Setting Personal Boundaries To Resist Temptation

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Jack A. Schaap was the revered pastor of a Baptist church in Hammond, Indiana that averaged 15,000 attenders every Sunday. Now he is a convicted felon serving a 12-year prison sentence for sexually abusing a teenage girl who came to him for counseling. His church fired him, his wife divorced him, and his reputation and his life have been utterly ruined.

Former pastor Jack Schaap at his booking
Former pastor Jack Schaap at his booking | Source

After initially taking full responsibility for his crime, which included transporting a minor across state lines for sexual purposes, Schaap sank to even greater depths of moral degradation. In a doomed attempt to have his sentence reduced, he tried to shift blame from himself to his 16-year-old victim, accusing her to the court of aggressively pursuing and seducing him.

What a horrible and excruciatingly painful story! There is absolutely no excuse or palliation for the egregious offenses former pastor Schaap committed.

Yet I don’t believe there was ever a morning when this respected, and to all appearances devout, spiritual leader got out of bed and thought to himself, “this seems like a good day to take advantage of a child’s trust in her pastor, betray my wife and the sanctity of our marriage, subject my church to ridicule and shame, and totally destroy my own life.”

I suspect that when Jack Schaap thinks back over the events of the last few years, he is utterly astounded to have ended up where he is. How could this possibly have happened to him?

None of us is safe

Actually, it could happen to anyone who fails to set proper boundaries for their own behavior. None of us is so strong or so holy as to be immune to temptation. That’s a lesson Scripture teaches over and over, and one that we all would do well to heed before we find ourselves in some unforeseen predicament of our own making, wondering how we ever got there.

Perhaps the most disturbing biblical example of this is the story of the descent of David, second king of Israel, into adultery and murder. Here’s how it happened:

Then it happened one evening that David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king's house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman. And someone said, "Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity; and she returned to her house.

2 Samuel 11:2-4 (NKJV)

The Bible calls David a “man after God’s own heart.” Yet, having started by taking advantage of his position to force the wife of a loyal officer in his army to sleep with him, David ended up conspiring to have that man killed in an attempt to insure that the scandal would not be exposed.

Temptation can hit us any time and without warning

I’m struck by the introduction to this devastating episode that catapulted King David into adultery, betrayal, and murder: “It happened one evening.”

David got out of bed that evening with no thought of creating a murderous mess in his life. But then he happened to notice a beautiful woman bathing herself on a nearby roof. And that one happenstance started a chain of events that swept David (not to mention Bathsheba, Uriah, and others) over a precipice into moral catastrophe.

Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.

— 1 Corinthians 10:12

Here’s the key: none of this was planned. David was caught up in a totally unexpected wave of temptation that carried him along almost before he realized what was happening. The temptations that can devastate our lives don’t necessarily announce themselves ahead of time. They can hit us and, if we are not prepared, sweep us away into deep trouble before we are even aware of our danger.

The Bible is clear: if you think you are so strong or so spiritual that you won’t ever be tempted, watch out! “Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall,” the apostle Paul admonishes (1 Corinthians 10:12).

Temptation can be a very slippery slope

David cannot be faulted for seeing Bathsheba taking her bath. It wasn’t anything he intended, and he had no way of avoiding that sight until it happened. The issue was, once he realized that his eyes were seeing something that had sexual temptation written all over it, what should he have done about it?

What David needed to realize was that the moment he saw Bathsheba bathing, he was at the top of an extremely slippery slope from which he needed to retreat as fast as his legs could carry him.

Danger: Slippery Slope!
Danger: Slippery Slope! | Source

I remember my first time on snow skis in Colorado. I was on the most gradual of bunny slopes. But once I started moving, I began going faster and faster, and pretty soon found myself at a place I shouldn’t be, interfering with real skiers at the end of their run down the mountain. Since I hadn’t yet gotten to the lesson on how to stop, I did the only thing I knew to do – I deliberately fell down. And once I had fallen, I couldn’t get back up (how to get back on your feet while wearing skis must have been lesson 3).

Setting boundaries to resist temptation

Many types of temptation, and sexual ones especially, are like that. Once you start moving in that direction, your momentum can increase far more quickly than you expect, and you find yourself being carried downhill faster and faster. Before you know it, you’re in a place you shouldn’t be, headed for a fall, but unable to stop yourself.

That’s why we have to prepare ourselves ahead of time to deal with potential slippery slope situations. In other words, instead of frantically trying to stop our momentum toward disaster after taking some unwary steps into dangerous territory, we need to set up boundaries in our lives that will keep us from getting into such situations in the first place.

We need to set boundaries ahead of time

For example, Pastor Schaap could have kept himself from life-destroying trouble if he had put some pre-determined boundaries in place regarding how he would handle counseling with women. As a pastor myself, that’s one of the first things my mentors urged upon me at the beginning of my ministry.

My boundary lines are very simple: I will not counsel with women unless my wife is either present in the room, or in the building and able to walk into my office unannounced at any moment. She always knows about any counseling I intend to do and has sometimes sensed that I needed to be extra careful with a particular woman. When that’s the case, we arrange that she and I will counsel that individual as a team.

I’ve really tried to think through what unintended consequences might arise out of even the most casual of contacts between me and the females of our congregation. So, another boundary line I’ve drawn for myself is that when a female member of our church staff comes into my office to hand me something, I take care not to even touch her hand during the exchange. (In our church men and women openly hug one another in the sanctuary during the worship service, but I consider my office too private a location for any male/female touching to be safe).

Does that seem paranoid? Do I consider myself some kind of Adonis that woman just can’t resist? Not at all! And to be honest, I’m very sure that I am in absolutely no danger of having any kind of inappropriate interaction with women in our congregation.

But that’s the point! Temptation can sneak up on you even when, and perhaps especially when, you are convinced “I would never do that.” To paraphrase the apostle Paul, if you think you’re strong enough to stand, you’re setting yourself up for a fall!

Have you set specific personal boundaries in your life?

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VIDEO: A lighthearted look at resisting temptation

How to set your personal boundaries

In teaching about setting personal boundaries, I often use the temple at Jerusalem in the time of Christ to illustrate what’s required. The temple complex was divided into two major areas: the inner courts, and the outer court. The inner courts were considered sacred and inviolable by anyone but Jews. If a non-Jew was found in the inner court, the penalty was death.

On the other hand, the outer court was designated as “the court of the Gentiles.” It was open to any pious person, Jew or Gentile, provided, as Alfred Edersheim states, “they observed the prescribed rules of decorum and reverence.”

The Jerusalem Temple in the time of Jesus
The Jerusalem Temple in the time of Jesus | Source

Suppose you were a Gentile visiting Jerusalem, and you wanted to see this famous temple. To keep yourself from potentially life-threatening missteps, you would need to think through your options very carefully beforehand:

  • Your first option is simply to refrain from going into the Temple compound at all. In other words, don’t cross that initial boundary into the outer court. That way you keep as far away from trouble as possible.
  • Your second option would be to allow yourself to cross the outer boundary into the court of the Gentiles. But you would need to carefully study beforehand the “prescribed rules of decorum and reverence” to which you must adhere in order to stay out of trouble. In other words, if you decide to cross that outer boundary line, you need to do so very carefully, fully aware that you are exposing yourself to an elevated level of danger.
  • The final possibility is no option at all. Whatever you do, you must not cross the boundary line of the inner courts of the Temple! If you do, it’s possible you might make it out alive, but the probability is that you would pay an extreme price for your carelessness.

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An example of setting inner and outer boundary lines

Let’s say you are a married man who has been sent on a business trip along with a female colleague we’ll call Sandy. The two of you will be staying in the same hotel. What boundary lines might you want to set up for yourself ahead of time?

First of all, you identify the innermost of the inner courts – the place that, should you ever find yourself there, you are already embroiled in moral disaster. In our example, we could say that the bed in Sandy’s hotel suite is such a place. Never, under any circumstances, can you allow yourself to end up there!

But is that really a good place to establish your boundary? Suppose you escort Sandy to her room after a long day’s work, and she suggests you come in for a few minutes to discuss how you will handle the meetings scheduled for the next day. Is there anything wrong with just sitting at a table together to talk business strategy?

Remember the slippery slope! Just by being in a place where you are alone with Sandy (and perhaps can smell that alluring perfume she likes to wear), you may be just a slight push away from a downhill run you won’t be able to stop in time.

So, while the door to Sandy’s bedroom constitutes an inner court boundary you are totally committed to never crossing, you might also decide that being alone with her under any circumstances is an appropriate outer boundary. If you ever cross that line, nothing ruinous has happened yet, but you know you are on dangerous ground and need to be extremely careful. You should only cross that outer boundary line when it is absolutely necessary.

Michael Hyatt, former Chairman and CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, shared some of his outer court boundaries in a post on his leadership blog:

  • I will not go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex.
  • I will not travel alone with someone of the opposite sex.
  • I will not flirt with someone of the opposite sex.
  • I will speak often and lovingly of my wife. (This is the best adultery repellant known to man.)

Personal boundaries should be pre-set, with both inner and outer courts.

Here are three keys to setting personal boundaries that will be effective in keeping you out of unnecessary trouble:

1. Boundaries should be set ahead of time

That moment when you are standing at the open door of Sandy’s hotel room and smelling her perfume as you consider her invitation to come in for a cup of coffee is not the time to be trying to figure out what your boundaries should be! You need to carefully consider potential slippery slope situations you might find yourself in, and pre-determine the boundary lines you will not cross. This should be done at a time when you are not being subjected to the pressure or temptation that may arise from that circumstance, and can think things through with a clear mind.

2. Set inner court boundaries that you will not cross under any circumstances

This doesn’t just apply to sexual encounters. For example, other inner court areas might involve lying to cover up mistakes or wrong doing, or firing a gun at someone out of anger rather than as a last resort for self defense. Knowing exactly where that forbidden territory is helps you develop strategies for insuring you never go there.

3. Set outer court boundaries that keep you far away from trouble

An outer court is a place where the level of potential danger is heightened, but where you are not in trouble yet. It is a boundary you do not intend to cross, but if you do, it serves as a signal that you are approaching a dangerous slippery slope and you need to retreat immediately.

For example, to return to our previous scenario, sharing a meal alone with just your coworker Sandy, even if it’s in a public restaurant, is definitely crossing a line. The fact that you have stepped across that boundary is a warning that you have gotten into dangerous territory from which you need to back away as quickly as possible.

Pass it on!

I believe that no matter who you are, or whatever may be your circumstance in life, having appropriate personal boundaries is vital to keeping yourself safe in a very dangerous world. But in addition to making sure you have boundaries in place for your own life, please consider this:

Young people desperately need to be taught to set personal boundaries

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We live in a world where omnipresent media sources subject our children to a wide variety of influences they would not even have been aware of in an earlier day. And many of those influences are far from healthy.

The ability to set and stick to personal boundaries is a tool our young people need to have in their life skills toolkit in order to make their way successfully through the tangled web of pressures and temptations they will inevitably face as they grow older.

From an early stage in life, children need to be alerted to the kinds of situations they can expect to encounter, and helped to think through how they will react when those circumstances occur. I am convinced that such training is a vital element of the inner strength and practical wisdom our young people need if they are to avoid the pitfalls the modern world places in their path every day.

If you are a parent, a teacher, or anyone who is in a position to mentor young people, please teach them how to set personal boundaries for themselves!

© 2015 Ronald E. Franklin

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21 comments

Venkatachari M profile image

Venkatachari M 14 months ago from Hyderabad, India

Very much interesting and instructive post. I am glad to see all this and to know that you are able to set the boundaries so cleverly and perfectly. I appreciate your honesty and moral code of conduct.

Thanks for sharing all these inspiring tips and stories.


phoenix2327 profile image

phoenix2327 14 months ago from United Kingdom

Good hub, Ron. I've never really thought about setting boundaries like this. I just assumed I would recognize a bad situation and just naturally avoid it. I see now I was setting myself up for a fall. Such is the hubris of man.


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 14 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Wow this is just great. I remember going downtown to many classes and meetings when I was "applying" to be a lay minister. What struck me most in learning the boundaries was the emphasis on love. The total dignity we must treat others with is a gift. Abraham Lincoln said to the effect that "obedience of the law is the greatest freedom". Setting boundaries in a humble way is a full freedom to celebrate the Gentile sanctuary. Thank you for this hub.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 14 months ago from The Caribbean

Outrage is my response to sexual abuse by anyone, but especially by the clergy. What can't they understand about allowing women to counsel women, or allowing a couple? Do the godly men think that they are beyond temptation? Or, could they somehow get the idea that they have some special favor with God, so they can sin with impunity? With that said, thank you for explaining these very valuable boundaries.


JoanTheChoirLady profile image

JoanTheChoirLady 14 months ago from Los Angeles

My dad (who is also my pastor) worked a 9-to-5 job for many years. He told us that when he was at work, he would not say to a co-worker that "that dress looks nice on you." In order to avoid any possible drama, he decided that they would have to figure out for themselves what they look good in.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Venkatachari M, thanks much. I'm sure I haven't done it perfectly, but I hope it's useful to others.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Thanks so much, phoenix2327. I'm really glad it started you thinking about the issue.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Thanks, Ericdierker. I think your comment on the relationship between love and boundaries highlights an important truth. It is only within acknowledged and secure boundaries that love can be freely and appropriately expressed.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Hi, MsDora. The Bible is clear that those entrusted with leadership among God's people are held to a higher standard. In the very nature of things they face more opportunities to fall than most other people. That's why putting appropriate boundaries in place from the very beginning is so crucial. Thanks for sharing.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

JoanTheChoirLady, your dad seems like a wise man! Thanks for sharing.


aethelthryth profile image

aethelthryth 14 months ago from American Southwest

Thanks for the reminder of the common sense and humility which I am so prone to abandon when reading about one of these scandals and thinking what a good thing it is that I am better than that person!

Our church has adopted some very restrictive rules for Sunday School teachers for these kinds of reasons, and I am inclined to complain about the annoyance, and this reminds me that I should be grateful for the rules instead.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

aethelthryth, that's a very good point. When boundaries are set for us, we tend to resent it. Instead, as you say, we should appreciate the added layer of security they provide for everyone. Thanks for sharing.


Jennifer Mugrage profile image

Jennifer Mugrage 14 months ago from Columbus, Ohio

Great Hub. Well-written. Truly, David's fall does not mean that "he wasn't so godly after all," but that ANYONE, no matter how godly, can fall at any time.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 14 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

That's it, Jennifer. As I implied in the piece, I doubt that Pastor Schaap got into the situation that ruined him through evil intentions, at least initially. If we don't set and observe proper boundaries, any of us could find ourselves in such a mess. Thanks for reading and sharing.


kalinin1158 profile image

kalinin1158 13 months ago from California

I know from personal experience that temptation can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Constant vigilance! Great advice, Ron.


lawrence01 profile image

lawrence01 13 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

Ron

When I left the Army I went working with an organization called Operation Mobilization. A missions organization for young folks, they had some very strict 'boundaries' for their young people that we had to stick to and they were a lifesaver on more than one occasion!

I met my wife on 'OM' and we carriefd on many of the policies they had as they just made good sense!

We've added a few of our own but those are more to do with finances and makibg sure we don't get into difficulties in other areas and they work!

Great hub

Lawrence


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 13 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Thanks, kalinin1158. I hope your lesson wasn't too hard won!


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 13 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Many thanks, lawrence01, and greetings to a fellow OM alumnus! It's interesting that you speak of the OM boundaries. I had some great opposite gender friends in my time in OM, and I think the boundaries gave us freedom to enjoy one another's company without fear. I look back on OM as a great experience, even if I didn't get a wife out of it!


lawrence01 profile image

lawrence01 13 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

Ron

I totally agree. When I tell Christians here about the boundaries that we had the look at me as if I'm an Alien from outer space!! By the way I'd given up looking when Jodie came along!

That's one of the keys STOP LOOKING THEN GOD CAN DO WHAT HE DOES!!

The boundaries work as you can concentrate on other stuff!


Kristen Howe profile image

Kristen Howe 13 months ago from Northeast Ohio

Ron, this was shocking and a bit appalling to hear about this former pastor. That's not what God would want him to do. But this hub was clear cut and highly detailed about setting boundaries in your life, personal and professional. If you don't cross those lines, you won't be tempted and fail.


RonElFran profile image

RonElFran 13 months ago from Mechanicsburg, PA Author

Thanks, Kristen. Over the past few years, we've seen an astounding number of Christian leaders end up in places I'm convinced they never thought they would be. Not falling into serious transgressions requires both a heart that's right, and godly wisdom for living. Neglecting either of those is a great recipe for disaster.

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