The Holy Head Bangers

Rolls Royce from Casey J Porter  flickr.com
Rolls Royce from Casey J Porter flickr.com
source: flickr.com
source: flickr.com
Burning Money from Bob Bauer  flickr.com
Burning Money from Bob Bauer flickr.com
My hokie yacht from Jared Irish  flickr.com
My hokie yacht from Jared Irish flickr.com
Devotees inside the temple from Siddharth Setia  flickr.com
Devotees inside the temple from Siddharth Setia flickr.com

The Holy Head Bangers

By Tony DeLorger © 2011


I have given it much consideration and conclude that being a religious leader has more advantages than not, so I’m starting a new religion. The religion is called ‘The Holy Head Bangers’ and the premise of the ideology is as follows...

Devotees are to find an immovable flat surface and bang their heads against it until almost losing consciousness. When the pain slowly subsides, God will appear and discuss all manner of problems and solutions. The nature and content of that communication is his business alone.

As a religious leader I shall have all the trappings, money, adoration, Rolls Royces, women and the pleasure of walking down the street to see everyday people banging their heads on poles and walls, talking to God. Oh the religious fervour!

In my new capacity as religious leader I shall take twelve disciples, one of whom will betray me. I will be crucified, metaphorically speaking, die and on the third day rise again. During my interview with ‘A Current Affair’ or ‘Sixty Minutes’ I will simply say the following- quote ‘If people are stupid enough to bang their heads against a wall on my say so, then they deserve to get a headache’ unquote.

Human beings have always beaten their heads against walls out of frustration and above all for giving themselves such a hard time. We in fact do it so much it may as well be a religion.

People seek peace and contentment in life by going out of their way to be kind to others but rarely give the same consideration to themselves. This lack of kindness creates guilt and self-loathing that we as humanity have mastered. Indeed, in a metaphorical sense, we spend much of our time berating ourselves and being on that street banging the nearest wall. It is not just a habit but an addiction. We are with fault and therefore should pay for it.

The irony is that the failures that cause us to lose faith in ourselves only exist to teach us. Head banging does little in that regard. Instead of accepting the lessons of failure we persecute ourselves and lose even more self-esteem, and become even less able to deal with failure and the message it brings.

Head banging is an art that has been masterfully executed throughout the ages. Being the custodian of it in a religious sense, appeals to me. I always wanted to be a guru, at least have all the perks; although I’m not sure about robes. Still, that adage about a man asking another man why he was banging his head against a wall, comes to mind; his answer...’because it feels so good when I stop.’

The Holy Head Bangers awaits you; the religion above all religions. Only 20% of your income will guarantee a place in heaven or, cranial research, whichever comes first. What are you waiting for? There’s a wall no more than a few feet away. And I’m always available for consultation, the one in the silver Rolla.


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Comments 5 comments

Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

lol It's all good Mr. Tony. I'm having fun so do have fun yourself too! Cheers.


Tony DeLorger profile image

Tony DeLorger 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia Author

Mr. Happy, you're so Korny. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Thanks for the offer; I might need a publicity agent. It's hard to be a religious leader.


Tony DeLorger profile image

Tony DeLorger 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia Author

Oh Stump, at least you tried. Thanks for a memorable reply.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Great blog. Pretty funny too. Can I get job, I'm pretty good with the ways of the media and propaganda in general ... I am sure I can multiply your followers, at a reasonable rate.

This is what I think when I hear "head bangers": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJXle3LP_Q&playnex...

So, yes the title threw me off. Nicely written. Cheers!


Stump Parrish profile image

Stump Parrish 5 years ago from Don't have a clue, I'm lost.

Father Tony, I come to you in my moment of need. I am by nature a hard headed Yankee and have recently had a hard time (no pun intended) in finding a suitable surface to bang my head on. I tried a large tree and ended up with a years worth of firewood to clean up. I tried a wall in my house and am now looking for a new place to live. The lightpost you mentioned didn't work out so well, It fell over onto my car and now I am walking to work two jobs to repair the electrical system in my hometown. I am considering trying this with the head of a christian but I am afraid I might meet my match and have to watch my last three brain cells fall out and run away. Hard headedly yours, Stump

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