Go Home!

One Call

It was a long road yeah know, the one I had to walk alone? I could of used your help.. maybe a phone call here and there it would of made it just that much more bearable.

This Place. I hate and love it. One day I want out the next I want to stay. Why can't I decided? Again I find myself not being able to sleep. Again I find myself thinking about you. Again I say your name just to hear it leave my lips. I pray that one time you'll reply with "Jacob". A tear rolls down my cheek. My vision blurs and for a second I think I might lose it. Alas I don't, I shut off the emotion suppress the pain before it can take hold of me.  I miss you I don't know if you know that but I do, I still think about you, I still picture your face. I've forgotten how you smell... I am truly sorry but I can still fill your lips against mine. I swear on the nights after I have been without sleep for several days it's the feeling of your lips against mine that put me to sleep. 

Only to wake up and realize your not there, I miss you. Your voice, god your voice could cure all my  pain right now. Why am I too stubborn, too prideful to call you? Because of him, yes he is my friend, my brother; yes I love him; yes I hate him even envy him.

Why?

It's simple.

He has you.

I want you back, Is it sad that I still picture a future with you? Is it sad that I still can't let go of you, even after all this time? Why can't I let go.. Why can't I just let GO!... I'm sorry... I do not deserve you, this much I understand. Doesn't mean I can't want what I can't have.

I love you... I don't think I could ever stop. 

The Comeback

Don't worry, you made it! Your different now tho.. Can they see it? Do they see the demon inside me? I hope not, I keep him locked up pretty tight but every once in awhile... 

It's time. You gotta leave know J, you got to go. 

Why is it so hard? Why am I so scared I'm going to fail I hope I don't fail. God how I hope. Part of me tells me all will be well the other part says this is a big mistake. I don't care tho I want to leave I want to go tho. My sentence is served. My time is up. I am free, for I am 18. don't worry my friend I wont take her from you. I respect you and her to much to come back an start drama so if your reading this I hope you believe and understand me. For I love you both and isn't true love shown by shouldering your pain for their happiness? I think so. I think if the roles were reversed you'd do the same. In fact I know you would. This is why we are friends. I see it now, my sadness is fleeting and temporary. I will either forget this emotion called love, or I'll meet someone whose worth feeling that emotion again. Who knows!

I don't care all too much to be honest. I'm fine with drowning in a sea of endless one night stands. Attachments bring pain. Pain brings regret. Regret brings sadness. Sadness brings death. Death brings enlightenment. "It's time to go home J, are you ready?"

"Yeah.... yeah I'm ready."

Comments 2 comments

GuessWho;) 5 years ago

This is really deep. I wonder how she feels about you..? She must have a really special place in your heart for you to write something like this.


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Instigator 5 years ago from Logan, UT Author

She lost her feelings for me a long time ago. She'll always have a special place in my heart, but things will never be the same and I've come to terms with that besides It's time I moved on to something better!

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