Will Your Baby Be A Serial Killer? Astrology May Hold The Key...

After combing through the top 217 known serial killers listed on Wikipedia and ranking them by the number of each born under each Astrological Sun Sign, it's clear that Capricorns are the Devil, and though stubborn—Tauruses are delightful little angels. Everyone else falls somewhere in between, but I suggest you keep an eye on your Pisces, Aries, and Aquarian friends and family members. They may just be serial killers. Or at least serial jerks.

Aside from the obvious fact that Capricorns hold the top spot in the serial killer world by quite a margin over up-and-comers Pisces, it's also interesting to see that the number of the highest (Capricorn at 27) is more than double that of the lowest (Taurus at only 12). That's quite a substantial divide between the Goat (Capricorn) and the Bull (Taurus). Perhaps it means nothing, but consider this: throughout history mankind has associated Bulls with positive attributes like strength, virility, and the upward movement of financial markets, while goats have been associated with evil, ritual sacrifice, and the devil. Hmmm...

Who's The Wickedest Of All?

As you can see from the chart below, when the top 50 worst serial killers of all time are ranked by their Astrological sun signs, Capricorns again hold the top spot as the most brutal serial killers as well (The top 50 were ranked in order of body count, then divided into 12 groups based on sun signs. The numbers in the chart below represent how many of the top 50 most brutal serial killers of all time were born under each sun sign. IE- Out of the top 50, 10 were Capricorns).

But then things change a bit. As you can see, though they aren't the most prolific sun signs in the world of serial killers, when Scorpios go bad, they go REALLY bad—taking the #2 spot over the more “popular” Pisces, Aries, and Aquarius Sun Signs from the last chart.

Also noteworthy is just how big of wimps Cancers are when they go the serial killer route. Cancers are known for being emotional and nostalgic. They love spending time in the past, so perhaps endlessly paging through old photo albums is how they kill their victims.

So Which Birth Months Are The Worst (And Best?)

Since each zodiac sign spans the midpoint between two months, the best and worst birth months are not as cut-and-dry as the above charts might seem to indicate. Clearly the birth month that Capricorns and Aquarius share—two of the top 4 sun signs for serial killers—is the worst month of the year to be born. If you give birth in January, you have the highest chance of having serial killer babies. In fact, if you give birth in January, you are probably a terrible person who's trying to have serial killer babies on purpose. You scum!

On a positive note, if you give birth in August, September, June, or October—you're probably not going to have too many serial killer babies—maybe only 1 or 2. Just beware the October Scorpios because although they aren't likely to become serial killers, if they do—they'll likely be some of the worst killer babies out there.

One last note is that August is the safest month to give birth primarily because Virgos are too brainy and idealistic to bother killing people and proud, loyal Leos are unlikely to be killers, though if they ever go that way you can be sure they'll kill with real style and charisma (and only the finest of weapons).

So, When Should We Conceive To Ensure Non-Killer Babies?

As you can see in the chart below, assuming a normal 9 month pregnancy, the top 4 months to conceive are November, December, September, and January. Take advantage of that extra time between the sheets during winter and make some Holiday babies. If you don't, you may just end up with the dreaded April babies which are basically all hell spawn sent to Earth to kill every man, woman, and child they can get their hands on. Or something along those lines. June and July are obviously out as well because they're just so damned hot. Spend more time outside and stop pestering your significant other for a change—you might just avoid unleashing hell upon poor unsuspecting victims 18-30 years in the future.

What comes as no surprise at all is that February is also one of the 4 worst months to conceive. The month of Valentine's day is clearly the most evil month of the year and those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate don't do anything to repair the damage of February nookie which inevitably leads to serial killers being born to wreak their havoc upon the unsuspecting. And all because their parents were lonely drunk losers who couldn't handle being alone on a made-up candy-marketing holiday because of peer pressure. You've been warned!

A Note From The Author

Although this article was written for humor, all of the data are real and took over 15 hours to collect, compile, organize and chart. And for the record, I'm very good friends with a couple of Capricorns, and they haven't killed me (yet). :-)

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