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JOKE

  1. qwark profile image60
    qwarkposted 7 years ago

    His wife's graveside
                  service was just barely finished, when  there was
                  a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
                  bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                  rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man
                  looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
                  'Well, she's there.
    ....got more?

    1. Harvey Stelman profile image60
      Harvey Stelmanposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      quark,

      Did it all come from the casket?

    2. alexandriaruthk profile image54
      alexandriaruthkposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      and a husband is dead and the woman put in his grave "STIFF at LAST", vengeance hehe

  2. goldenpath profile image80
    goldenpathposted 7 years ago

    Then it started snowing because the angels began shaking their heads at the new arrival.  Eventually, it commenced to rain fish as it was the only merciful way to spit her back to Earth. smile

    1. Cathi Sutton profile image81
      Cathi Suttonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      She had died at the brewery where she worked.  When her husband heard the news of her death he asked, "Did she go quickly?"  To which he was answered, "Not exactly.  She fell in the beer vat, then got out three times to pee!"

      1. earnestshub profile image87
        earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        lol worked for me! lol

  3. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 7 years ago

    It's a cold Irish night and Paddy and his wife had settled in bed.
    Paddy's missus got her big pregnant belly comfortable finally, she stopped moaning and fell asleep.
    Paddy thought he was getting a good night's sleep so he blew out the candle.
    He was just dropping off when his missus cried out "Paddy would ye loit de candle?"
    Paddy gets up and lights the candle and she gives birth to a boy.
    After cleaning up the baby Paddy gets back into bed with the mother and baby and drops into a deep sleep.
    "Paddy would ye loit de candle" his wife suddenly crys out, and once again she gives birth this time to a girl.
    Paddy cleans up again and goes back to sleep only to hear "Paddy would ye de candle."
    I'll not loit de candle" says Paddy, "I tink de loits attractin em!

  4. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago

    My wife was hinting
    about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
    in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol ..... but not nice! lol

      1. profile image0
        Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Hello Earnest..

  5. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "OK, well, then which one are you?"

    1. Faybe Bay profile image83
      Faybe Bayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol

      1. profile image0
        Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Good morning Faybe...(it's 4:18 AM where I am.)

        1. Faybe Bay profile image83
          Faybe Bayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Me too. I should be sleeping. I am a glutton for hub pages.

          1. profile image0
            Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

            I'm up to go to work..

            1. Faybe Bay profile image83
              Faybe Bayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

              Need help? I need a job!

              1. profile image0
                Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

                Need lots of help..Are you a Nurse?

                Because I work at the hospital I have to be on time.
                The doctors are there anywhere from..on time to 1 1/2-2 hours late.
                The average doctor gets there 30 minutes late unless there is an urgency.

                I go in 30 minutes early most of the time to have breakfast in the cafeteria.

                1. Faybe Bay profile image83
                  Faybe Bayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

                  That's so ironic! Doctors are late! I hear ya. Are you in Florida, no I'm not a nurse, but I could be if it meant a job.

                  I know I couldn't be a nurse, but I could do bed pans. I have changed adult diapers.

                  1. profile image0
                    Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

                    C.N.A.s do a lot but they are also the ones who change bed pans.
                    They pack ulcers/sores..clean up vomit and feces. It's not a glamorous job.
                    You have to go to school to get the certification. Though most are 9 months long..some schools can certify you in a few weeks.

                    Online I'd rather not say where I am. My name is Deborah but Deborah Sexton is my pen name...I had a problem with an extreme group on the internet once..so I no longer give my location.

    2. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol

  6. stephensaldana profile image60
    stephensaldanaposted 7 years ago

    Life has too many things to teach us... A famous chienese poet says: chiu liu mui fenghui shuihjdi chingo itima lung shung.....Its so touching.. and made me cry... won't it !! tongue lols

  7. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago

    A  man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they  were there, the wife passed away.

    The undertaker told the husband, "You  can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her  shipped back home for $5000.
    The husband thought about it and told the  undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
    The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a  beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

    The husband  replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days  later, rose from the dead….. I just can’t take that  chance!!!!”

    1. Harvey Stelman profile image60
      Harvey Stelmanposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Deb,

      That is soooo old, it may be older than me.

      1. profile image0
        Deborah Sextonposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        I just heard it for the first time yesterday!..

  8. blondepoet profile image78
    blondepoetposted 7 years ago

    I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
    He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”.


    http://i566.photobucket.com/albums/ss105/blondebaby1978/Snags/blondes.png

    1. stephensaldana profile image60
      stephensaldanaposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      hahahhaha.. nice one.. well great thread to get some time to relax your mind and body.. haha

      1. blondepoet profile image78
        blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        smile smile smile

    2. profile image70
      logic,commonsenseposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      And Blonde Poets do it best!!! smile

      1. blondepoet profile image78
        blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Here here Logic xox

    3. Harvey Stelman profile image60
      Harvey Stelmanposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Blondie,

      My wife of 32 years is blonde, Phi Beta Kappa, Magnum Cum Laude and straight A honors in grad school. I'm just smarter.

  9. Paradise7 profile image85
    Paradise7posted 7 years ago

    JOKE!

    A guy is in the bar, sitting next to another guy who's falling off his stool every five minutes.  The bartender says, "Why don't you be a good guy, a Good Samaritan, and drive this fella home?"

    The guy says, "Ok," and he takes the stumbling, legless drunk out the door to his car...he has to half-drag the man, the guy can't even barely walk...

    The drunk points out his house.  The drunk's wife answers the door.

    "Thank you for taking him home," she says, "but where's his wheelchair?"

    http://www.physics.mcgill.ca/~arobic/funny/funny.jpg

    1. stephensaldana profile image60
      stephensaldanaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      hahahhahhaha...not because of teh joke but after seeing teh faces of the cute cats.. hahahaha..

  10. Paradise7 profile image85
    Paradise7posted 7 years ago

    Another one, I thought this was kinda cute...

    In Alabama, it's illegal to drive a motor vehicle while blindfolded....I mean, really...DUH!

    http://www.gobananas.co.uk/images/blindfold-driving.jpg

  11. profile image0
    selrachposted 7 years ago

    A famous cardioogist dies and is given a lavish funeral.As a tribute to his work, a huge heart stands beside his casket.After the eulogy,the heart opens and the casket rolls inside sealing the surgeon inside.At this point one of the mourners starts laughing I,m very sorry he says, I was thinking of my own funeral I,m a gynaecologist.

    1. bunnyjumalon profile image61
      bunnyjumalonposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I'm having a good laugh.....It keeps the doctor away!!!!!!!!LOL.........

  12. profile image70
    logic,commonsenseposted 7 years ago

    Jack and Jill worked at the same place.  One day their boss was told by his boss that due to the economy, one of them had to go.
    Their boss did not want to get rid of either as they were very good workers.  But he had to do what he was told.  It was a coin flip, so he decided whomever came back from break last would be  the one to go.  They both came back together.  He then decided whomever left for lunch first, would be the one to go.  They went to lunch together.  So he thought he'd just be upfront and see if one would volunteer.  He approached Jill and told her, "Jill, I have a dilemna, I have to lay you or Jack off."  Jill replied, " Well it will have to be the latter, as I have a headache!"

  13. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 6 years ago

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
    while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

  14. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 6 years ago

    When I got home last night,
    my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
    so, I took her to a Gas station.

  15. mychalyisrael profile image61
    mychalyisraelposted 6 years ago

    oh no was it a a.m. p.m. lol

  16. errum fattah profile image60
    errum fattahposted 6 years ago

    not funny..iam listening this joke for more than several times but i didn't find any smile on my lips.

  17. stephensaldana profile image60
    stephensaldanaposted 6 years ago

    While creating men god said to women that good and ideal man can be found in every corner of the earth.. and just after he realized something he made earth round big_smile

  18. stephensaldana profile image60
    stephensaldanaposted 6 years ago

    Which is the 27th letter of teh alphabet??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????think think............????????????////







    Still thinking??????




    hummmm


    Which school kiddooo????? lols..

  19. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 6 years ago

    http://edkrebs.com/herb/petoons22/heller.jpg

  20. stephensaldana profile image60
    stephensaldanaposted 6 years ago

    Why Newton was shocked when he saw a beautiful girl naked? He found his penis going up, which was against his law of gravity tongue lols

 
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