10 Signs You Care About Fantasy Football Way Too Much (like in an unhealthy way)
How much time per week do you spend on fantasy during the football season?See results without voting
Is Sunday Don't Talk to Daddy Day?
How important is fantasy football to you? How seriously do you take fantasy football? If you lose, do you just shake it off and forget about it right away or do you mope about until you can set your line-up for next week?
It's common knowledge that domestic violence rises on Sundays because even though it's the day that many people go to church, it's also the day most NFL games are played. When NFL games are played, some teams win and some teams lose. And when some football teams lose, men beat their wives. Well, it goes without saying that if the outcome of a football game in which you are not even a participant affects your emotional stability, you take football way too seriously and are probably in need of some counseling. It's also probable that you hate your life and aren't really dealing with that.
Then there's fantasy football. It's called fantasy for a reason. Getting upset about losing a fantasy football game is like getting upset because your 5th level Orc died in a halberd battle with a Dwarf. Still, those of us who play fantasy football can't help ourselves. Winning or losing our fantasy match up becomes a life or death struggle. We can't be interrupted. We can't talk. And sometimes things go way too far.
Here are some things fantasy football players do that suggest they take fantasy football way too seriously and probably need professional help.
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- You root against your favorite team - So, let's say your favorite team is the Broncos and you're going up against a guy who has Peyton Manning as his starting quarterback. If you take fantasy football too seriously, you sit on your couch actively hoping that a meteor or something squashes Peyton like a bug or that he's knocked unconscious by an opposing linebacker just so you can win your game that week. Then you curse yourself at night when Peyton does suffer some horrible, career-ending injury because you suddenly realize that the Broncos are screwed. But secretly, you're giggling like a little schoolgirl inside because you won your fantasy football match. You take fantasy football too seriously.
- You yell at your kids - You lose your fantasy match-up by one point, so what do you do? You start yelling at your kids or your wife or anybody who does something that gets on your nerves, like talk to you or ask you to feed them. Let's say you lost your fantasy match-up by 1 point on a last second field goal by your opponent's kicker and next thing you know, your two-year-old has spilled his dinner plate on the floor. Then the next words out of your mouth are: "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME! HOW! DO YOU SEE I HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP NOW? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Then you promptly list your two-year-old on Craigslist as being for sale. You take fantasy football too seriously.
- You've ended friendships - Hey, friendships have been ended over less. However, if your lifelong buddy beats you and claims the championship trophy for himself and you let him know, in no uncertain terms, that if he ever speaks to you again, you will burn his house down and kick him in the groin, you probably take fantasy football too seriously.
- You stop working - There are estimates that fantasy football costs businesses billions of dollars every year in lost production because employees just sit and their desks and obsess over their lineups instead of working. So, if you're one of those people, you need to get a clue. Do that stuff on your lunch hour. If you've been fired over fantasy football, wow! And if you've voluntarily quit your job to concentrate on your fantasy team full-time, you need to get a life and a reality-check. You take fantasy football too seriously.
- You've attempted to hack your opponents password - You're so desperate for a win or to make the playoffs that you try to sign in and change your opponent's roster at the last minute. And you try to make it look good, too. Like switching kickers or defenses. Like, you're not only low enough to try to cheat, but you want to cover your tracks too. Face it, you're scum. Fantasy football isn't for you. However, just in case you want to try this, an amazing number of fantasy players use their wife's name or child's birthday as their fantasy password. Just sayin'.
- You can't eat - Losing at fantasy football actually destroys your appetite, like if you're mother died or something. You just sit there and lament your sad state and refuse to eat like a child throwing a fit over the fact he got peas instead of carrots. You take fantasy football too seriously.
- You cheer when your opponents players get seriously injured - This is my personal favorite. So your opponent has Tom Brady and during the first quarter of the first game of the season, Brady's knee is blown out by a defender and he's out for the season. You actually cheer. Concussions make you really happy. Permanent fatal injuries are your dream. You are one sick puppy. Bonus points for calling your opponent up and rubbing his face in it. "Dude, you started Michael Vick. Didn't you know he was going to have his spleen ripped in two by that linebacker? He's practically dead, man! You started a dead guy!" That being said, be careful with Michael Vick. He gets hit a lot.
- You cry - Losing a fantasy football match makes you weep - like shed real tears.
- You check for score updates while driving - It's not enough that you can basically check scores every second of every day from a cell phone or other device, you actually have to do so while in a moving vehicle and you're at the wheel. Bonus points if you check those scores while your driving other people around. Double bonus points if your kids are in the car. Triple bonus points if you've wrecked your car while checking your fantasy score. Quadruple bonus points if you've wrecked your care while checking your fantasy score after you've already won because you want to see if your kicker poured on some post-victory gravy.
- You pray to God - Imagine you're God for a second. You have lots of stuff going on. You're trying to cure cancer, stop global warming, feed starving children, determine if you should blast Rush Limbaugh with a bolt of lightning. But then there's Bob in Pittsburgh who has devoted his prayer time to ask you to make sure his fantasy football team pulls out a victory because it will give him that league championship he's long coveted. If you're God, do you not smite Bob and give him a horrible disease?
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