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a religious joke

  1. Drax profile image76
    Draxposted 9 years ago

    I read the intro and all that and have lived through a religious war and lost god along the way I would never wish to see any hate type posts here... BUT sometimes people take religion too seriously. I came across this joke which I thought would only offend a few....  *grins*

    ===

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop!

    Don't do it!"

    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

    I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

    "Religious."

    "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

    "Christian."

    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

    "Protestant."

    "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

    "Baptist."

    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God."

    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

    To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

    ===
    Regards
    Drax

    1. profile image0
      sandra rinckposted 9 years ago in reply to this
      1. Inspirepub profile image86
        Inspirepubposted 9 years ago in reply to this

        This would be hysterically funny if my mother's family weren't Baptist ...

        Jenny

    2. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      Hahahahahahh
      loved it.
      Poet Mohit.K.Misra

    3. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      Adding on to it.
      There is a priest whos village gets flooded.There reaches a stage where he has to sit on his roof as the water level has drastically encreased and most have evacuated the village.The boat comes once again and the boatman asks him to get in to which he replies "My lord will save me."
      Soon the water reaches his neck and the boat comes again and once more he refuses to get in saying "the lord will save me." Well it rains more and the water level rises over his neck and he dies
      .In heaven he asks god"Why didnt you save me?"
      God answers-"My son I sent the boat three times."

      Poet Mohit.K.Misra

  2. profile image0
    Iðunnposted 9 years ago

    lolz, d

  3. jimmythejock profile image84
    jimmythejockposted 9 years ago

    nice!.....jimmy

  4. Misha profile image75
    Mishaposted 9 years ago

    LOL, thanks smile

  5. BartholomewKlick profile image81
    BartholomewKlickposted 9 years ago

    Wow.

  6. Prince Maak profile image79
    Prince Maakposted 9 years ago

    lolz.

  7. Peter M. Lopez profile image92
    Peter M. Lopezposted 9 years ago

    LOL smile

  8. Stacie Naczelnik profile image88
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 9 years ago

    Fabulous! lol

  9. In The Doghouse profile image94
    In The Doghouseposted 9 years ago

    Too funny!

  10. LdsNana-AskMormon profile image91
    LdsNana-AskMormonposted 9 years ago

    You just HAD to cross the line...  Didn't yOU! lol

    tDMg

    LdsNana

  11. Blaine561 profile image60
    Blaine561posted 9 years ago

    In 1976 they held a Christian Conference in Dallas, for 276 different denomination of christanity, this joke rings that so true.  A question and maybe this should be another topic, I'm new here so please excuse me, but why don't people just be nice to each other, God or no God?

    Why do people, in the name of religion, take a passage from their religious book and hold that little part to be the absolute truth?  Even in it's creation, the Bible is not a complete book.  Why can't we just laugh off our differences and get on with making this planet a better place to live?

    Thanks for the joke, and thanks for posting it.

    Blaine561

    1. Inspirepub profile image86
      Inspirepubposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      "The Denial of Death" by Becker, gives a very clear description of the psychological processes that make people get so attached to beliefs, to the point where they will kill other people over them.

      He covers nationalism and religionism, and a few other examples.

      Jenny

      1. profile image0
        sandra rinckposted 9 years ago in reply to this

        Blaine561

        "The Denial of Death" by Becker, gives a very clear description of the psychological processes that make people get so attached to beliefs, to the point where they will kill other people over them.

        He covers nationalism and religionism, and a few other examples.

        Jenny

        you should start a forum on that.

  12. robie2 profile image94
    robie2posted 9 years ago in reply to this

    Amen !

  • RFox profile image81
    RFoxposted 9 years ago

    hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha......wait, words don't do it justice....
    http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/24.gif
    http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/rotflmao.gif
    http://www.freewebby.com/happy-smilies/lol2.gif

  • Inspirepub profile image86
    Inspirepubposted 9 years ago

    If you want to pull it out, by all means post a new thread.

    It might be a dull conversation, though if not many people have read the book ...

    Jenny

    1. profile image0
      sandra rinckposted 9 years ago in reply to this

        ugg.  I have done so much reading lately I just want a quick over view.  tongue

      1. Inspirepub profile image86
        Inspirepubposted 9 years ago in reply to this

        Quick overview of the thesis in "The Denial of Death":

        Animals, including humans, get a surge of adrenaline (fear) when they think their lives are in danger (the fight or flight response).

        Humans have a high enough cognitive capacity to know that they are inevitably going to die.

        It is not possible to live with the contsant fear that knowledge generates.

        So we deny the reality of our own death.

        We do this by identifying with a symbol (a nation, a religion, an idea like democracy or communism, our Great American Novel, etc), and then we can convince ourselves that as long as the symbol survives, we haven't really died. This reduces our anxiety.

        Any apparent threat to the symbol re-awakens our mortal fear, which is why we react so violently emotionally to things like people burning the flag, etc.

        Paradoxically, we often become willing to give our lives for the symbol, because it represents our immortality. Most directly, of course, when the symbol involves a story about our eternal soul, but even "giving one's life for one's country" involves an often-explicit promise of immortality:

        They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old,
        Age shall not weary them, or the years condemn,
        But in the going down of the sun, and in the morning,
        We shall remember them.
        Lest we forget.

        Jenny

        P.S. It's an academic text full of actual experiments, natural and laboratory, and their results, plus a detailed description of the psychoanalytic processes at work. This is just a really, really, high level overview.

        1. profile image0
          Zarm Nefilinposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          What would you do if you were in a country where a dictatorship took over and you wanted your old way of life back?  Would you fight knowing you might die or risk crossing the border knowing you might die or get thrown in a camp?

          If you answer no that you wouldn't or that you would just wait it out, then you would be fine on some level with the various forms of slavery that arise out of dictatorship and you would not hesitate to submit, even if you ended up dead anyway due to paranoia of the people in power.  You would submit to fear in the sense that you would just keep living your life as your options continued to get smaller and smaller and your choices more and more restricted. 

          If however you would organize something, even if it was only peaceful protest (in which case you could still be killed), then I would not call that achieving immortality.  I would call it weighing risk and wanting something, and then doing what you think it would take to get the life you wanted back.  You would still be submitting to fear, but you would be redirecting it into anger and hatred and using that to attempt to overcome and destroy with the idea of rebuilding with an eye towards that which you once had.

          I understand what this guy is writing, but I fail to see how dieing for something like "democracy" is going to make me anything other than dead.  However, death is not a given necessarily in any given struggle, as one might come out on top and overthrow a regime in one's own country that is autocratic in nature.

          Dying for a symbol is stupid, it won't bring immortality, there is no such thing as immortality.

          However as any WWII soldier who survived could tell you, it just might bring about positive change and more freedom...

  • RFox profile image81
    RFoxposted 9 years ago

    Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic suffering from insomnia?

    He was up all night contemplating the existence of DOG. wink

  • Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago

    Speaking of religious jokes, here is one:

    Very Funny Religious Joke

    big_smile

    And here is some poetry to rival Vogon poetry (the second worst in the universe)

    The Third Worst Poetry in the Universe

    big_smile big_smile

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      Mark failed to understand Christ or Christianity,
      To justify his ignorance he refutes god arrogantly.
      No knowledge of god or religion,
      What are you doing on this forum?

      Poet Mohit.K.Misra

      1. Mark Knowles profile image60
        Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago in reply to this

        Aw, now I am all confused smile





        I can't decide if I am evolved, ignorant, intelligent or what.

        I have left out the more obvious insults.

        "Roses are red, Violets are blue,
        This is proof that god loves you."

        Saint Mark, Poet and prophet of Roddenberry, Enlightened/evolved being, Ignorant fool and more.........

        1. rmr profile image87
          rmrposted 9 years ago in reply to this

          Whatever else you may be, Mark, You are definitely funny. You can approach the most serious of subjects with a sense of humor, and I, for one, love it. Keep posting, and I will go back to just lurking in this forum.

        2. mohitmisra profile image60
          mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          I was being nice to you,it went to your head and you started jumping on my head so I had to put you in your place.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 9 years ago

    Mohit, stop being such a jerk.  Enlightened people don't behave the way you do.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      Answering questions better than anyone else.I do not like being insulted for no reason when I work to spread god knowledge and help uplift humanity.
      Poet Mohit.K.Misra

  • Misha profile image75
    Mishaposted 9 years ago

    I think I had enough of his arrogant posts. I suggest we just ignore him from now on. I will. smile

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      Misha like some others just cannot understand the question,
      How dare anyone answer with poetry and precision.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 9 years ago

    Insulting everyone you come across who tries to plainly speak to you is not uplifting humanity.

    It's being a jerk.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 9 years ago in reply to this

      plainly speak to you ,what a joke.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    You know, for a guy whose sole purpose in being on Hubpages is to sell poetry that looks like a grade schooler wrote it, you sure are a pompous jerk.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Have a cold drink you need to cool down.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    I'm chilled, just ask Mark or Misha.  They've seen me bust a cork at spammers with the nerve to come back and justify their words.

    Seriously, you're only on Hubpages to promote your book and try and get it sold.  That's pretty cruddy in my book.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      You do not seem chilled to me ,you seem very very aggresive

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    You still seem pompous and self-absorbed.  big_smile big_smile big_smile

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      I cannot force you to appreciate truth,it has to come from within.

      1. rmr profile image87
        rmrposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        I believe she stated the truth, quite eloquently.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    Okay, I'll buy the book you're shamelessly promoting.  Would you consider that a "recognition of the truth?"

    Just a question.. I got an email the other day from a Mrs. Abeleia Misra wanting to split 40,000,000 USD with me if I came to some place to sign as her late husband's next of kin.  Is this lady related to you?

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      If you want to read my book I can gift you an ebook.

      My grandfather was the Collector of Allahabad.My father the Harbour Master of Mumbai Port Trust.An uncle the advisor to the President of India,another ther senior most Director General of Police in India.My mother side we own and run a Agyari or Parsee fire temple in Mumbai.I have a reputation to protect.Sorry but I am not a thief.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    And you, Mohit, are a spammer. smile  Are you the Director of Indian International Spam Relations?

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      When and if you become a poet you will understand I spread knowledge and love in my poems.
      You are very,very aggresive-go take a cold shower or get a life.

      1. mohitmisra profile image60
        mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        a poem for you CONTEMPLATE ON IT


        DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION


        Some people are so desperate for attention,
        They try to get it at the cost of your cremation.

        Why can’t they remain humble and free?
        They pull you down in front of the world to see.

        They don’t look so good and are not too amusing,
        An insult from them is not bemusing.

        The magic in them is so clear,
        It all goes when they show such fear.

        They are fooling themselves is what it is,
        Never mind it is all going to end in bliss.

        Make peace with yourself is what they say,
        I have my friend when will you do I pray.

        These desperate acts are so embarrassing
        Do you understand the word called harassing?

        The seeds in the garden some day must grow,
        Everything is all right is what I want you to know.

        1. rmr profile image87
          rmrposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          Judging by this poem, I am inclined to ask if you are old enough to have a hubpages account, or if you are using someone else's account.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    LOL

    Mohit, you're not very observant.

    I have about half a dozen poems published here on Hubpages.  I have earned awards for my poetry from three different websites, as well as one live poetry reading contest. 

    You're just posting stuff from your ebook.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Ah so you are jealous,now I understand.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    Why would I be jealous of you?  Other than your obvious obliviousness to your own shameless self-promotion, the only thing you've done is toot your own horn and show rankings on a website with so few visitors it doesn't even have an Alexa rank narrowed down to a very specific category.

    Hardly anything to be jealous about, realistically speaking.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Are you talking about my blog,just started it.wow you looked up alexa rankings I myself havent.
      Did you also see Ponder Awhile is ranked 1 for 2006 in poetry books or did you miss that intentionally.Its ok you can never be as good as me,few have dont feel so bad.Life goes on.

      1. mohitmisra profile image60
        mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        I never wanted to become a poet,cannot help it the universe has other plans,it wants my book to be no1 ,you need to argue with the universe not me.

      2. profile image0
        sandra rinckposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        Mohit, stop it.  Your not being very nice.  smile

        1. mohitmisra profile image60
          mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          ok since you say it.

  • gamergirl profile image61
    gamergirlposted 8 years ago

    LOL!!!

    I didn't have to "look" anything up.  I don't care that a site with less traffic than most privately owned blogs ranked your book of poems number one.  It likely did so because your book is spammed about enough that it got more traffic than the established and world-renowned poets also featured on the site.

    Didn't you say something about being homeless and trying to make a living off your book?  If so, how is it you're on the computer all day long?

    You don't read English that well, so I'll give you a break, but cripes you're self-absorbed.

    Are you trying to get someone out there to say "Oh yes, Mohit is the most awesome poet ever?"

    Someone who isn't related to or friends with you?

    Keep trying.

  • Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 8 years ago

    Well I ranked his poetry number 3

    The third worst poetry in the Universe

    This competes with Vogon poetry

    For the third place slot.

    "Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, but the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Luckily it was destroyed when the earth was."


    And here is a classic example of Vogon poetry:

    "Oh freddled gruntbuggling,
    Thy nacturations are to me
    As plurdled grabbleblotchits
    On a lurgid bee.
    Groop, I implore thee, my footing turlingdromes
    And hooptiously drangle me
    With crinkly binglewurgles,
    For otherwise, I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don't!"

    Is it just me, or is there some disturbing similarities? big_smile

    Except for the lack of rhyming? Which is a good thing.

    1. mohitmisra profile image60
      mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Are you a physcic ,your intuition is not bad its just the other way round,been ranked at 3 from the top;)

      1. Paraglider profile image90
        Paragliderposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        Hi Everyone - be very afraid - Mohit is back, ranking with the highest in Rome, or something wink

        1. mohitmisra profile image60
          mohitmisraposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          You feeling left out,? wasnt addressing you.

          1. Paraglider profile image90
            Paragliderposted 8 years ago in reply to this

            Me? No, not at all. Thanks wink

  • profile image0
    DaMaGeD_GooDzposted 8 years ago

    LOLOLOL! That's hilarious!!! I so have to email that to my friends! LOL!

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