My dearest hubbers,
This is kind of an embarrising thing for me to talk about. I make certain I do not inform my friends on my love life status as I do not trust them not to bugger things up for me (as they have done in the past) - I come to you because you do not know me personally.
That and you can offer better advice than teenagers who just think with their sexual organs.
I shall come presently to the issue in hand.
There is a girl I know; I met her about a year and a half ago when we became good friends. Over the past few months, however, we have grown closer and closer. I go to the boys grammar school and she goes to the girls one down the road - we meet up atleast three times a week. More if we can.
She has told me in the past, in general conversation, that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment as her last boyfriend cheated on her and broke her heart after a year and a half. I have told her that I want to focus on my studies and writing this year and that girlfriends are a complete drain on my bank account.
To fill in the whole situation - next year we'll be going to different universities.
NOW THE TRICKY BIT
I realised recently that I really like this girl. I can't get her off my mind. I genuinely think I am falling for her but I don't really know what to do.
If I tell her and she rejects me then the restult will be a damaged friendship which will break down over time and resort in awkwardness. At the moment we are best mates (a mutual feeling)and that is at high risk if she denies me.
If I tell her and she feels the same way then I still have the problem of it getting in the way of my studies/writing. There is also the university problem but that is ages away so that can wait.
WHAT SHOULD I DO HUBBERS?
Please give me advice as soon as possible. I'm having lunch with her tomorrow but we're going out to the cinema followed by the pub on Monday. I don't want to get drunk and then somehow find the courage to do something misguided.
a) Tell her and risk it all.
b) Not tell her and presume the feelings will pass.
c) Wait and see how the situation plays out.
Thank you for your help.
Well, Luke. It seems like you have doubt about the relationship, because you have too many unanswered questions.
The fact- that you can't seem to accept this decision, without help suggests you "yourself" are NOT ready for a relationship.
So, why pursue one?
If you two are truly friends, you'll stay in touch, while you're attending different schools. And, if you do actually stay in touch, make arrangements to see each other on breaks, then you'll have built a solid foundation of friendship for which a relationship can be built upon.
There is no rush and you shouldn't pressure her.
I hoped I helped.
D) Enjoy the journey...... life is filled with unpredictable ends so why ponder about it a single second. Enjoy the time you share like the treasure it seems it is.
No amount of pre-thinking .... pre-planning.... nor any action you take (or don't take) will lead to an definite predetermined conclusion anyway so "Enjoy the journey"
hello, you. first, you needn't justify yourself to rude posters on HP. understand that they are rude to others, not just you, so the best way to deal with comments like that is to just ignore them.
now, to answer your question, i would just ask myself, if it were me, what would i be most comfortable living without - her friendship or a romance with her.
then again, you will always be asking youself "should I have told her how I felt?". so, again, a comfort issue - could you live with the unknown? or taking it further still, see her fall for another and you never told you how you felt.
so just consider what everyone said and then after more deliberation and soul-searching, do what FEELS RIGHT for you. sorry that's all i can offer. good luck to you.
a) if she is a friend it will not be a risk on your relationship, you can put it in a way that she won't feel uncomfortable
I'd go with C.
I mean, you are both young, so there's no fire. (OK, except for the obvious one...) and she already told you she isn't ready for anything heavy.
Be her best friend and if she didn't really mean what she said she'll make the first move and let you off the hook and you'll get what you want. Move in too soon and she'll freak.
Not like I know. That's my best guess from what you said though.
A) it seems like she is raelly into you too by what you have described. She is just afraid to get too close because of her last.
And trust me she wouldn't get in the way with your studies or your writing...she would be yuor support and the push you need to continue with both!
Hmm, it scares the heck out of me though.
A lot of girls I know around here act like that. Yes, we're close...but am I too far into the dreaded 'FRIEND ZONE'?
Also - loving the lion pic =]
Fear not! You will be just fine, sweety! I can tell you are a strong guy and a good guy. And yes it scared me too when i first started dating a guy I really liked who ended up being my husband. But you can feed off that fear and make it productive.
And thanks I think he is so handsome. I want a lion too lol
I'd go with "tell all" Was that "A"? I'm thinking of the girl, too. She would like to know how much you think of her. Everyone does. It isn't something people should hide from each other. We all need some honest admiration and love.
A. I'm a risk-taker. Life's too short. Don't overthink it. It may work out better than you hoped. If, by chance, she freaks and runs, at least you found out now. But, from what you've said, she won't run, or if she does she won't run far.
This is good. Looks like the "A"'s have it, so far.
Bet you'll chicken out. Guys are weird about showing their feelings directly to the person concerned.
I'll go for 'C '
Chill out !
See how things go !
If you value her friendship don't say anything If you're not so sure.
It would be a shame if your friendship gets damaged by accelerating the events
B and C are kind of same thing from the perspective of your friendship or her, herself. Whether or not you assume feelings will pass is something only you will know.
I tend to go with the people who say just see what happens, at least for now. Whether or not to say anything will probably reveal itself if/when something happens that lets you know it's time to say something. "Kind of maybe" may not be quite enough to act on right now (at least in my opinion).
Okay I'll go with B.
Just joking. I think you'd be smart to listen to what the girls say. But then if you let her get away you might regret it in the future. You know when she's married to someone else and has 2 1/2 kids.
Definitely tell her.
"je ne regret rien", or however that quotes goes. Carpe diem and all that. It could end in a train wreck and might, but better that than the torment of wondering, "what if..." for ages after the moment has past.
A) It's time to man up!
Booh Hoo, it's going to interfere with my writing and studies? Gimmee a break! If anything it should inspire you even more if it goes well. Sack up marr! If she denies you that will give you even more reason to concentrate.
Ahh, alas that sounds good in theory. However, my writing is all I have. At school, although it is a grammar school, I don't do the best I could in my subjects. It is my writing which holds me together and the range.
I'm not talking about the hub. The hub is for self/vanity publishing. I'm talking about the publishers who want to publish me (three in the UK) and the two producers which are interested in my scripts (one in the UK and one in the USA). I cannot afford to let it all be about love or let it get heavily influenced by my social life. The publishers loved my quirkiness and range of imagination. The producers are purely influenced in my horror writing. Love is not an aspect of life which I want to inspire me.
I don't like how this is in the category of religion and beliefs, but I'd just tell her how you feel and that you'll forget it and let it pass if she's not at all interested. So, A basically.
Sorry, I published it in the wrong one by accident. It was completely unintentional.
I'd do a combination of all of the above. (And did when I was about your age.) Tell her how you feel, but also tell her all you told us. Sounds like you are both fairly mature and possibly can keep the relationship in perspective.
What ALWAYS lasts is the friendship part. Tell her you really value her as a friend and no matter what happens, you never want to lose her.
You are both young--lots of changes are bound to happen--if you can enjoy a relationship while still keeping all that in mind, then do so. The fact you are spelling out all your worries and concerns here tells me you are thinking in the right way.
generally I would say A), but because you're younger and have a solid friendship with her, I agree with Lita's advice.
let her know how much you enjoy being with her and how good you feel in her presence. and she may ask why.
tell her a couple reasons, not your whole heart. keep it light, yet give her some obvious cues that you're very interested in her.
exciting! now you know we're going to want to hear what happens....
So what's the verdict? What are you thinking now? Go for it, or wait and see, or...
I'm going to wait and see what happens on monday. We're basically spending the entire day together up - hanging out, cinema and then pub. I'll see if she makes a move. If she does then that's great.
If she doesn't then I'll just do what comes naturally - tell her and then get over it.
Don't wait. Get it over with. Why waste a whole day procrastinating the inevitable. "I'll see if she makes a move" lol.
My point apparently was missed. I understood what you said, but you also said that SHE isn't up or ready for a relationship?
By you telling her exactly how YOU feeling- have you thought about what happens afterwards? I mean, yes you've thought if it will destroy your friendship?
So, have you thought about if she feels the SAME way as you and what then becomes of the relationship? if you're going to different schools.
Long-distance relationships almost never work out, because there is too much 'absence' in the relationship for it to be a real relationship.
Are you going to change schools? Is she?
So, telling her before SHE is ready, is only going to pressure her, no matter how you look at it. Just from the simple fact that you know she's hurting from a past relationship.
Now- you want her to build another one. Sounds like a rebound relationship.
That's destined to fall apart.
Your friendship means more to her than mostly anything else. If she rejects your advance- Are you going to be insulted? If so, is going to change your view of the friendship?
Sorry, don't mean to meddle, but I'm interested in knowing more. Therefore I ask questions.
Grab her by the hair drag her off to your cave and say,"Woman cook!" It works everytime the female hubbers just won't admit it, so if they deny it you know it's true. So go for it!
What I could say to this one, cavepeople! WOWZA!!! But then someone would have to come along and clean my mouth out with soap.
One time a man musician friend of mine was getting in a caveman mode and I kinda gave him the old what for...a friend of both ours said, "You should leave the man his balls intact". Uh-uh!.
Sneak you are way too funny and if hubby tried that with me I would smack him! hahaahahaha
Totally true... just a sec, my bf Noah is pulling my hair... must be dinner time
Ya don't want to go through life always being sorry that ya didn't ask for what ya wanted. . She either just wants to be friends or is wondering why YOU don't say something.
I was in a situation a little similar to yours. I didn't say nothing and she thought I was Gay otherwise how could I have resisted trying something? True story... Not realy but kinda
You do have to be 18 and he knows that as he has been told, but apparently the school he goes to cannot teach him how to determine his own age or the term
"Religion & Beliefs" as appose to "The Hubbers Hang Out" to post this topic.
Makes one wonder just exactly which "University" would accept such a "student"?
Oh wait...I seem to have located it...
He got in a scholarship and will be the head
Well that was rude. And one can be a senior in high school and be 18 years old, my sister is. It just depends on your birth-date.
He already admitted it a few months back, that he was a minor.
I agree with all those before me. This is extremely rude. I suppose it is my duty to explain all the faults in your little personal attack on me back there.
I would like to thank you for your cynicism in my forum. It made me laugh as you implied that I have an inability to read when you, yourself, did not read the posts above you. I am a grammar school student. I am eighteen years old. I don't know about you but I tend to get older every year by a year. I was banned for three months until it was my birthday, then I came back.
I had already apologised for posting it in what many people believe to be the wrong forum. It was 2am when I posted it and I was more interested in conveying my idea rather than under which pedantic category it was to be placed under.
As for the comment about university, that is way below the belt. I fail to understand why you choose to enforce such an idea in a troubled teenager's forum but I am sure you have other reasons other than spite and vindictiveness. Be wary of your own faults before you make up faults for others.
I go to one of the best schools in the UK and am going to one of the best universities next year.
You state that "I tend to think in a very refined manner. I love to debate things in a respectful manner and I do not mind a good heated debate" on your home page. By the way you acted in this forum you showed neither your skill in thinking in a refined manor nor your skill in debating.
Yes, as I said before, I'm warped. Yes, I'm twisted. Yes, I'm hypersensitive. Yes, I'm only 18 years old and can't even drive - yet alone drive a truck. Yes, I have abstract views. Yes, I'm pretentious. Yes, I'm up my own behind.
However, all that could explain why I was a published author by the time I turned 17 years old. It could explain why I have a three publishing contracts ready to sign (I just need to choose who to go with) for my first book, coming out next year. It could explain why two sets of film producers are interested in my scripts.
Please, think before you post in future. I am sorry that I am apparently not as smart as you truckers out there but I guess that the open road is all someone like me can aspire to.
I would like to thank everyone for their support on this subject. We spoke about it today and she loves me as a friend but nothing more. We still have all the plans for the near future and it isn't awkward. All life is good. This is the better way.
Luke Andrew Marr
Andrew, sorry I missed the debate. I'm so glad you told her how you felt and that it's worked out.
Who knows, something may still come of it. We women can be dumb about relationships - we're brought up to think love is all about instant chemistry, stars in our eyes and men on white chargers. It's only after we've gone on a few roller coaster rides with losers, that we learn the deepest love can come from a slow burn that starts with friendship.
c) She's hurt by her last relationship and sees you as a confidant she can safely spend her time with and feel comfortable around.
Now, that's not to say that things can't change ... but forcing the hand could lead to heartache on both parts ... there is no spark unless both hearts light up.
Now, if she starts giving you signs, like putting her arms around you or giving you a kiss on the cheek, return the affection and see where it goes.
As her trust of men is down right now it's best to let her be the pursuer and let her see you as someone possibly vulnerable to the chase. This way, if she does move forward with things she will feel in control of the relationship and won't back out when things start to get serious (which often happens if you go on the pursuit before a broken heart is ready to be mended.
Typically, 'I'm not ready for another relationship yet' means I need you here as a friend, and any step out of that catwalk will often cause you nothing but grief ... but in rare times a woman will identify with that confidant as being 'the right guy' and if she does, she'll thrown out enough signs that you'll know.
When in high school, my best friend repeatedly asked me out. I loved him dearly, as a friend, but was not ready for more. I don't think it hurt the relationship/friendship, but it did make me cautious.
Because he was my best friend and I knew how he felt about me, I was careful never to flirt with him or lead him on in any manner.
Because he was my best friend, I did not want to start something that I could not finish.
just tell her..if you do not, you could miss the chance of a lifetime..hey, just be honest withyourself and it will come naturally when you do tell her..if we never take chances, we never get chances or get to know what can / could have been...
It is ok to tell your friends you love them start with that first.
Sorry, I just have to say this. Doesn't Earnest look like the sort of cool Uncle everyone wants to have?
AND he gives great advice.
Earnest fan club. (y)
It seems like in this case, this may apply to him and his love?
The only thing about this relationship is she may just be really enjoying the realxed atmosphere of the comraderie you two are sharing since her heartbreak. It's like when you've just been out working or studying all week and the weekend comes the work is done and the test is taken and you just want a non work/test atmosphere. If your "friendship" is as solid as it sounds why not just be honest with her about how you feel about her and be honest in not knowing what exactly to do with how you feel. Then let her know how much you value the freindship you share with her and how you'd like it to continue regardless (IF you can stand it.) Just be honest and if she is truly your friend she will just talk to you about it even though it may be an awkward conversation whatever you guys decide should make your relationship stronger no matter what you all should choose to do with each other. Blessings.
I'll go for A because at least you will know her reactions after blurting it out, if shes your real friend, I think she will understand, as part of being friends, you need to tell her what you feel for her also!
I was in the same situation. But I was engaged, my best friend of 20+ years shared his feelings. I didn't/don't feel the same right now. At that time, it was very awkward for me to talk about my relationship with my fiance.....and I wanted to because he was my very close friend. I feel like our relationship has suffered. You can have several soul mates in a life....lovers,family and friends. He is my "friend" soul mate and still is.
I'm just telling you of my experience. I'd play it out. Perhaps when you are apart and not seeing each other 3x per week, she'll realize she wants to miss you.
"If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours, if it doesn't, it never was."
I agree. If you can bear it, see what it's like when you're apart. If you stay really good friends then you should definitely say something. But if you don't stay in touch as much as you hope and dont find time to see each other then chances are this isnt going to make for a great relationship, and chances are you're both going to get hurt.
Also, if she's saying that she doesnt want a relationship, then she might feel like she's being pressurised. It's really difficult to tell tho not knowing you. She does sound like a reasonable sort of person tho. IF you feel that you need to tell her then make sure she knows that you don't expect anything from her, you just thought she ought to know how you were feeling.
Hope this helps and good luck!!
I'm not offering this as an excuse for how you were treated, but in Texas (and possibly other states) grammar school (or elementary school)is what we consider a school for kids between the ages of about 5 (kindgergarten) up until about 10 years old. Then the middle years vary that cover the 10-14 year olds. Some schools have what they call a middle school, some have an intermediate and some have a junior high. Some may have 2 out of the 3 and how they divide the ages up depends largely on the size of the building. Often the buildings are old high schools (15-18 year olds)that they've grown out of and built a new high school. So, when you mentioned grammar school, many may have assumed you were much younger than you really are.
Ahh, I should probably explain the difference then. In the UK a there are three types of secondary school - High School, Private School and Grammar School.
High School is basically the same as in the states.
Private School is one you pay to go to.
Grammar School is one which is free but which you have to pass an test in order to get in.
It basically goes - Year 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. These are the compulsory years you have to attend school - up to the age of 16.
If you want you can then leave for college. Or, you can do what I did and stay on for two more years - for some reason called 'The Sixth Form'.
This is split into two years - Lower Sixth and Upper Sixth (in that order)
I am in the Upper Sixth.
For us, Kindergarten through 12th grade is normal. (13 years that begins when you're 5 years old and ends when you're 18 years old). It varies slightly depending on your birth month since they have a Sept 1 cutoff. Because I have a Nov birthday I was closer to 19 than 18 when I graduated from high school.
All grades are offered in both public (free) and private (tuition-based) schools.
hey Andrew, sounds like she is very comfortable with you being a friend right now and as someone who has been there, as well as many others here, the best love relationships begin with friendship. you never know...
you're giving her a bit of sanity and fun after her break up.
as far as the juveniles who posted the stuff about grammar school, you were the adult here, Andrew. and never feel like you have to explain yourself. you already had if people had read the entire thread.
cheerio, as you say
How do you feel about farm animals? No mind games just lots of good sex and a little clean-up.
L. Andrew, You have been through a rough couple of days, but the outcome is really more positive than you might realize. Many people marry thier best friends, it is viewed as the best sitation because you don't just have an attraction, your have a bond, maybe a likemindedness that is lasting. Go slow, there is much maturation ahead for both of you and the days of study in University also holds other situations you are not expecting.
Enjoy your youth but never lose touch with her, the worst thing is if you 1) become too preoccupied when she seeks your attention, or 2) hover and be jealous as she is also learning about herself and other relationships while in University as well. Give more than you recieve and resist trying to control the relationship...if your final prize is to be a lasting relationship with this girl, always put her feeings and interests ahead of your own.
I know that the days have passed since your meeting with her, but if I could offer some advice: this happened to me once. My dear buddy told me that he was in love with me (or that he liked, liked me way more than I liked him). I decided to take the risk and we dated. When we broke up, we lost that friendship.
I would wait it out and let her develop feelings for you. It may not happen, but if you share a deep friendship then she will already feel attached and devoted to you.
Also, you are off to university soon. You will meet so many people there, that you may decide that a relationship with this girl isn't what you want. If after meeting and dating lots of women you find you still like this girl, then you will have the knowledge that she is indeed right for you.
Best of luck.
A - You've both spent some more time together since then, so maybe her feelings have changed...
I don't believe in playing games in relationships. So tell the truth and go for it. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
When I met my husband. He sort of hinted he just wanted to be friends. I told him point blank that I had girlfriends and male lovers (one at a time, I do believ in monogamy.). That I don't believe that it's possible for men and women to be "just friends." He realized that in his words - "the train was leaving the station." And he decided to get on. But he could have just as easily walked away.
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