Hello HP forum users! The Devil has noticed all of your efforts to persecute the loving, rational Christians that God has sent to spread his "word" on an internet writer's site, in the hidden forums, to approximately 50 active participants. He would be remiss not to acknowledge his loyal follower's good work and dedication. As such, he has established the Satan Incarnate Club. Membership is automatic upon fulfillment of each condition. The benefits can be found below:
Levels of Membership
Platinum: You have actually been called Satan, The Devil, Anti-Christ, Satan Reincarnate or Satan in the flesh.
This is our highest level of membership. Congratulations on your efforts, you can feel satisfied knowing your hard work has been rewarded. You are now a member with full benefits.
-Unlimited use of the Pentagram Room -Three Major Animal Sacrifices (Cow, Horse, Ox, Goat, Spring Lamb) per week. Such offerings will be burnt to your specification. -13 Minions (To be tattooed with your mark on their forehead) -Every Judas Priest and Black Sabbath album ever made, pre-loaded on a limited edition blood red iPod. -A belt of infant skulls. -Barrack Obama -1000 shares of MSN stock
You have been called the Spawn of Satan, The Son of Satan, The Hand of Satan, or The Devil's Bride.
Congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming Satan himself. Your contributions to the club are impressive. Your work for the Dark Lord deserves recognition.
Benefits: -A new Prius -Two Minor Animals Sacrifices (Chicken, Cat, Sheep, Pig, Dog) per week. These will be burnt to the sacrificer's discretion, but the Chicken comes in either pineapple or Caribbean jerk. -Two members of Congress (Democrat) -Your choice of either the "Queen's Greatest Hits" or "Led Zeppelins Greatest Hits" box set preloaded on a jet black iPod. -7 minions, tattooed with your mark as either a shoulder tattoo or tasteful sleeve. -Unlimited supply of Jack Daniels. -500 shares of Huffington Post Stock.
You have been told that you do Satan's work, that you are Devil worshiper, that you are possessed by Satan, that you are Satan's pawn or that you are just plain evil.
Good work! The Satan Incarnate Club recognizes your potential and feels you should be rewarded. We have our eye on you and know you will be moving up the ranks shortly.
Benefits: -Nancy Pelosi -Two Abortion Doctors, under your complete control. -The Best of Tesla, on CD -One minion, with a tramp-stamp -Two Animal Sacrifices, in the form of chicken nuggets, per month. -Darwin's "Origin of Species", e-book -A tropical fruit basket -10 free iced coffees from Starbucks
Thank you again for all your hard work. Your membership packets will be arriving shortly. Just a reminder, the first 100 new referrals get a "Satan Rocks" T-shirt, so spread the word.
But I already have all those things, including every Judas Priest and Black Sabbath album ever made. I picked up these things as a teenager. I have to say that while Black Sabbath fought hard against their Satan worshiping fans and their lyrics were pro God.
"Your world was made for you by someone above But you chose evil ways instead of love You made me master of the world where you exist The soul I took from you was not even missed"
"Could it be you're afraid of what your friends might say If they knew you believe in God above? They should realize before they criticize that God is the only way to love"
I can't say the same for Judas Priest, that was mostly about anger and revenge which connected with many teenagers at that time.
As for the Sacrifices, I covered them all in last nights BBQ.
Woots! Gold and Silver here! Especially Silver....I'm Pagan so, yeah...like a glove! I simply cannot wait to get my benefits. The Jack Daniels and Starbucks makes me giddy, although not together, of course
That's awesome, you're such a peach Yes, great idea. A new tramp stamp is definitely in order to commemorate this momentous occasion...tramp stamps all around! And while gettin' branded, we can sip on Jack and sing along to Tesla's greatest hits! I'm so excited! Good times, good times....
Well dang it! If I had foreseen this outstanding offer back in my youth, I could have saved hundreds of $$ on the Black Sabbath collection. And my freezer is jam-packed with chicken nuggets already. Sigh.
Why the Hell can we get no one to take Nancy Pelosi?
Fortunately for you Wilderness, I can promote you right now. Based only on my whim. Originally, only "True" Christians could assign rank in The Satan Incarnate Club. Unfortunately, we took a poll of over 2 billion Christians and we determined that each one was the only "True" Christian. The paperwork is a nightmare. A last-man standing fight to the death will determine the actual "True Christian", but that's not until Christmas 2015.
In the interim, any contender to the title can assign new members and change ranks. So it is with great pleasure that I grant you the title of Satan Incarnate.
awww, you could have come to our wedding, Wilderness.
Melissa, my wife is too well liked by her christian friends, and not active in internet forums where god has obviously called all his "true" prophets to insult others to be called satan herself. If I call her satan in a dirty way, does that count? She wants to know if being called Bacchus counts, since it's another horned god.
Oh! But she DOES tell me that I'm the devil all of the time. I AM a platinum member.
Sorry Beth, you can't have Nancy Pelosi no matter how much corny Christian pop you post. Don't worry though, to be in the club all you have to do is disagree with one of the other "True" Christians. They will nominate you immediately. If you disagree on anything big with them... you might even make Platinum!
I've written three Hubs about Judas Priest, one about Black Sabbath, *and* I've reviewed a whole mess of horror movies, including at least one with the word "Hell" right in the title. Where would that put me in the Satanic echelon??
FatFreddy, you and I can form OUR OWN CLUB, how 'bout that! I also wrote hubs on horror movies, the dark, and several on the sign Scorpio. I also written some horror fiction. Freddy, let's skip this and form our own infernal club!
1. Yes. 2. Not here on this site, anyway. Though I have been asked "do you worship Satan?" or "you still listen to that Devil music at your age?" more than once in my life. ...oh, and I was once asked to leave a church confirmation class because I was wearing a Motley Crue concert t-shirt. True story!!
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