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An Early Christian Marketing Meeting

  1. Eric Newland profile image61
    Eric Newlandposted 4 years ago

    I've seen a lot of atheists say things along the lines of how the early Christians did this and that to "market" Christianity to the world. Apparently it was all about money from day 1, year 1 C.E.!

    So since it was all about marketing they must have had a marketing team, and that team must have had meetings, right? Let's imagine what the minutes from one of those meetings might have looked like.

    9:00 AM
    Attendance taken. Noted that only five heads are missing this time. Congratulated the bodies for attending the meeting anyway, and promised they would be canonized one day.

    Minutes from last meeting up until we were raided by Roman soldiers read and approved.

    Treasurer's Report
    Profits are still non-existent, and we expect to report a loss this quarter, which makes thirty-eight quarters in a row. A lot of grumbling about how we're never going to get rich at this rate. Was suggested that part of the problem is that we have no revenue streams. Motion to discuss revenue after open forum. Seconded and approved. On the plus side, treasurer reported that conversion rates are still slightly higher than martyrdom rates. Small celebration.

    Open Forum
    Hezekiah motioned to have the coffee machine fixed. Was calmly pointed out that coffee will not be discovered for almost fifteen hundred years, so there's not much point in fixing it. Motion rejected 11 to 1.

    Ezekiel again motioned to discuss moving our meeting house. Pointed out that the sewers on his side of town are slightly less "ripe." More vegetarians in the area. Motion seconded. Was discussed, but many believed the commute would be prohibitive. Too many soldiers who like to make you carry their gear for a mile in that area, resulting in a two mile detour. Motion rejected 8 to 4.

    Revenue Brainstorming
    Matthew motioned to move forward with his "ichthus" concept. Suggested that the fish symbol could perhaps be cast in metal and stuck to the back of some sort of vehicle. Was pointed out that Roman chariots do not have backs. Motion rejected 10 to 2.

    Nehemiah motioned that the symbol of the cross would sell better. Could perhaps even be depicted with Jesus still hanging on it. Everyone else felt the idea was too morbid and would never catch on. Rejected 11 to 1.

    Hezekiah motioned to work on a "WWYD" bracelet. Explained that it stood for "What Would Yashuashuwshashakalaka Do?" Rejected 11 to 1.

    No more ideas being forthcoming, Bob (one of our early non-Jewish converts) motioned that we add revenue brainstorming to the weekly agenda. Seconded and approved unanimously.

    Missionary Report
    Zacchius was proud to report that missionary efforts are going extremely well. Paul has been doing a marvelous job totally fracking up the teachings of Jesus. Zacchius declared, quote, "God will never know what hit Him." Now if we could just start making some money.

    Motion to Adjourn
    Thaddeus reported that he could hear, quote, "the distinctive clanking of breastplates with nipples on them." Motion to adjourn seconded and approved unanimously.

    Meeting adjourned at 10:12AM.

    1. Disappearinghead profile image89
      Disappearingheadposted 4 years ago in reply to this


      Once upon a time before European vehicle homologation rules mandated the fitting of central high mounted stop lights, you could buy a CHMSL from your local aftermarket shop and retrofit one to your car. I remember thinking how much money could I make if I marketed and sold a Jesus ichthus fishy brake light.

      Or how about instead of Y-fronts underpants, you could buy ichthus fronts. Reckon the Christian ladies would find them sexy?

      How about an iPhone cover that looked like a leather bound bible? On the back you could emboss the words "I surf the Jesus net".

      Eric we're missing some opportunities here.

      1. Eric Newland profile image61
        Eric Newlandposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        I don't want a fish that close to my crotch. I'm still traumatized from reading about the candiru.

        1. Disappearinghead profile image89
          Disappearingheadposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Haha also known as moby dick.

          1. Eric Newland profile image61
            Eric Newlandposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            I overexerted my ichthus the other day and Torah hole in my Testament.