The Dark Night of my Soul
For those who read my blog “a vision of Purgatory” know, that some 20 years ago I had a religious experience that somewhat changed my life. It was a joy that was hard to contain, a fleeting moment of ecstasy, and I thought, WOW, I must be favored by God,
I was on the right path, I was going to be a priest. So sure I was going into the seminary that next season, I started to give away all my worldly goods, what need do I have for earthly possessions for God had filled me up with his joy.
And then the church had thought that I was to much of a liability, I was to old and to fat.
They had rejected me, GOD had rejected me! And not for any spiritual, or intellectual reason. But because I might become a financial liability. Understand, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was heavy, but I worked out in the gym for three house every day, I got up, like 4 or 5 in the morning, I was waiting at the front door before they even opened it, and then after my workout I would open up the church and set up for mass, assist at mass, clean up, close up, and then go do my regular job, I had energy, I had stamina, I had dedication. I had been working on my health for 6 years, and to be told, sorry you might cost us money at sometime, was devastating.
I left the Church, explored some of the darker aspects of my life, and for a year I was lost soul, wondering aimlessly.
Eventually, I returned, I missed church, it was so much part of my life, but it’s never has been the same, like a wife who find out her husband has been keeping a mistress, I can never really trust God again, can not really give him my love again.
The Dark night of my soul has lasted 20 years now, and I’ve moved on, I worked with the mentally handicapped, thinking maybe this was the path God had chosen for me, and now I’ve been laid off from that job. The first time I’ve been unemployed in all my life, and I’m scared, and it’s been two months, and I’ve applied to everything that might be remotely similar to what I’ve done before, and I see nothing on the horizon.
And I wonder when will the light ever come…..
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