18 Things That Are Strictly-Forbidden When Visiting Bowling Alleys

Bowling, in Brief

• Bowling refers to a series of sports or leisure activities in which a player rolls or throws a bowling ball towards a target. In pin bowling variations, the target is usually to knock over pins at the end of a lane. In target variations, the aim is usually to get the ball as close to a mark as possible. The pin version of bowling is often played on a flat wooden or other synthetic surface, whilst in target bowling, the surface may be grass, gravel or a synthetic surface.
• The most common types of pin bowling include ten-pin, nine-pin, candlepin, duckpin and five-pin bowling, while in target bowling, bowls, bocce, carpet bowls, pétanque and boules, both indoor and outdoor varieties, are popular. Today, the sport of bowling is enjoyed by 100 million people in more than 90 countries worldwide.

Source: WikiPedia Free Encyclopedia

My wife of 40 years, June of 2015, lived in Adrian, Michigan in her pre-teen years and did not like the cultural-change of going to Adrian from Hamilton, Alabama. People and things in this Michigan town were different. But since her dad had been blessed with a great-paying job at one of the factories near Adrian, Pam learned to "go with the flow."

One of the things Pam was excited about in Adrian were the bowling alleys, two I think. She regaled me of how her and her family and friends from church would make bowling a weekly-event on Saturday evenings and many times after church. It was a great way to keep families bonded and staying close to one another.

I would listen as Pam told all about her bowling days and then one night, she did it. Something that I had feared from the day we met. A question that caused me shame galore. "Kenny, have you ever went bowling?"

• NOTE: this part is all true--every phrase, description and thought. For in the flash of a moment, our beautiful world stopped turning, my face burned hot and took on the color red, the designated color of natural embarrassment. My hands shook. Small sweat droplets began trickling down my neck past my Hanes briefs and into the seat area. I felt isolated and singled-out for I was.

"Uhhh, no, sweetie," I answered. "Why? It's great fun," she replied. Then the answer which was as embarrassing as her asking me if had ever went bowling. "Uhh, Pam. It's just that I was never good at things like that." "You got to trust yourself," she stated and I knew she was right.

I never told her the other reason why I never went bowling until we had been married for three years. Silly, yes. Believable, I guess.

"Pam," I said slowly. "The overall-reason why I have never went bowling was . . .uhhh, I feared that my thumb or fingers would become stuck in the ball." She laughed mildly. I was relieved that she knew the whole truth of my aversion to bowling.

We never spoke of bowling that much from that moment. Oh yes, she would mention it sometimes when we talked of how our grandkids were growing up. And as I type this story on Wednesday, Feb. 4, I have a secret project. When our weather gets warmer, I might get Pam to go with me and our grandkids to bowl. Oh, I might fall on the floor and be a walking embarrassment, but I believe that the memories we make will be worth it.

But sadly, if you have followed my hubs, I have a list that follows to help you and I when we "hit the alleys," as veteran bowlers say, and I call this piece:

18 Things That Are Strictly-Forbidden While Visiting Bowling Alleys

18.) Using double-barrel shotguns to shoot the bowling balls when they leave the bowler's hands.

17.) Getting ripped on whiskey and stumbling into the lanes; falling then passing out.

16.) Yelling profanities at the opposing team if you are in a bowling league.

15.) Making lude passes at pretty women who are with a church league.

14.) Running footraces up and down the lanes barefoot.

13.) Playing heavy metal music way too loud on your portable CD player.

12.) Eating huge amounts of pizza and tossing the crusts on the shiny floor.

11.) Riding your Harley inside the bowling alley as if no one would mind.

10.) Making outrageous demands of the bowling alley manager such as: "Bring us some oysters."

9.) Doing Mexican Hat Dances with your girlfriend during a serious professional bowling match.

8.) Using fireworks to get the attention of innocent bystanders.

7.) Throwing water on the bowling lanes to see the bowlers slide down on their butts.

6.) Smoking "weed" and then walking around the alley just like a mindless zombie.

5.) Trying to get the teenage concession stand manager to "give" you free snacks.

4.) If the cops come inside, verbally dare them to catch you and start running around the alley.

3.) Screaming like a wild native in the Amazon jungles and frighten people as if you have went mad.

2.) Swinging from the rafters of the bowling alley and yell, "I am Tarzan of The Apes! Look at me."

1.) Turn your pet Boa Constrictor loose if there is a huge crowd in the bowling alley.

Good luck and just know that I do not have the cash to pay your bail.