The Made Up Origin of Satan in the Day That god Blew a Lucifer Out of His Nose
Long long ago on a rock far away covered with fluffy white clouds and harp playing angels n stuff. . . . .
Oooops, excuse me. It couldn't be that long ago. In order to please the fundementalists we must keep it around 6000 years ago. And this rock AKA heaven must be situated right above earth. . .. . .Oh hell, Earth wasn't around yet for this Lucifer to be cast onto it. After all, Satan was already well established when he told Eve to eat the forbiddin fruit on what? The 7th or 8th day? Soooooooo. . . .. .. . ..never mind!!!
Anyhow, strike up the orchestra. Ladies and gentlemen, John Williams and the London Symphony will play the openning theme to this double trillogy of Oh Lucifer, You Devil. Damn, can I change the title now?
So where should we begin? Oh. ... . .
How has thou fallen from heaven, O howl, son of the dawn. Hewn down to the earth, O crusher of nations. (Talking about the king of Babylon,.)
Satan-Hellooooooo?? It's me Satan, that's being spoken of here. Get out of my way King of Babylon. I will now show the devine work of the KJ so as to set you heathens straight.
O Lucifer, son of the dawn.
We continue with the story of the Lugi. . . .excuse me, the Lucifer being blown to the earth.
Thou hast been in Eden, the garden of God
You know what? We are already into episode IV. We've already heard about the covering cherub and the draggon cast out of heaven and everything else that the church thinks it understands.
Let's go with episode one.
The Luciferion Menace (Start the orchestra again)
So a perfect cherub is created named Lucifer. He is perfect in every way. Know why? God made him perfect. There is no imperfection. . . . . except for that free will thing. We now learn that god will never be safe in eternity, because with all of those free wills floaten around, who knows who will next try to dethrone the all powerful. . . ..or maybe not so powerful because he made perfection with a flaw called free will. But the first to think of all of this was Lucifer, the perfect spoiled brat little nose cherub.
Lucifer-I am perfect in every way but I want more. I want to go above god (I'm using a whiny little voice for Lucifer dialoge). Huahahahahahahahaha!!
(Kinda reminds ya of the terminator movies, doesn't it? Man creates a bunch of damn robots that decide to take over the world. You'd think God would have seen this coming. But I digest.)
god-Uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm?? Lucifer?? What do you think you're doing there?
Lucifer-Hahahaha god, I am preparing to go above you and take one third of your angels with me. That should do it. I will be the new god. And you will be my slave.
god scratches his head and ponders, "does he realize that I am about to create a universe and planet with such finely tuned life forms as to blow evolutionists out of the water? And he thinks he can overthrow me? Perhaps when I created him I should have given him a workable brain with common sense".
But god plays along and says "Luci, if you try to do this I will throw you down on that planet there (with the help of my top angel, Michael) and there you will pass the time by trying to get all of humanity to join you.
Lucifer-Hahahaha, what's the name of that planet? Oh, I know, it's Uranus, isn't it? So, you're going to stick me into Uranus? Hahahaha.
god-No, that big gassy thing out there is Uranus. That is Earth.
Lucifer-Oh well, looks good. I'm gonna hang out in that garden there and pretend to be a snake. What's so bad about that?
At this point god gets a big bloated look on his face. He makes the Earth transparent, opens up a small portion of it, and points his backside towards it. He lights a match and blows a loud vibrating hot gas onto it (faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!!), sending a flame right into the center of this green, fertil planet.
god-there will be your eternal dwelling if you defy me. Oh hell, what should I call it. Just give me time Luci, I'll think of a name for it.
Lucifer- Oh yeah, god? Well first, I'm gonna kick your ass!!
They fought hard and long. Lucifer (now Satan) whipped his tail around and caught god right in the noggin. god grabbed Satan and did an automic knee drop. But then Satan grabbed a hold of. . .. . .god's. . . ..uuuummm. . . .man hood and squeesed until god was able to sing that high note in the star spangled banner. But finally, god pulled out his lightsaber and cut Satan's hand off, freeing his throbbing stimulous package. He picked up Satan over his head and threw him down onto the Earth. (See, god had just invented gravity so that the Earth's mass would suck Satan right into it)
Epilogue for Episode III:
Satan paces the land. He looks up (where ya'll think heaven is? Down?) and says, I'll get you god. I will mess up your whole creation. First, I'll plant these dinosaur fosills and make people enjoy money and sex. I'll have plenty of company in hell. Huahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!! Oh, and God, guess what else I'm gonna do to your beloved humans to make sure they join me.
god-No Satan, you wouldn't!!
Satan-I'm gonna give them all a free will. Huahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
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