A God shet 'Goodbye to Atheism' thread, session 1

1. 59

   God shetposted 8 years ago

   Official Atheist Certification Program 2016 is Now Open! 
   
   
   You may fancy you're a certified atheist - guess what - you're not. It's a Belgian standardization company under a contract from the UN humanitarian wing, which operates the program.
   
   Without this international certification, you're no good as an atheist - can't get any job, dude! Get real, in the current global economy, it's extremely tough to cut a substantial monthly income as a professional atheist - and - without your certificates - you can be, at most, as much good as a local freelance atheist, nothing more.
   
   
   
   2016 opens up a whole new world of opportunities: the Belgian group has recently accessed a bunch of franchisee branches worldwide, and no one is required, from now on, to spend all those 11 years studying in Belgium to get the official stamp on themselves.
   
   The procedure is quite easy, however: Apply online. Sit for a written test. Appear for an interview, in person. You must assure the board that you are, indeed, something of a born atheist, and that atheism is your mission in life. You must be a vegetarian, must be a logic freak, a computer savvy gentleman with an all-engulfing compassion for all sentient lifeforms. Then you must undergo several ECG and MRI scans - so that the board can check the size of your heart, and its purity.
   
   
   
   For the next 11 years, you must go through a fiery training-regime built and designed to make you an intellectual atheist warrior, so that you may save humanity from their obvious destruction. The regime includes special classes conducted by Richard Dawkins and others; a 6 hours long daily bootcamp training of mandatory forum discussion participation campaign; a 3 hours long sentience boost schedule of spending time with lion, tiger and panda cubs; a daily meal of strict vegetarian diet and a transcendental medication camp with Deepak Chopra after every six months. There is more, you know.
   
   After you successfully complete all these - then - and only then, my friends - you can count yourself to be a legitimate atheist.   Best of luck!

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