jump to last post 1-20 of 20 discussions (61 posts)

Man can create life!!!

  1. sooner than later profile image59
    sooner than laterposted 6 years ago

    The worlds great scientists gathered in a meeting to discuss how they have "created life". One man gloatingly started, "I grew a human ear on the back of a mouse for transplant". The next, "I kept a heart beating in a plasma filled jar for a year" he smiled. A third, "I took a dead man's organs and made them function again".

    "God?" they asked. "we don't believe in Him, look how smart WE are" They were very smart too. so smart that it took many magazines and millions of articles to convince the average dummy of how smart they really were. Amazing.

    Anyway, God got word of the very very smart men and wanted to see if His creation really was smart enough to create life. "Tell them I would like to see this" God said to the angel that was there. "I'll create something new as well" He finished. The angel rushed down to tell the very very smart men. and... the men agreed. "We don't need Him anymore, we accept the challenge"   

    And so it was. God came to their laboratory and the great battle was to begin. The scientists started working in the lab with some dead things. "Wait" said the angel, "bring your own things" he stated. "We are making life" said the smartest. "Thats fine" said the angel, but bring your own ingredients". They looked at eachother and figured that together they could do it. "Lets start from scratch" he stated to the other smart smart men. They all agreed. So he grabbed a jar of dirt from outside and started separating it.

    God had finished with a beautiful new breed of parrot and it perched on his shoulder as He sat on a lab counter to watch. The scientists didn't pay much notice to Him because they began to charge the dirt with electricity. "Wait" said the angel to them, "bring your own dirt" he exclaimed. They all looked at eachother in confusion. 

    God smiled and spoke to the angel, "Lemonade?"

    1. 0
      Twenty One Daysposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      My hat to you. Absolutely brilliant!

      1. sooner than later profile image59
        sooner than laterposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        thank you.

  2. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 6 years ago

    A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.

    The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years; The Ten Commandments, for instance."

    The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"

    1. tantrum profile image60
      tantrumposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      lol

    2. Pr0metheus profile image59
      Pr0metheusposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      LOL

  3. SandyMcCollum profile image78
    SandyMcCollumposted 6 years ago

    LOL - I love these!

    1. sooner than later profile image59
      sooner than laterposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Me too. smile

      1. pddm67 profile image59
        pddm67posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Me three smile

  4. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 6 years ago

    Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

    The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

    The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

    The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter."Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

    The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

    The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size."

    The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

  5. Flightkeeper profile image79
    Flightkeeperposted 6 years ago

    lol lol

  6. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 6 years ago

    Repost: Other forum didn't appreciate. Hope you do.

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

    12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    1. Susana S profile image92
      Susana Sposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      My husband thinks I've gone mad because I am laughing hysterically at the computer screen! That's absolutely fab - I'm saving this one smile Thanks for sharing Hokey!!

  7. sooner than later profile image59
    sooner than laterposted 6 years ago

    I think our humor is 180 hokey.

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      OOPS!! roll

    2. 60
      (Q)posted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Are you saying the OP was meant to be humorous?

  8. 0
    Will Bensonposted 6 years ago

    Father Murphy was delivering one of his hellsfire and brimstone sermons. He shouts out "Everyone going to heaven, stand up!" Everybody stood up. "OK, now sit back down."

    Then he roars "Everyone who wants to go to hell, stand up!" Riley stands up. The good Father was beside himself and yells, "Riley, I said if you want to go to HELL stand up -- you don't want to go to hell, do you?"

    Says Riley, "No Father...but I felt badly for you standing up there all by yourself."

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Not very funny.  sad

      1. Cagsil profile image60
        Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Why not? I thought it had a little bit of humor in it. Not enough to post. But, when I saw what you said, not very funny? I had to say it was, because I did find a little bit of humor in it. smile

        Just a thought? smile

        1. Hokey profile image58
          Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          thats why I said not VERY funny

  9. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 6 years ago

    Man can create life!!!

    Of course man can create life, all that's needed is a woman. smile

    1. Wealthmadehealthy profile image61
      Wealthmadehealthyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Hear hear, this is the only way man can create life without God.

  10. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 6 years ago

    I see. smile

  11. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 6 years ago

    The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

    After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?"

    The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

    After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

    The pope replied, "Big tits."

  12. 0
    lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago

    @Hokey, I love You.

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I'm jumping aroung forums looking for you

      1. tantrum profile image60
        tantrumposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        roll

        lol

        1. Hokey profile image58
          Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          What?  big_smile

          1. Cagsil profile image60
            Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Need an explanation? I hope not. lol lol

            1. Hokey profile image58
              Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              Shhhhhh! Cagsil. tantrum might be around. roll

              1. tantrum profile image60
                tantrumposted 6 years ago in reply to this
                1. Hokey profile image58
                  Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                  What?  big_smile

      2. 0
        lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I'm here big_smile

        1. Hokey profile image58
          Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          How ya doing?

          1. 0
            lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            good now

            you ok?

            1. Hokey profile image58
              Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              Yeah. I am doing ok. Just been playing around on here and writing in my notebooks. Also working on new song on guitar.

              1. 0
                lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                my email not working and like many nothing from hubpages
                fun indeed
                i just love that avatar
                and you to of course
                big_smile

                1. Hokey profile image58
                  Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                  I am literally melting.  smile

                  1. 0
                    lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                    don't melt
                    I need you my friend big_smile

  13. Mark Knowles profile image60
    Mark Knowlesposted 6 years ago

    Time for some visual humor. big_smile

    http://markpknowles.com/wp-content/gallery/offensive-to-all/judaism.jpg
    http://markpknowles.com/wp-content/gallery/offensive-to-all/islam.jpg
    http://markpknowles.com/wp-content/gallery/funny/believe-in-god-breath-spray.jpg
    http://markpknowles.com/wp-content/gallery/funny/god-myths.jpg

    Sorry if I left your personal irrational belief system out. wink

    1. Cagsil profile image60
      Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol lol lol

  14. WriteAngled profile image92
    WriteAngledposted 6 years ago

    A man arrived at the gates of Heaven.

    St. Peter asked, "Religion?"

    The man said, "Methodist."

    St. Peter looked down his list and said," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

    Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven.

    "Religion?"

    "Catholic."

    "Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

    A third man arrived at the gates.

    "Religion?"

    "Jewish."

    "Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

    The man said, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"

    St. Peter told him, "Well, the Baptists are in Room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol

      1. Hokey profile image58
        Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Wonderful!!!!!!  lol lol lol

  15. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 6 years ago

    Your welcome!!!!! big_smile

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Quality all the way! lol Very funny, I would like to keep this one as well. Did you write it yourself? smile

      1. Hokey profile image58
        Hokeyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I would love to say yes but Karma will not permit. So no. It is great though! Had to share it!  big_smile

  16. WriteAngled profile image92
    WriteAngledposted 6 years ago

    From the late, great Dave Allen

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpVjBBDMOoA

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you so much! Tears of laughter! lol
      Such a clever mind. He makes the case clearly that you can't even get this crap past a 4 year old! lol lol lol

  17. sooner than later profile image59
    sooner than laterposted 6 years ago

    I have not been on in a while. Did they change the complete format or is my computer not like back home?

  18. 0
    lyricsingrayposted 6 years ago

    Hi Earnest big_smile

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Hi Kimberly. smile

  19. qwark profile image59
    qwarkposted 6 years ago

    St. Peter greeted Sister Mary at the golden gates.

    You've done wonderful work Sister, but god demands I ask a question before we can open the Golden Gates and allow you to pass.

    Sister, What were the first words Eves spoke to Adam?

    Sister pondered that for a moment, looked puzzled and said to St Peter:... "My! That's a hard one!"

    St. Peter smiled, turned and said "Joshua, you may open the gates!"

    I know it's an oldie but goodie...lol

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      :lol; lol lol

  20. 0
    StormRyderposted 6 years ago

    I create life every now and then if I don't clean the leftovers out of the fridge often enough!

 
working