13 Ways For YOU To Be An Expert Fisherman (or Woman)
Ladies and Gentlemen, American folk singer, icon, Woody Guthrie
THIS SEGMENT IS DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND: GISELLE MAINE. More Exciting Moments in Fishing
"Hi, this is Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, icon, with a sing-along to help my friend, Kenneth Avery, with this hub." Are you ready?
"This land is your land. This land is my land. From the Gulf Stream waters to the New York Islands . . .this land was made for you and me . . ."
Before we get started, let's check-in on our good pal, the "Tree Stump Philospher," "Jake Root," wise senior citizen and expert fisherman.
"Hello, fishermen and women. This is "Jake Root," the "Tree Stump Philosopher," wise senior citizen and expert fisherman--coming to you from my lavish den that I built from the many bass tournaments I won over the years. And now I have a letter to share from one of my many fans.
The letter reads . . ."Dear Jake, I am at my wit's end. I have started fishing on weekends for relaxation. I have already spent upwards of $12,000 on a boat, fishing gear and supplies, and have yet to catch one fish. It's frustrating to come home to my lovely wife, "Alice," (who is so sweet that honey bees swarm around her mouth), and hear her ask, "Jake, catch any today?" I hold my head down in shame and wash-up for supper. "Jake, I don't know what to do. I drop my hook in just the right place in the water and wait for hours and no bites while those around me are filling their live-wells up with those lovely large mouth bass and others, but me? I am lost. Can you offer me any advice?" Signed, "Fishing Failure in Fairbanks, Georgia." Sure. "Dear Fishing Failure, you say you drop your hook in the water and still don't get any bites? Have you ever considered putting a lure or live bait on the hook before you drop it in the water?" Ahhh, those amateur fishermen. Okay, until next time. This is "Jake Root," the "Tree Stump Philosopher," wise senior citizen and expert fisherman, bidding you farewell and fair fishing.
(this links to Woody Guthrie's song above) . . .From coast-to-coast, border-to-border, somewhere, someone is fishing. Fishing from a creek bank, from a flat-bottom boat, a $40,000-dollar bass boat and even fly-fishing in Missouri. What an ideal hobby fishing has been since the time of Jesus while He walked on earth.
And even "this" piece can be lovingly-called a "fish tale," because it has everything to do with fishing and why we love it so much.
Personally, I am not a fisherman. I used to try to fish when I was a boy when my dad and I would go to a lake and spend the day bonding in the summer sun and I would just "feed the fish," by letting them eat all of my bait which in those days was a redworm.
My dad was an excellent fisherman. With our without a rod and reel. He knew when to "set his hook," when a "big one" bit and when to let his bait drift to the bottom of the lake to attract the "bigger ones" that he was sure to not let get away. I admired my dad for his natural talent of fishing. He had a world of patience and I would have "given" the world for patience.
Coincidentally, in economic terms, thousands upon thousands of dollars are invested by men and women who are professional bass fishermen? That's right, pupils. Men who are now famous for their bass fishing prowess such as: Bill Dance, Roland Martin and Kevin Van Dam have made literal fortunes by catching the biggest or most bass in tournaments that are held across the United States.
And if that wasn't good enough, these men also had their own television shows where they taught people like me the secrets of bass fishing while the companies who sponsored their shows sent them a hefty check each week for mentioning their names. Want some samples? Ranger bass boats, Zebco reels, and numerous companies whose lures these bass pro's used to catch the "trophy-class" fish that made them famous and wealthy.
Now if I were to take-up the hobby, as it were, of fishing again, I wouldn't spend all of my money on expensive gear to catch fish. All I would need is one cane pole, a fishing license, a shady spot on a desolate creek bank and I would be happy. If I were blessed with a stringer-full of fish or not, I would be happy.
And depending on how hungry I was, I would keep a few Blue gill, Bream and Perch to eat while knowing that I was "nature's friend," by turning fish loose than I took home with me. It's the right thing to do.
If you are one of those people, man or woman, whose heart has a place to learn how to catch fish, but you always meet with disaster, take heart. I have your well-being in mind.
I have put together a list of "13 Ways You Can Be an Expert Fisherman," so do not tell your competitive-buddies, or they might embarrass you on your next fishing trip. Just keep these "secrets" in mind and enjoy a day of "reeling-in" those "monster" fish that will make you the envy of every fisherman around. And for the ladies, I will address you as "fisherpersons."
FRIENDLY WARNING: if you follow my tips and become an expert fisher-person overnight, I must tell you that the following things will happen to you . . .
- You'll get a swelled-head from the pride of out-doing your buddies when you go fishing with them.
- Your wife will grow jealous from the many winks and sultry looks that you get from those perky, hot, girls I like to call, "fishing groupies."
- You will have an overwheming urge to quit your job and fish all day, everyday and never darken the door to your office ever again.
- You may get so involved with being a successful fisherman that you forget your children's names.
- Your church pastor will grow concerned at your not coming to worship services and visit you at your fishing hole to have a "spiritual talk" with you.
- Members of HubPages will use you for a subject of countless fishing-related hubs.
You've been warned.
Now you can read my list of "13 Ways You Can Be an Expert Fisherman"
1.) Always keep your successful fishing methods a secret. I know that this means losing a few buddies, but which had you rather have, the joy of catching fish everytime you go fishing or a buddy that you never really liked anyway?
2.) Never miss an issue of Field and Stream. Forget the "field"and focus on the "stream."
3.) Attend (without telling anyone but your wife), every fishing seminar within driving-distance.
4.) Practice makes perfect. Go on lots of "trial run" secret fishing trips to try out those new fishing lures and secrets you have learned.
5.) Visit local Bass Pro Shops and "act" as though you are a customer, but you are only listening to conversations among "real" fishermen telling where is the best spot for bass and which bait works the best.
6.) Practice the virtue of patience often. Lay on your stomach flat on the ground and time a snail to see how long it takes for it to reach its destination.
7.) Use your fenced-in back yard for practicing your casting talents you have learned from reruns of the Bill Dance Fishing Show. If your buddies sneak up on you, just say, "I was checking to see if I could hit that gopher with my Zebco 300 Cast-Master to give it a sporting chance.
8.) Tell your little grandson or nephews that you are going to "teach" them some outdoor survival skills by camping near a lake where you have checked ahead of time to see if the fishing is good. This will throw-off what nosy buddies who may want to track you down when you go fishing.
9.) Always take the wife with you on your fishing exploration trips. Why? This will serve two purposes: A. she will be so over-joyed at your including her in your fishing trips that, well, let's just say you might have some hot times in the Sears tent at your fishing hole and B. She will never accuse you of anything with anyone. I know what I'm talking about.
10.) Video your new fishing lures and methods that you learn from the out-of-town fishing seminars. But do not, at any cost, share them with any of your buddies if you want to keep your title of "Fisher King of The Neighborhood."
11.) Always remain focused on your fishing no matter what. Practice focusing on your fishing secrets by visiting your local Hooter's and only look at your plate filled with hotwings. This is in case that a Miss Fishing Beauty Contest, with hot chicks dressed in bikini's, is held at the same lake where you are spending the weekend catching those prize-winning bass.
12.) Always maintain a relaxed state of mind and body. No one has ever caught many fish while they were tense and nervous. Try napping with your fishing rod duct-taped to your hand. When the "big one" hits the lure, it will wake you in time to look like a real fishing expert to innocent bystanders.
13.) When using live bait such as redworms or rooster livers, "act" like an old pro and try not to let your weak stomach get the best of you.
And if you are successful with these now-published fishing secrets, I only ask for a dinner invite and a plate of fresh fish, hushpuppies and ice tea as my only payment for making you "Mr. Fishing Pro," envied by amateur and professional fishermen alike.
Taking a prize bass off the hook
More by this Author
Sometimes the obvious is the answer.
Yes, even superstar Ronda Rousey has a limit.
Riding with Dr. Thompson was not boring, but now it's over.