What your dreams really mean

Crassnsilly is a qualified dream interpreter, with a proper qualification from the Cambridge University Academy of Dream Interpreting. What follows is real science, and not just made up nonsense.

We all dream, even people who have no imagination. Our dreams are important, because they give an insight into just who we are, just who we might become and, indeed, why. Here are some common dream sceniario-type situations which have commonly occurred in the dreams of common people and as well those others who are.

Flying

When we dream of flying, we are experiencing an unconscious wish to be a fly. This is a phenomenon which we do not understand in our waking lives, but is only manifested when we are in what we scientists call dreamyland. Flies are free to fly (hence the name) around and eat mouldy food or dog gifts or dead bodies, things we all subconsciously long to do but, due to social constraints, cannot. So we can see that dreaming of flying is a manifestation of the wish to get up in the middle of the night and explore the kitchen bin with your tongue. Admit it, we've all done that, haven't we?

Also, dreaming of flying can involve aeroplanes, which are dangerous. Being a fly, your only dangers are spiders and tea towels swished at you, but as we all know, flies can enter a fifth dimension and teleport out of the other side whenever they feel like it, when they see a tea towel approaching. Why they fall for the spiders' sticky-trickiness has not yet been discovered by us scientists.

Being naked

Qualified dream interpreters like myself come across this dream scenario time and time again. When common people dream about being naked, in a job interview or in the supermarket or in a tasteful video, they are manifesting a desire to participate in a nude-type situation. This is more often than not caused by guilt from not showering regularly enough or wearing the same underwear for a week. Ugh! You disgust me.

Falling

The higher they fly, the further they have to fall. This is a well-known saying used by scientists such as me. Dreaming of falling a great height implies a desire to be really high in the first place. And also a desire to fall. But fall where? And into what. To fall in love. To fall into a spiral of drink, followed by drugs, followed by predators of all three sexes, followed by pottery classes, then on to pretending that you can tell a 'good' wine from a 'lower' one. Your pretentious fool. Don't you realise that everyone can see through you? Go back to sleep.

Dreaming about goats always has the specific meaning that you have either been a goat in a former life, or will return in a future life, after an unfortunate goat-related accident, as a goat. Is that clear? This is science, and cannot be refuted.

Running along when my feet don't touch the ground, being at school and my clothes fall off, being in stressful situations – my dreams are always the run-of-the-mill stuff that everyone else has. Why, oh why, crassnsilly, can't I have interesting dreams like your other clients/patients have?

crassnsilly replies:

I must, as a scientist, be entirely frank with you, although my name is not Frank. You are a boring person, but only when judged against others. Go out and find some people who are even more boring and self-obsessed than what you are: this will boost your self-esteem, and you will soon begin to dream of running along in more colourful shoes, or being naked in a school that has a really state-of-the-art IT suite. Simple.