"The Promise Fulfilled" ~ Part Three ~

Striving towards the goal

Okay, enough again already with the procrastination, I have a long ways to go. Actually, I first began this venture back in 2006. Having never written anything longer than a letter, or perhaps a journal at one time during my tumultuous past. A journal which was then stolen from me in a mental hospital to which I went for help with my problems and the inability to overcome them on my own.

You see I met a "shrink" there with whom I promptly fell in love because he seemed to care a great deal, personally, about me. He even said he loved me and invited me to move to Florida with him to begin a life in a town in which he and I could live together without rumors flying about as they were certain to do if we attempted any type of public personal relationship in my hometown in Virginia. I felt torn about leaving my home because of parents who always stood by me no matter what. So then it was decided that he would send me airfare to come and visit him often when he moved there to start a new practice.

Anyway, before he left I finally "wised up" and realized I was merely a pawn after discovering he was married, which should have immediately been an obstacle for me. When I found that out for sure I decided that it was once again time that Susan "exit" life and promptly took almost 100 1 mg purple Xanax and drank a fifth of Wild Irish Rose Wine to wash them down.

The only reason I didn't die that time is that God must have moved the heart of a kind man that I had met, who knew of mine and the good Doctor’s affair, (such as it was), to call me just as I was on the verge of losing consciousness. Oh, I was still awake, but my words were so slurring together that he knew I had taken some drastic action. The man's name is Bruce L. and once he heard my words he called the Rescue Squad and another mutual friend in the professional field. The end of that is that God did intervene because here I am still writing to you now. And the shrink? Well, of course he denied it all but there were those who worked in the Doctor's office who noticed our frequent and long lasting appointments who backed my story up. Some of the nurses at the hospital also noticed our little interactions when we were together there.

Naturally they winded up not releasing me after I came out of the coma but remanded me to custody and I was transported to a terrible place in Petersburg, Virginia as I couldn't go back to the hospital I had previously several times been in as Dr. H. was the Director of it. So you see it would have been a case of conflicting interests as he had not yet been investigated by the American Medical and Psychiatric Association Board. So off I was to the crazy farm while he went on with his life, for a time, relatively unhindered. Oh I don't mean to intimate that they did not seek any answers for my allegations against him, it is just when you're a small fish in a shark tank...well...you get the gist. The thing is that I wasn't the only girl he was dilly-dallying with in my city. All of them also tried to take their own lives, but thankfully none of them succeeded.

Where is Dr. David H. now? Well....he went to Florida with his wife and they began life anew in that state again. His medical license was revoked in my city, but it seems that once a psychiatrists license is revoked in one state all they have to do is move to another one. And, in fact, after seven years they can return to that state in which their license had been revoked for the same offense. Which is why he was able to return to Florida to practice once again. Heck! He told me his wife even used to be a patient of his!

Sadly some years after I had last seen him he was killed by an inmate accused of a violent crime in a Florida jail. He was interviewing him to see if he was sane. But he wasn't, and although for the life of me I cannot conceive of how it happened that they let a Doctor be alone with a dangerous criminal who winded up mechanically asphyxiating,(strangling), him. And so he is dead now. Was it painful to recall these things anew to my mind and heart? Yes. And no I am not "happy" about his tragic death. My hope is that somehow, after all his years of struggling with his sexual desires and addictions, he also sought God and found Christ right there at the same cross that I did before he died.

When I first began writing my testimony, or story, I felt at the time, and still do, deeply moved within my spirit that this is what God has called upon me to do. For Him and for you, the addict who still suffers.. So I do so with what I pray will bring to Him the glory and honor that belongs only to Him. God is One and His name is Jehovah. He saved me and set me free through His only Son, Jesus the Christ. Savior of all who will but choose to be saved. Jesus is the only Way. All else are Satanic delusions by some man’s own self-promoting agenda. Who, of course the original source behind these new “revelations” resulting in millions, yes I did say MILLIONS, of cults and Satanic ideologies, is Satan himself. Some of these cults are totalitarian and extremely violent in nature.

I’ve experienced so many false starts. Mainly because it’s still painful to deal with the kind of memories that I created by my own life’s choices. Yet, to explain the desperate measures that I went to within those 36 odd years of addiction I must bring forth those memories in order to share them with whoever may choose to read this. I do so to share with them, with you, of the depths of my own self created hell on earth when I walked through it zombiefied in a stupefied haze of continuous drug and alcohol inebriation.

All of the chemicals left me feeling “dead” inside, hence my reference to zombiefication. I became in that phase of my life’s journey emotionally, physically , mentally, and spiritually dead. After a time I found myself trapped within a heart that had grown so cold, callous and hard from sin that I could not “feel” anything but the compulsion to use again and again. Mixed up with that was this overwhelming urge to use more and more cocaine, and then other drugs and alcohol, in order to come down from the highs that had, in fact, become extreme lows. After about, I don’t know, fifteen to twenty years or so, I began to want to NOT use anymore.

Because of these revelations and things I now have come to believe that Jesus had saved me when I had cried out to Him some years before my own personal recognition and realization of the fact that He had indeed saved me. For it was through His amazing mercy and grace that I am sure there had even begun this struggle inside of me in the first place. After all that terrible, agonizing fight between flesh and spirit didn’t just come “out of the blue."

I think that I will let the Apostle Paul explain this as he was led by the Holy Spirit of God to tell us. There is a conflict between our flesh and our "spirit" once we come to know Jesus as Lord. The Good News though is that the Victory has already been won for us at the Cross! Paul calls it the:

The Conflict of our Two Natures:
"For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, for I am the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God, (God will), through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin."{Romans 7}

Then he goes on to share about the Deliverance from sins bondage for Believers:

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who are according, (walking after or pursuing it's own desires), to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

I know that it indeed is Christ who inspired within me the wanting to NOT use. I have much to share with you, and I will do so. No matter how painful the memories which come shall sometimes be. I feel that I can do it, go through it again by reliving it as I write these words because I think that you are worth it, whoever you may be. God loves you and so do I. He doesn't love us because of who we are or are not, but because of Who He IS.

I do, however, ask of you your forgiveness, your “tolerance” as it were, as I strive onwards toward my goal. Even as I pray that what I am led to write will offer within it encouragement that you too may be strengthened to perhaps begin your own personal struggles against the spiritual enemy of God and man. An enemy that uses the addicted person’s flesh as a prison to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and psychologically torment and torture the addict whose spirit and soul lives within them. One the addict comes to believe is indeed hopeless. Today I am here to tell you that there is Hope, and His name is Jesus Christ.

My motives for writing this blog of my own personal struggles and testimony are, as I have said, twofold. Number One is that it is my sincerest of prayers that through this labor of love that God will be glorified. Secondly, that the still suffering soul may see the Hope that is within their reach. These reasons are precisely the two inspirations that caused me to delve, once again, into the very darkness that once pervaded my heart, mind, body, soul, and yes, my very spirit. I desire to point you to the same Hope who moved me into action before I literally died like I was and wound up in hell. That’s reason enough alone, but that’s not the whole “package” - you see Jesus loves YOU and He came to earth in human flesh to save you and me and to set us free from our individual chains that have so tightly bound us. He came to the earth to offer us an abundant life in every way.

Jesus said:
"I AM the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they (us) may have life, and have it abundantly. I AM the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep". {John 10:9-11}

As for myself I cherish Him above all others, yet I love you guys too. Why? Well...I'm glad you asked that question! :)

"One of the scribes came and heard them arguing, and recognizing that He had answered them well, asked Him, “What commandment is the foremost of all?" Jesus answered, “The foremost is, ‘ Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is one Lord; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘ You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” {Mark 12:28}

Did I answer your question of how I could “possibly” have love for people whom I have neither seen nor know? It is also because I used to be you…sometimes I still am for the battles rage on even though Jesus already gave me the victory over them all. Meaning I do not think myself above any practicing addict…I’m very well aware of all the “icts and isms” involved. No matter under whichever title or stronghold they may fall.

I watched a TV show called Moms the other night and within the story there was a girl who had gotten clean but was only clean for a short amount of time. Her sponsor warned her against dating so soon after rehab and especially dating another addict. But she, like many of us, wouldn't listen. Like all of us she thought she knew better. Well, before the show went off the sponsor of the girl got a phone call telling her that the girl had OD'd on Heroin. That moved me very deeply and I even felt real grief for that character the girl played as I too had led that life. When the show went off a couple members of the cast shared how heroin addiction is rampant now, in fact I believe they said a number one killer. They also shared that there are at least 120 OD's everyday that result in death. I am sure there are many more than that number who die every single day because all they wanted to do was get high and escape whatever their troubles were. By the time they had finished speaking I was sobbing aloud, shoulders shaking, for all those wasted lives. And as I always do, I wondered just how many may have ever known Jesus as Lord. I always wonder that when I hear of someone dying because if the person who died, died without Christ that means they are right now in a literal hell. That breaks my heart because once death is final there is no return to accept Jesus then......it is eternally too late.



more to come....

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