13 Golfing Taboo's You Need to Avoid
This piece is about golf, golf courses and fans of golf. Simple. I like simple. I know that you do also because there are way too many complexities in our world as it is. So to refresh us as to the origin of golf, let's look at a historical piece that deals with this sport that rivals that of MLB (should I explain?) in America.
The modern game of golf is generally considered to be a "Scottish "invention" spokesman for the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, one of the oldest Scottish golf organizations, said "Stick and ball games have been around for many centuries, but golf as we know it today, played over 18 holes, clearly originated in Scotland." The word golf, in "Scots language" Scots gowf, is usually thought to be a Scots alteration of Dutch language Dutch "colf" or "colve" meaning "stick, "club", "bat", itself related to the "Proto-Germanic language" as found in "Old Norse meaning " (instrument) "bell clapper", "German language "Mace club)" or club". "Kolven" refers to a related sport.
If you ask me
I have an opinion on golf and it's of a two-sided sword: I have learned over the years to like, not love, golf, but that same annoying area with golf as it does MLB (no explanation needed) still remains: Slow-to-make a play. If I happen to be watching a golf tournament (or "tourney" as golf experts say) that features Paula Creamer and Michelle Wie, and they are about to make a four-foot putt to "go even" (See? I have picked up a few golfing terms) and they squat, stand, pick a few blades of grass, then consult with their well-paid caddy, then go back and "address" the ball and maybe after five more minutes they strike the ball, the crowd goes wild but not before I yell, "Just hit it, girl! You only have five million bucks to lose!"
Why did Wie or Creamer or maybe Greg Norman miss a crucial shot? Many factors pop to mind, but in Arnold Palmer's day, no matter what noise or distraction, "Arnie," always made his putt either long or short and the crowd loved him. Still do. I do.
But to help those of you who have never attended a professional golf "tourney" in person, please humor me as you hopefully will read this hub that I call . . .
13 Golfing Taboo's You Need to Avoid
"Hey, Ken! You published more female golfer photos than you did of famous guy golfers," you protest.
"You are correct," I reply. "And here is my reason":
"I do not think that female golfers get enough credit for what they all have had to endure to be where they are today."
Eating - - snacks such as potato chips; pretzels; and yes, even delicious popcorn. Why? Simply put. Chips and pretzels make an awful lot of nerve-biting noise and while popcorn does not make any sound while being eaten, if you should get one of the husks from a kernel of popcorn lodged somewhere in your upper throat, this will lead to you hacking and coughing as if you were choking and this along with the chips and pretzels should be eaten at home. Or in your RV.
Harmless Pranks - - are definitely a no, no, if you are a part of the crowd at a golf tournament. Canned air horns, bull horns, pinching other members of the crowd to cause them to yell in fright are strictly forbidden. Leave the "monkey business" to the monkeys. Enjoy watching Michelle Wie or Paula Creamer make those beautiful legs, errr, I mean long shots to the green. (Sorry, I get distracted when I write about pretty females).
Releasing - - live garden snakes, mongoose, and wolverines are strictly against the rules of being a crowd member at a golf tournament. Someone might get bit and if you are arrested, you could see a jail sentence and a hefty lawsuit put on you by the victim of this life-threatening animal bite.
Making Gestures - - (this is to both male and female crowd members at a golf tournament) to the golfer whom you dream about is not recommended. Not that this is a dangerous or life-threatening gesture (e.g. blowing kisses with your lips and hands or "mouthing" I love you) is that dangerous, it might cause your "dream boat" golfer to miss a key shot and not take home a check that is worth more than your home, car, and college fund you have tucked away for your children.
The Use of - - pea shooters (remember those?) as well as air pistols to shoot the rumps of your favorite golfer's competition will get you arrested and laughed at by the announcers calling the match over CBS or some other powerful television network. Now would you really want your wife and kids to see you hauled away in handcuffs by the police and thousands of golf fans pointing at you and laughing? I would think not. Leave things like this to your annual office Christmas party.
Loud Bodily Noises - - such as passing gas, burping, sneezing, and loud coughing (hacking) are not dangerous to life or limb of others, but if you do these natural things you will get a stern look and a cursing out to boot. Plus you will be called a few vulgar names for your childish behavior.
Blowing Up - - balloons and then slowly letting the air in them escape making a high-pitch whistling falls into the category of canned air horns as it will definitely cause a terrible disturbance. Do not do this or else face a well-trained team of security employees whose job is is to keep troublemakers like you off of the green. And these guys make Hollywood Hulk Hogan look like yours truly by way of physical body.
Playing Musical Instruments - - such as a ukulele, banjo, flute, guitar, harmonica or other musical instruments that you can carry without a set of moving hand-trucks are not allowed on any golf grounds. Oh, you might think you are musically talented, but others at this golf tourney could care less. They are there for one reason: To watch and enjoy a good golf match.
If You Are Friends - - with the hot, sexy Hollywood film star, Jessica Alba, (see photo at bottom) good for you! But bringing her with you to The Masters to show her off to other envious guys is not acceptable--unless she agrees to not talk to anyone in the crowd or wink at any of the golfers.
Physical Exhibitions - - namely, cartwheels, jumping jacks, push-up's, a floor exercise or weight lifting will get you kicked out of the golf tourney that you are attending and I do mean quickly.
Do Not - - try to sneak tobacco products, cigarettes, cigars, pipes, or chewing tobacco into a golf tournament and start to use them. Most golf clubs today are smokeless properties and you will be asked (nicely) first by tournament employees to stop using the tobacco product immediately and if you do not adhere to their warning, get ready to have your butt kicked by the security employees and sent packing.
Absolutely No - - firearms: handguns, shotguns, rifles, or pellet rifles are ever allowed at any golf tournament. Are you that unlearned as to have me write this for you?
You Are Forbidden - - to start stripping down to your "birthday suit," while at or the back of the crowd of golf fans who love to watch golfing in person. These people have paid big, hard-earned money for their tickets to just stand in the hot sun to watch the golfing personalities, and they do not care about you or your nude girth that just happens to have a "spare tire" or two attached.
Now if you have read these golfing taboo's and cannot do any of them, you can join me as we yell to the top of our lungs, "Fore!"
Good night, Henderson, Tennessee. Population 6,488 in 2013.
© 2016 Kenneth Avery
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