"The Promise Fulfilled" ~ Part Sixteen ~

Justified before God

At the points in time in which the realization would hit me afresh that I wasn’t enjoying getting high any longer? There seemed to be a force which drove me to do so almost without my own volition. It became the norm for me that it was no longer “I” who was doing the drugs and booze, but it was they who were “doing” me.

I looked outside of my eyes as I stumbled along in the world of the living, not truly alive, yet I could not see. I heard, but I couldn’t “hear." I craved more and more drugs, yet whatever I used was never enough to satisfy that intense craving that seemed to claw at my very soul.

Whatever I used, no matter how much of it I used, it never seemed to fill that hole, that empty space deep down inside of the heart of me. I wanted....I wanted SOMETHING, yet I didn’t know what that something was for which I so longed. I didn’t know then that it was a Person, and not any substance of any type, which would finally quell the tempest that raged within me.

In the meantime I just kept on doing more drugs, and different kinds of drugs, and drinking more alcohol while having more sex with more teenaged boys and men. And to add to my shame, a couple of times with more than one partner at a time. I had no self-respect, I had never had any. All the while there was something inside of me that was driving me to find something or some magic one to “fix me." To fill that unfillable gigantic, Grand Canyon size of a hole deep inside of the innermost being of me. It had always been there inside of my heart from my earliest memory. It was the “life” which I chose to lead that brought it so close to the surface.

I just never knew that that was what it was that had driven me to do all the things that I did in a physical way to try and fulfill my needs in the only ways that I saw in the world around me that “needs” were met. I didn’t know, nor could I have seen, those things about me then. But you can surefire bet Satan did! So, as I said, I kept on using harder drugs in larger amounts without much effect at all that I could tell.

Some of my friends, and drug dealers too, would trip out on me sometimes saying things like; “you had better ease up Susan or you are going to overdose”. I just kept on keeping on though, using even more, for after all dying was one of my goals then. Too, I kept chasing again and again after that first “rush” I had felt in using cocaine. The kind where I’d get this “roaring” in my ears and that blood would just be pumping in my heart like crazy as the drug made coursed it’s way along my veins and nerve endings until it hit my brain.

I never found that original rush again though, no matter how much and how long I tried to chase it down. Not in that particular way anyway. I believe now that I was trying to again kill myself intentionally. I had from my earliest years wanted to die although I didn’t know what “to die” really meant. I just never felt like I belonged anywhere, or to anybody. Or like there was anyone who really cared about or loved me. Of course I know now that that was all Satan's lie, but back then it was all too real to me.


My feelings and thoughts, even at such an early age, were merely doorways for Satan. Doorways with invisible welcome signs engraved on my emotions. An invitation, if you will allow, for him to send thoughts into my head and plague me with these feelings of not low self esteem, but of no self esteem at all.

So, as the days of my existence in those years melded into one another, eventually I could no longer feel for I had become numb. I use the term “walking dead” in this writing because that is exactly what I had become, a zombie who merely appeared to be alive on the outside. A caricature of the creature that God had had in His mind when the Word who was made flesh created all life in the beginning.

In the midst of the nightmare of what had for so long been my personal reality, I merely was existing and not really living life at all. Going through the motions of life, yet not being a participant in or of it. Not caring or aware at the time that I wasn’t either, for one had to feel or even recognize the state of their being in order to truly care. So I found myself merely existing in this life that I had unconsciously chosen at what was, in the years 1967-68, such a tender, fairly innocent young age. Compared with the youth of today, I mean. From that first day forth it was to be 36+ long and arduous years before the Susan which God saw before the creation of the world ever saw the light of day.

Rejection....feelings of loneliness and the history of sexual and physical abuse all contributed to my desire to escape my reality. Yet I alone am responsible for the choices I made which winded up with my becoming the prodigal daughter. No one else bought that first tube of glue and poured it into a brown paper bag to breathe into my lungs it’s fumes. No one but me. The first step into a self created drug induced abyss that became far darker than I have the words with which to describe to you. Little did I realize that I was creating a monster that day back in 1967-68.

One drug led to another as my flesh craved more potent ones over time. As a tolerance level was developed in my body to the previous one I was using to get high? I habitually found myself seeking something stronger which would give me a more satisfying "rush" than that one I had previously used. All of them were merely pathways of delusional and self induced heartache, destruction, misery and pain. Pain for myself and anyone else that was unlucky enough to, at the time, care for me.

The culmination of all of the drugs led me to cocaine and then crack-cocaine as I previously may have stated. The “white lady” made it’s arrival into my life in my early thirties, I believe. Time became so irrelevant in between the times I was seeking the drug that the semblance of time still somewhat escapes me. I can only tell you that I was “out there” for approximately the thirty six plus years I have stated. Cocaine destroys all that may have been decent which resided in that person who is habitually using it. Cocaine turns a person into someone they are no longer familiar with. Intrinsically remaking them into people they don’t even know. Certainly that is what it did to me. More importantly the drugs remade me into a person that my family no longer knew or could trust.

Here is a cocaine poem that someone wrote, probably a woman from the sound of it. And it's true, though I didn't perceive it when someone had anonymously sent it to me in the mail:

My Name Is Cocaine

My name is Cocaine - call me Coke for short.
I entered this country without a passport.
Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.
Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
Use me just once and you too will be sold.
I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.
I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.
I'll take a renowned speaker and make her into a bore.
I'll take a mother and make her a whore.
I'll make a schoolteacher forget how to teach.
I'll make a preacher not want to preach.
I'll take all your rent money and you'll get evicted.
I'll murder your babies or they'll be born addicted.
I'll make you rob and steal and kill.
When you're under my power you have no will.
Remember my friend my name is ' Big C '.
If you try me just one time you may never be free.
I've destroyed actors, politicians and many a hero.
I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.
I make shooting and stabbing a common affair.
Once I take charge you won't have a prayer.
Now that you know me what will you do?
You'll have to decide, It's all up to you.
The day you agree to sit in my saddle.
The decision is one that no one can straddle.
Listen to me, and please listen well.
When you ride with cocaine you are headed for hell!!!


Over time I begged, borrowed, stole and sold myself in order to obtain crack cocaine. I’m far from proud of it but I did it, and unless I am truthful with you about all of this how can I expect for you to listen to and believe me when I tell you about Jesus? That you believe me when I speak of Jesus is of primary importance for without Him there exists no salvation in any other name. Nor does there exist any true freedom for the addicts in the world, past, present or future.

Jesus said to them, “ I AM the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.” {John 6:35}

Jesus spoke in terms that even very little children could comprehend. He said, "If you are hungry come to Me and eat. If you are thirsty come to me and drink, I will satisfy your hungry spirit and your thirsty soul until we reach Heaven."

Men and women without Jesus are forever seeking something to satisfy the emptiness which exists within our most inner selves. But Jesus is the only One who can satisfy that emptiness. The terms of salvation are simple and easily understood. Just come to Jesus, believe on Him, trust in Him and receive Him, and irregardless of how sinful we may be or how hard our hearts may be, He will save us. The words of the bible verse I just quoted are powerful and precious words. Take them into your heart and soul, rest on and in them for He who is God spoke them to us all. Jesus will satisfy our inner man, and you will neither spiritually hunger nor thirst again. This is the true hunger and thirst which exists inside of men, women and children of all ages.

That’s what Jesus meant when He said:

"I AM the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh." {John 6:51}

Eventually I winded up with one foot in the grave and the other in a literal prison. In fact, I believe that my going to prison played a part in God’s permissive plan to save my life then, and my soul from an eternity in hell.

The time that I spent in jail and prison were, in the end, good for me. After all it was about time I repaid my debt to society for the crimes for which I had been arrested because I was guilty of them and more. I remember the day the police first arrested me I was scared as all get out because I had never spent any real time in jail before as my Mom and my Dad always helped me out and rescued me from any consequences when I got caught doing wrong. Here I must mention that the last wrongs I did were against them because I stole their checks in order to buy crack. After my Dad’s death there were a couple of antique items of his that I sold in order to buy it too.

Before my arrest the longest period of time I spent behind bars were in the drunk tank sobering up after a Driving Under the Influence and being publicly intoxicated charges. Still I didn’t remember much about those times as I was very inebriated and "pilled up" too..

As I was saying concerning my arrest that winded me up in prison, when I was arrested that day, while hiding out at an old boyfriend’s house, I was shocked that the police found me. I don’t know how they knew where I was, but they did nevertheless.

They were looking for me because of a couple of check’s I had stolen from this girl I had been living with. I did not have her permission to take the money even though with that money I stole she and I together smoked the “rock” bought with it. That still didn’t remove my responsibility for stealing from her when she had invited me to come and live with her out of the goodness of her heart.. I always invariably did people wrong in those days. I just couldn’t seem to help myself for all I could do was think about ways of getting the cocaine and using it to alleviate the angst I felt in my soul.

I had went to my bank after forging her name on another one of her checks after I had already confessed to her what I had done when I was still living with her. That was a different day though and I knew when the teller said the bank officer wanted to speak with me I was "busted" and as I was waiting for what seemed like hours, I decided to get up and left as quickly as I could and went the back way to the boyfriend’s house after stopping to get a six pack of rot-gut beer to chug down to quell my nerves. It was after that that the police found me where I was and arrested me.

I had never known such fear before as to be locked up with a bunch of women who behaved more like caged animals than human beings. Not all of them were like that for there were also women who loved Christ like I now did who found themselves on the wrong side of the law. The fact that the jail allowed outside churches and ministers to come in and have bible studies with us helped us a great deal. Even the women who did not sit at the benches where the bible studies were taking place seemed to calm down a little at their presence in the jail.

One thing one of the prisoners told me while I was there was that I didn’t have to report to Social Security my whereabouts even though I was on disability so I didn’t. I suppose I must have known that somehow that couldn’t really be true. But I needed and wanted the money to be able to get what I needed in jail so I just acted as though I believed what she said and at the time I did, but because I wanted to believe it. One thing was sure, nobody else was going to go my bond as my Dad had passed away and my Mom was in a nursing home because of Alzheimer's.

I suppose it was like four months later before I went before the Judge and he set a bond for me after a pre-sentencing report by an expert to investigate if I had any criminal background that would add to or take away from what would, in the end, be my sentence for all my felonies, my petty larceny's and my grand larceny and any other crimes.

During those months I had saved up in my account from the checks enough to get a bondsman and pay him to get me out of jail. Boy! On the day I walked out of that jail I was one happy camper! I went straight back to David’s house to see where things may now stand between us as he had come to visit me in jail and I wrote to him from there as well. Things had changed, I could feel it in the air around us. You know that saying “ you can never go back?" It’s true you never can because time does not stand still for any of us. I stayed on there a little while but then became so uncomfortable that I decided to go and visit my friends who lived on the other side of town, the Phillips. Dennis and Stephanie and their little girl Stacey. Stephanie and I had worked before at a restaurant together and Dennis had been a steady customer who became our friend and then Stephanie’s husband.

They heard my sad tale and as they also partied a bit we did that together too. I, to my everlasting regret, had introduced them to cocaine, crack cocaine, and before long they too had become as addicted as I, I believe. One day Dennis took me to David’s house to get my suitcase with what clothing I had and David just glared at me so I didn’t say much to him as I went into the room where I saw my suitcase open with all of it’s contents scattered around the room. It was anger that made him do that, so I just told him thank you for letting me stay here and then I left sad. Sad for what had been and would never be again. I had loved that boy/man since he was sixteen and seventeen years old and now he was in his thirties. Today he is dead....and I’m afraid to think where his soul is right now. I comfort myself with the thought that I have no clue what may have transpired in his life after we parted ways. So he may have sought out the Lord and been saved. I pray that that is the case anyway for I cannot bear the thought of him or anyone else spending eternity in hell.

While I was at Dennis and Stephanie’s house my court date came up and I went to court to see what the Judge would say. It turned out that I had twelve counts against me. Of the four checks I had forged each carried with them four counts of forgery and uttering, two counts of grand larceny and two counts of petty larceny. So the Judge said after the expert investigator had filled him in on my background that I was facing a possible 104 YEARS in jail for my crimes. That scared me to death, and it surely scared me out of returning to court on the date set for my sentencing!

I remained on the run, although I stayed in town for the most part, for almost two years before I turned myself in. And the only reason I turned myself in was because I had promised God the night before that I would as I was drinking my last celebratory fifth of some cheap Vodka. I thought one last hooray right? Before the judgment day. To turn myself in knowing the Judge had said I could wind up spending 104 years in Prison for my bad checks was the hardest thing I had ever done. And certainly the most responsible thing that I had ever done in my entire life.

But I had promised God and so I did it. It made no difference to me that I was drunk at the time. When you promise God it’s like a holy thing and you should never go back on your promises to God no matter what. I’ve done that before and the feeling isn’t a good one. Though I know that God knew what I was going to wind up doing about a particular choice in my life that I had made even before I chose it.

I’m speaking of cigarettes here as I promised God that I would quit them too with His help about four years ago. And I winded up quitting for almost three years before I got my eyes off of Jesus and onto me and my present problems and stupidly lit one up thinking that that would be the end of it. Boy was I snookered by the devil or what as this time he made his sneak attack at me through nicotine. You see I conveniently forgot that I still am, in my flesh, an addict who will become addicted to that thing she once was addicted to if ever she chooses to pick that up again. I did, and now here I am a smoker of about five months now.

My COPD with emphysema has picked up where it left off and I’m back in the battle to quit yet again the same thing that the Lord had helped me to quit after forty two years of smoking. It’s harder this time, that or I am not allowing Him to help me win the victory over it again as I KNOW that He is more than willing to take my one tenth of an effort and supply the other nine tenths with His own enabling power to help me quit again. So I guess I’m what you would call “back in the nicotene saddle” again. But not for too much longer, I pray, for as I said, the Lord is our ever present help in time of need.

God the Refuge of His People:

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah". {Psalm 46}

The nicotine story I believe is relevant as it speaks to the strongholds of addiction in a human beings life. That’s why I spoke of it for I have no doubt that if I will just do my part God will do the rest as He has always done.

I implore you, though I know that only the Holy Spirit can draw a person to Jesus Christ, to think about the things which I have shared with you throughout these installments as they are true facts and my own life is a living testimony of those facts. If you are one who is still suffering under the bondage's and ravages of an addiction....ANY ADDICTION, God is more than able to help you and set you free from all of them.

God will save you if you seek Him. You might not think that you even want Jesus but unless you learn of Him how will you know if you want Him or not?

Jesus said to His disciples:

“But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you. And He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin, and righteousness and judgment concerning sin, because they do not believe in Me; and concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father and you no longer see Me; and concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world-(Satan)- has been judged.” {John 16: 7-11}

I read a reference for the satiated unbeliever that goes like this:

“A person might not be hungry, but if they come into a room where the table is laden with delicious food, seeing the food and smelling the aroma can - and often does - create an appetite. In the same way, a sinner who is separated from God by their sin and therefore are in a lost condition, may not be hungry for the things of God when he, or she, attends a church service; but as the pastor puts the living bread (the Word) before them, through His Word the Holy Spirit creates within that person an appetite for the things of God in the unbelieving heart, the sinner is convicted of their sinfulness and is convinced that the Gospel is good. They are therefore drawn to the table of the Living Bread, they eat, and they live forever!" :)

The truth of the scripture verse in the book of John above does not lessen our personal and individual responsibility as to what we will choose to do with Jesus, however. We must not suppose that Jesus’ doctrine takes away men and women’s responsibility to God for their immortal souls. The passage does not teach “limited atonement”. If men and women die lost and end up spending eternity in hell without Christ it will be because they chose not to accept salvation, not because God willed them to be lost. God wants all people to be saved but that doesn’t mean all people WILL be saved. He gave all of us human beings the gift of free will.

"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance." {2 Peter 3:9}

When you and I appropriate God‘s Son, make Him our own Lord and Savior? Jesus death on the cross makes you and I JUST-IF-IED. “Just as if I'd” never sinned. Just as if you and I had never sinned if we are “in Christ.”

more to come......

Comments 3 comments

whomtheSonsetFree profile image

whomtheSonsetFree 2 years ago from USA Author

I mean "finished" LOL.


whomtheSonsetFree profile image

whomtheSonsetFree 3 years ago from USA Author

Thank you very much Rayne123. Yes, I have said throughout my testimony that Satan is at the root of all addictions. No matter what they are.

About the Cocaine poem? I never found out who it was that sent it to me. It kinda "hit" me...but not enough for I had not reached my "bottom" yet.

Again thank you. I believe one more installment and I will have fished up.


Rayne123 3 years ago

wow that is some story. The poem is awesome.

I believe satan is the culprit here who disguises himself as an angel of light, to have us believe that its the drugs.

Although it is the drugs to a certain extend, the drugs cannot talk to us and tell us to take them, someone in your head does the work for us.

The poem speaks of drugs which in return speaks of evil of course.

Which of course you mention more than once just talking about your life.

Very courageous to share the story. However for the most part it feels good to come to truth. It gives us more power over Satan.

There is a good video you have to see , someone posted it on here, its by a Frances Chan, funny guy, preacher, its called the big lie. I will find it for you and leave you the link.

Your stories are similar to a guy by the name of "X-Con" he tells his experiences with drugs/guns/jails in parts. You must read them and follow him

Once again great hub

Glad to see you have been saved

Laurie

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