A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10... .’
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
It seems to be harder to be clean and funny.
But when you can do it, it is 5 times as funny.
Also, any age can come to your show.
The Pope Wants to Drive...
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
I thought I'd heard them all - living in a predominately Catholic town as I do but this one is new for me - and brought me to loud laughs (which is rare) THANKS!
Good ones atomswifey. Here's a couple more.
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a priest when I grow up.
"That's wonderful," his mother said, "But what made you decide to be a priest?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most favorite psalms in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.
One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
I think this was me.
A little boy was playing one evening with his mother's broom, pretending it was a horse. When it was time for him to come in, he left the broom outside. When the mother realized that he had done this she told him to go and get it in.
"But it's dark outside," the little boy protested. "I'm scared to go out."
His mother smiled and said, "Don't be afraid. Jesus is out there too."
The little boy brightened. He opened the back door a little, peeked out and shouted, "Jesus, can you please hand me the broom."
Q. Why did Adam think the day was so long?
A. Because there was no Eve!
I love it, these are cool.
No Jesus - No Love. Know Jesus - Know Love
Not really a joke, but a true story, as told me by my jeweler friend in Glasgow:
A rough looking teenage girl came into my shop saying - I want to buy a cross. Thinking she wouldn't have a lot to spend, I offered her a plain silver cross.
- Naw, no like that!
So I offered her a plain gold cross.
- Naw, no like that either!
So I offered her a Celtic Iona style cross.
- Naw, that's no use either!
Stumped, I asked what kind of cross she wanted.
- Huv ye no got one with that wee mannie on it?
"That wee mannie" - how have the mighty fallen
Two young boys were caught smoking behind the church when they were supposed to be in Sunday school.
The pastor decided to scare them with the thought that Jesus is always watching them and sees everything they do.
he called the first one into his office, and trying to make his point said "do you know where Jesus is?" and to make the little bugger sweat he sent him out to think about it and told him to send his pal in. as they passed each other in the hall the other kid asked how it went... so the first kid said: " its worse than we thought, Jesus is missing and pastor thinks we did it!"
I thought that was going to be a nasty one Lee but it was pretty good.
Paraglider the rough looking teenage girl from Glasgow was looking in the wrong place for a Crucifix.
I love this line marcofratelli.
almost sounds like a challenge there MM...
two nuns are driving through Transylvania on a dark and stormy night. As they drive past a great big mansion, suddenly out of nowhere a dwarf vampire jumps onto the car bonnet and flares his teeth at the nuns. Of course the are shocked and the nun on the passenger seat shrieks to the other "sister Agatha, swerve a few times, maybe he'll fall off!" Sister A swerves dangerously but the dwarf vampire is clinging on to the windshield wipers... "turn on the wipes sister Agatha!" screams sister Beatrice--- this also does not help, "slam on the breaks sister Agatha!" again, the dwarf is hanging on growling at the two sisters when finally sister Agatha said to sister Beatrice: " He's a vampire, show him your cross!"
whereupon sister B rolls down the car window and yells at the vampire: "get off the *§$%% car you little §%&"§$!!!"
That's funny. Good one Lee. No it wasn't meant to be a challenge.
Honk if you love Jesus!
LOL love this joke it is so cute
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
OK I seen this and had to post it!! LOL LOL
might be a bit bad but it is soooo funny
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
what's the difference between god and a doctor?
God does not think he's a doctor!
Very funny thread. Mine's a short one.
In which chapter of the Bible does God make tea?
Answer - Hebrews
The Lords way of getting even with us when the need arises.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished.. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A Catholic priest, pastor and a rabbi decide are walking along on a very hot day... talking about scripture and doing what humble and spirutual men do.
Eventually though they all start to feel very hot and somehow realize that they have to do something about it. Each of them prayed for relief, and what do you know, they see a nice inviting lake. Unfortunately, of course none of them had any bathing clothes with them, so they started debating whether god would mind if they go skinny dipping. After much quoting from the scriptures, they eventually decide that it would be ok, so they toss off the rags and go for a nice relaxing and coooling swim.
After about half an hour, they looked up to see a large group of people standing on the banks. Ashamed, the Priest covered his privates and ran to the clothes... next the pastor covered his shame and jolted to where their clothing lay.... last the rabbi... covering his face ran to where they disrobed. Amazed at this the other two asked why the rabbi opted to cover his face in stead of his privates... and the rabbi said: "vell I doon knoww about you twoo, but in my synagogue zat vould be ze part zey recognize!"
This is cool. It seems to be bringing the best out in everyone.
Kids ideas of angels
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. ~~~Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. ~~~Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. ~~~Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. ~~~Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. ~~~Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! ~~~Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. ~~~Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. ~~~Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. ~~~Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. ~~~Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. ~~~ Lynn , 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. ~~~Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. ~~~ Sarah, 7
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. ~~~Daniel, 9
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
At that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father and I know what's best!" God replied. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did TOO!" Adam then rounded on the Father. "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God decided to discipline them by giving them children of their own. And He created adolescence.
"Having had it with the two of them, God decided to discipline them by giving them children of their own. And He created adolescence."
Hurrying home from work one day, a gentleman steps off the curb on a busy New York street and is hit by a passing car. A policeman across the street sees the accident and rushes to the man's aid. While checking the man for injuries, he discovers a religious medal with the inscription, "I am a Catholic, in case of accident, please call a priest."
Looking up at the gathering crowd, he asks the assembled people "Is anyone here a priest?" No one responds.
The crowd grows. Again he repeats his question, again no response.
With the injured man lapsing in and out of consciousness he tries one last time. With growing impatience he asks, "Is anybody a priest ... or even a Catholic ... can anybody help this man?"
Finally one old man steps forward. "I am not a Catholic," he says, but I live only a house away from Our Lady of the Angels Catholic Church in Brooklyn, and on summer nights, I hear the words of their service. Maybe I can offer this poor man some comfort.
Realizing the injured man is gravely hurt, he agrees and the old man bends over the man lying in the street, folds his hands reverently, and says... B, 4 ... I, 19 ... N, 32 ........
Children’s Letter to God
Dear God, We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. Did he steal your idea?
A Leg up on Theft
When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.
Consensus.. or Nonsensus?
Definition of a committee: A group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decides that nothing can be done.
It’s not up to me!
A weary elevator operator at a department store had patiently answered shoppers’ questions all day. Just before closing, a voice from the rear of the crowded car piped up, “Suppose the elevator cables broke, would we go up or down?”
The operator’s patience finally gave way. “That,” he answered, “depends entirely on the kind of life you’ve been living.”
Dying by the book
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
Doesn't anyone else have some good clean jokes?
Remember 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Conversation between God and Adam…
God: Yes my beloved!
Adam: I want to thank you for all the fruits to eat and all the animals for company.
God: It is all for you because I love you!
Adam: I specially want to thank you for Eve.
God: I made her to be by your side and be your best companion!
Adam: You made her so beautiful and sweet.
God: So you can love her!
Adam: But I want to know something…
God: What is it?
Adam: Why did you make her so dumb?
God: So she could love you…
A simple test - what is the name of God’s Son? Sadly, this is about all some people know about Jesus, God's Son ...
One night, a clown dreamed that he had died and gone to Heaven. When he approached the Pearly Gates, he met Saint Peter who told the poor clown, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”
The clown, who never did well at tests, panicked: “Oh no! Not a test! Is it multiple choice?”
Saint Peter said, “Do not worry; the test is very easy. All you have to do is tell me the name of God’s Son.”
The clown thought for a moment, and replied, “Andy!”
“Andy? Why do you say Andy?” asked Saint Peter.
The clown started to sing, “Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me...”
A young girl from a very small town did a postal degree as a teacher.
After getting her diploma to teach she started looking for a job. Since her town was so small, no more teachers were needed there so she applied for a job in the city. She eventually got work at a middle school and started off into her new life.
She was amazed when she got into town by all the bright lights and things she had never seen before, but she had little time so she went straight to school for her first day of work.
She was introduced to the head master and he took her to her class room... it was still early in the day and the head master told her to just get used to her empty classroom for a while, he'd be right back. Head master went back to his office to make a phone call, after which he realized that it was getting late and the kids would come in to school soon, so he decided to call the new teacher to his office in stead of going to her...
He took the microphone and spoke over the two way intercom system.. "Miss Smith?" , she looked up startled, not knowing where the voice was coming from.... the head master again "Miss Smith?!".... again, she could not figure it out... and a third time "Miss Smith, are you there?!??" ... whereupon she fell to her knees and said:"Speak Lord, your servant is listening!"
Great thread, Mike - not really Christian humour, but clean
A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Two small boys gazing at a laden apple tree:
"Let's climb the fence and nick a few apples"
- "No, we might get caught"
"C'mon, mobody will see us"
- "But God will see us"
"But he'll no' tell"
TOP SECRET CATHOLIC INFORMATION
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy).
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
Sandra sent me this the other day in an e-mail. It's not Christian humour but I think it's hilarious. I couldn't edit any of these cause it would have taken away from the humour.
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me ?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male .
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral ...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Two nuns petitioned the Mother Superior to paint their common cell. The Mother Superior agreed on the condition that they did not harm their habits. As the nuns began to paint, it became clear that it would be futile if they attempted to paint while in their habits. For, one of the nuns said to the other, "O, Sister, there is no way we can do this without ruining our habits. What shall we do?"
They agreed that stripping was the only option. And so they did, and then painted the cell over the next couple hours. Then, around when they finished, there was a knock at the door. They panicked and thought, "Who is it?"
The knock came again, and they asked, "Who is it?"
A voice from the behind the door cried, "Blind man!"
They looked at each other astonished. "What should we do?" they asked one another.
Finally, one of the nuns, after thinking for a moment, said, "Well, the man says he is blind, and hence will not be able to see us. So it should be ok to let him in."
They opened the door and let the man in. Then he said, "OK, where do you want the blinds?"
A group of nuns lived in community, but had taken a vow of silence. If there were demanding circumstances that warranted speaking, the nun to speak would have to break the silence with, "Praise the Lord!", and if another nun responded, she would preface, "Thanks be to God!"
And so it happened one evening that a man broke into the convent, and one of the nuns was aware of it. Finally, in desperation, she cried out to the community:
"Praise the Lord! There's a man in the house!"
The Mother Superior shouted back, "Thanks be to God! Where is he?"
I suppose everyone has heard about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac. He lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog. (no offense Paraglider)
Bill Gates dies and the Angel of Death comes for him, whereupon Bill strikes a deal, he'll come easily if he can take two suitcases with him.
Death looks puzzled but decides to go along with it, provided that Bill can carry the cases, whereupon Bill stuffs one suitcase with diamonds and the other with gold bars and staggers after Death.
When Bill gets to the Pearly Gates Death explains to St Peter what Bill request was, and St Peter agrees that Bill can enter with the suitcases if he can answer one question, "What's that" says Bill,
St Peter says "Why do you want to come here carrying paving slabs and gravel?"
Reuben Cohen's sitting at home when his son Solomon comes in crying;
"Vots the matter" says Reuben...
"The man in the ice cream shop told me he didn't serve Jews" sobs Solomon...
Whereupon Reuben takes Solomon and goes straight to the shop, only to see a Sephardic Jew behind the counter!
"Vot's this that you don't serve Jews" says Reuben, "Tsk! and you a Jew yourself, you should be ashamed of yourself"
Whereupon the Ice cream parlour owner looks both ways and whispers to Reuben "Have you tasted our ice cream?"
Rebecca and Solly are lying in bed, it's 4am, and Solly is tossing and turning. Rebecca asks what's up, and Solly tells her he owes Hymie $5,000 to be paid tomorrow, and he does not have it.
Rebecca picks up the phone and dials Hymies number and after a long wait he answers "Hymie" says Rebecca, that $5,000 Solly owes you, he ain't got it" and slams the phone down.
"Now you go to sleep and let him worry about it" she says to Solly.
Sign outside a church at Easter:
To our congregation - Happy Easter!
To our Jewish friends - Happy Passover!
To our Atheist friends - Good Luck!
Shalom and Good night!
Does that count as religious humor?
At school, a teacher asked a little boy why he was so convinced that his heart was in his cheek.
"Because," he replied, "Nana always squeezes my cheek and says, 'Bless your little heart!'"
A little boy was asked if he knew where God was. Immediately, he replied "In the toilet."
Reason: "Well, my dad waited 45 minutes to use the toilet last tuesday, so he exclaimed, "My God! Are you still there?"
Sister Mary does home health care for all the shut ins of her parish. As a consequence she keeps a bed pan in her car. One day while sister Mary was out visiting everyone she ran out of gas. She was only a short distance from the gas station. So sister Mary grabbed her bed pan and put a little gas in it. As sister Mary was filling her tank two baptist ladies came around the corner. Upon seeing sister Mary filling her tank with the bed pan one turns to the other and says "If it starts I'm turning Catholic"
The Trouble With Neil
My former teacher, Sister Lucia, had 50 students in one class. After herding her brood into church for weekly Mass, she noticed one of the boys acting up. She coughed. She cleared her throat. Finally, in exasperation, she hissed, “Neil!” Immediately, all 50 students dropped to their knees.
The Children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been corrected thus (the incorrect spelling is their own). I hope you enjoy!
The children wrote:
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A HARD CASE TO CRACK
One afternoon Old Dr. Carver was called to the Tuttle house because Mrs. Tuttle was in bed with the flu. The doctor came out of the bedroom and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”
Puzzled, Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”
Mr. Tuttle retrieved one. In the next 10 minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a crowbar.
Finally, Mr. Tuttle asked, “What on earth are you doing to my wife?”
“Not a thing,” replied Dr. Carver. “I can’t get my confounded instrument bag open!”
“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friend. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”
“Wow!” his friend exclaimed. “How did you pull through?”
“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”
WHAT'S THE POINT, MOM?
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write — and they won’t let me talk!”
Even groaners can get a laugh sometimes.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
Delighted to serve? Sign at the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.
The bible and haircut:
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
There were two very mischievous young boys who lived across the street from a local church in town. They went to the church on a regular basis and became well known for the pranks and innocent fun they got into.
A new pastor came to town and introduced himself to the parishoners including the parents of these two boys. The parents told them of their boys and the nature of their carryingons. They also asked if he would have a talk with them to see if he could make them a little more serious about their religious upbringing. He said certainly and asked if they would send one of them over the following Saturday by himself so he could get better aquainted.
Saturday came and the parents sent one of the boys over to see the reverend. The boy let himself in and found the pastor in his office. The pastor asked him to sit down and introduced himself and told him that his parents were very nice and that they had asked him to talk to him about his spiritual life. They talked about everything including his brother and admitted to occasionally getting into trouble. There was a quiet lull and the pastor stood up and pounded his fist on the desk and said in a very stern voice. "Do you know where God is?".
The boy was terrified and jumped out of his chair and ran home and hid in his closet. His brother saw him run in the house and followed him to the now closed closet door. Anxious to know what the pastor had said to make him this scared he asked what the pastor had said. A little voice came from the other side of the door and said "He has lost God and he thinks we had something to do with it".
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."
What a wonderful way to end the evening! This is a forum I will share with all of my pastor friends. Thank you!
Well The Rope for that reason I think we should continue with this thread, even if it is with some more groaners. Please post any good or even silly ones that you find.
A young scout went to his father very sad and said "I might as well quit scouts, I'll never be an Eagle"
His father asked "Why do you say that Son?"
"Because I'm Too GOOD" Replied the boy.
"WHAT?" retorted the Dad.
"Cause" Answered the Cub Scout "I'm not KNOTY enough"
1. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
3. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
4. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
5. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
6. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
7. Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
8. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
9. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
11. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
12. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
13. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.
16. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
17. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
I forgot the name of the boy who wrote this or the exact phrasing, but he said something to this effect:
"There's no good reason to skip Sunday Mass and go to the beach. The fog doesn't lift until 11 anyway."
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Tavern vs Church
The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene. A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased - until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge. At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't."
ok here goes.
A painter was hired to paint the ceiling of the cathedral. He sets up his scaffolding and climbs to the top. As he is painting he drops his brush and immediately says "son of a b----"
When he climbs down to retrieve his brush a sister is there praying. She looks up at him and admonishes him saying "you shouldn't swear in the church. I know you are disgruntled but you need to pray instead of swear."
Muttering to himself, the painter climbs back up and continues to paint. He is just about finished when he again drops his brush. Again disgruntled but remembering sister below he says "Jesus, Mary and Joseph ....
As he says this the brush almost reaching the floor in front of sister starts to rise back up to the painter.
Sister looks up and says, "Son of a B......"
Sorry for the profanity but I find this joke very amusing.
Signs seen on churches in the UK...
Obviously an area with a lot of real estate for sale:
"We are the SOUL Agents in this area!!"
This church must have a lot of HP writers in the area:
"Can't sleep Don't Count Sheep, talk to the Shepherd!"
And this church must be in a family area:
"All services are different. We leave the repeats to TV."
This is possibly in a University area:
"Let us Help you Study for your FINAL EXAMS"
And maybe this church is in a yuppie area:
"There are some questions that CAN"T be answered by GOOGLE."
Of course this church may be in a restoration area:
"The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth...If that's okay with you!"
And my two personal favorites...
"Speak Well of your Enemies, after all You Made Them."
"Down in the Mouth?...Come in for a Faith Lift"
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