PREPARED for the big projects of scrapbook, multiple inventories and medical evaluations to do later. In this way my defect of Ancestral Hoarding and all the clutter accumulated by a lifetime of such compulsion becomes a documented history I can refer back to and remember as I prepare new resumes and new applications for education just name a few. So yes: I’m honoring my need to take a different approach to put order back in my life and reintegrate my soul by finding what I’ve lost and get ready to do a big new complicated thing in an orderly thoughtful way rather than just dive in willy nilly in hurry and indecision and waste a lot of time scrambling to find or remember because I know I have it somewhere. In this way I will create an avenue to being more peaceful in my daily life because I’m being restored to myself, my belongings and my memory of my true nature.
Friday January 17, 2014
Wow. Wednesday’s big writing leading directly to Moon Circle Annual New Year of Tree “Tubatsabbat” turned into a very powerful event for me. Afterwards, I Remembered Mary’s 7 Pillars of Liberal Arts (from my Christmas Oratorio performance of Mary) on Thursday and Googling that on my phone was an even more powerful shift into an experience of culmination and Great Convergence. I didn’t even want to do tree drawing again for the 3rd time: I felt resistance but I did it anyway and got in touch with a powerful ROOT SYSTEM and my intention this year. All the steady purging and organizing plan was really all about RECONSTRUCTING A ROOT SYSTEM: imperfect but organically growing with rhythmic repeating patterns and consciously connecting those BACK to my trunk. This along with seeing that Sophia picture of 7 Roots of Wisdom, I felt like a huge, important piece of me that I thought I’d lost many years and even decades ago had just been restored. Admittedly, reconnecting recently with two long lost male friends: One with all his high frequency Consciousness raising conspiracy theories and all of the Other’s Books on so much varied subject matter I haven’t read, seriously triggered all that hideous Black globby energy after Christmas and I slipped into a huge funk. I was suddenly possessed by a belief that ALL my perceptions about my own growth all this time have just been a distorted falsehood, an incorrect inaccurate interpretation, and that something I once believed to be true about my own greatness, genius and inner richness was gone lost, had any of that ever been true in the first place. Even the Ex-Boyfriend’s 2012 thing: solving a great Puzzle enigma mystery. I thought I did that once myself. But lately I feel like I have no original thoughts anymore. Damn that is some serious Depressive ACA Victim Vulnerable to Psychic Vampire sh*t. Damn there’s ANOTHER area that needs repair, another intention to write about. Maybe being restored now to this archetypal image will also restore my Somatic Protection against those types of forces.
But remembering the Virgin Mary then googling that on my phone even just a bit; just a brief overview of Catholic/Pagan 7 Wisdom Pillars, Henry James’ Cathedral at Chartres with Mary and Her 7 Pillars of the Liberal Arts changed everything in that one moment and revealed and a new graduate school available to me for further study on this very discipline, Ubiquity Wisdom School with its Pilgrimage to Chartres every summer to study one Pillar in order. Not only do I have a wonderful new Mystery School and course of study to pursue and a new wealth of cool stuff to Blog about, but also broke my Writers Block and restored a deep well of symbolic and archetypal material to my own original image and therefore now my own creative intention for organization has a whole new grounding and I feel so much calmer with that whole thing. I feel like I have recovered a sense of genuine GROWTH, which I also thought was false before. Remembering Mary and Winter Solstice 2013 that night, Connecting to my Knitting and my Solstice Music, feeling my inner divinity: of course that came from the Chartres Book which was such an inspiration for my Mary in Oratorio Path; hearing Oratorio music that Christmas season on radio and thinking about Mirabiela/Unicorn of Unity Consciousness Meditation 7th Moon Spiraling down in to 6 Ebony Stones abyss into the Sanctuary of Witch helped recover all this after all. Damn. I DO still have my own original creative thought, inspired by many sources like Anne Bishops’ Black Jewels Trilogy and (her name?’s) Heart & Soul Angel Cards. The veil was pulled back and FINALLY I see the Great Root System underneath. I DO still have the ability and selfhood that pursues the Mystery and solves the Great Puzzle, like the self-educating Autodidact from that “Admissions” Movie with Tina Fey. I am still self-motivated to find my own archetypes according to the great mystery schools I’ve already claimed as my own.
Now I also see these Moon Circle tree images each year DO represent some great Spiritual growth through just these past 3 years. Now I’m restored to a deep sense CONSCIOUSNESS; not only do I SEE how the images represent such practical growth progress, but I integrate on a Deep Feeling Experiential level how True it really is. I am restored to the Shekinah/Metatron Tree in Full, and found myself and my divinity again in that tree. And once again my roots dug deep to center of earth and I found all my deeply rooted character defects and the excessive imbalance and fertility of Cthonic Monsters seen and identified. Now this year I can begin to evaluate the fertile ground and what to clear out and reorganize/ restructure the Root System and reconnect it Back to Trunk which is big Work of ALL those inventories woven together; the tree now Consciously Re-Rooted in clean, prepared and sacred ground, just like the Cathedral at Chartres was built on top of pagan sacred ground of Cthonic Monsters. Perhaps in the next year or so the Trunk will be fully attended and most of that great work done and healed; then the Branches can finally be attended to and made attractive again to the pollinators of relationships and Business clients or potential jobs. Maybe a little of that will get treatment again. My Tree from last year’s New Year Angel Card layout had evolved to this year’s Temple of Emerald Sea Crystalline Pathway of Healers, which is also a also a pole guarded by Shekinah & Metatron. I have always been a Teacher and Healer of the Mystery, and now the Healer Mystery School has a name: Blue Star, with a concrete course of study lay out in front of me. Thank You. Relief and Gratitude. A Clear Path unfolds for the journey ahead at last.
Now there’s just one thing left to do for the Vision to be Complete: UPDATE ORDER and number OF PILLARS which will be developed further as I complete my 2014 Intentions. Instead of 6 Balance Points of the Human Condition, I will add a 7th and call them Roots of my Shekinah/Metatron Tree and eventually absorb them into Mary’s 7 Pillars of the Liberal Arts and Sofia’s Wisdom and the Latin upon further study with the Chartres Wisdom School