Top 5 Reasons Why The Green Bay Packers are "America's Team"
Thankfully, recent developments have shown that this hub may no longer be necessary. While I've been bemoaning the absurdity of the multi-million dollar showboat team the Dallas Cowboys possessing the moniker of "America's Team" for years now, an online poll now indicates that America has finally caught up to my very advanced way of thinking, and would today reward the honorary title to a team far more deserving.
However, evil prevails when good men do nothing and the dark ages may yet again occur, hence this hub yet requires publishing. God forbid we once again slip into the mire of darkness and insanity that once reigned in 1978, when the accursed Cowboys gave themselves that coveted label through self-promotion and slanted propaganda. An age of enlightenment is upon us, my friends, in which our eyes are opened and the truth has been revealed for all to see, that the Green Bay Packers, and no one else, is America's Team.
Of course, there are those fanatics who refuse to accept the wheels of change, who cry foul play despite the unquestionable scientific validity of online polls, men such as Brad Berry of the Bleacher Report who insists that TV ratings* somehow determine truth, and that due to the very same criteria he finds unreliable in elevating the Packers to titular greatness (statistical analysis), the Dallas Cowboys should retain their absurdly misaligned trophy.
To Mr. Berry and the depraved adherents of his philosophy I ask: What is Star Wars without Darth Vader? The Silence of the Lambs without Hannibal Lecter? The Divine Comedy without Satan? People love to root against the villain nearly as much as they love to root for the hero, and by watching televised Dallas football, mankind can exercise that most noble of activities: Cheering, hoping, and praying for the utter annihilation of a pure manifestation of evil.
*Apparently the Cowboys are America's most watched team. Whoopty-doo.
1. Lombardi and the Trophy that Bears his Name
Yes, I've heard the criticisms, and the criticisms are true: Vince Lombardi was a lousy father, a disciplinarian whose methods bordered on tyrannical and a man whose obsession with work resulted in marital and familial strife. But where Lombardi failed within his true family, he absolutely succeeded in his football family. The dominance of the 1960-67 Green Bay Packers, exemplified by three NFL championships and two Super Bowls, was largely due to an environment of relational unity which Lombardi encouraged and instilled in his team. There were no prima donnas in Lombardi's Packers, rather there was a unified front of equals whose minimization of internal conflict helped result in the decisive pummeling of opposing teams. Lombardi had zero tolerance regarding racism, a stance which, at the time, was hardly widespread, and which undoubtedly helped pave the way for a policy of inclusiveness towards young men of all minorities within the National Football League (granted, of course, that the young men are huge, ripped, and athletically talented). Given his talent, charisma, and boot-camp-like work ethic, that most coveted of awards, the one trophy in which the entire season of professional football rests, was named after Mr. Lombardi. A little math should clarify things:
Green Bay coach + Super Bowl trophy= Green Bay Packers are rightful owners of said trophy.
2. By the People, for the People
Of the 32 teams within the NFL, only one can boast democratic ideals defining its very core. As sportswriter Patrick Hruby so eloquently states: "Since 1923, Green Bay has been the only publicly owned, nonprofit major professional sports team in the nation. And that doesn't just make the franchise a charming anachronism, or the answer to a barstool trivia question. It makes them an example. A case study. A working model for a better way to organize and administer pro sports."
What more needs to be said? Any argument regarding team superiority within the U.S. can be effectively won by this little tidbit of info, so holster it, and keep it at ready Green Bay fans.
3. The House that Curly Built
One look at Jerry Jones' billion-dollar shrine to over-consumption should more than convince fans of how divorced from true America the Cowboys franchise really is, and when compared to the spartan, open-air stadium of Lambeau field, the excess and greed of the organization become even more apparent.
There exist two sides to this grand experiment called America. On one hand, there is the monstrous, money-motivated behemoth that relishes in super-sized meals, belching 8-cylinder engines, and a luxuriant, self-pampering lifestyle espoused by entertainments purveyors everywhere. And then, there is the country defined by contentment in the good things of life and a blue-collar work ethic that can be found in steel foundries, dairy farms, and meat-packing plants all over these United States.
So I ask you, who better represents the majority of U.S. citizens? The back-stabbing, multi-millionaire sleazebag J.R. Ewing? Or the guy who barely scraped up enough cash to found the greatest team in all of football history...the stalwart Curly Lambeau?
That sickening dome in Dallas is the very picture of fat cat capitalism, of a pampered, spoiled team more concerned with image than anything else. And what of Lambeau? Ancient, affordable, and hallowed, it is like a gladiator's arena sans a corrupt Roman empire, like a gleaming gem of purity in a cesspool of depravity, like the image of an untarnished heavenly realm amidst the desolate, sin-wracked fires of hell.
4. The Philosophy of Football Ethics
The cheapest beer a fan can get at an NFL stadium is priced at 5.25$. The most expensive beer a fan can get at an NFL stadium is priced at 8.00$. The defending Super-Bowl champs with the open-air stadium that is owned by Green Bay fans charge you 5.25$, while the flaming-train wreck Cowboys with the stadium containing a screen bigger than your house owned by a multi-billionaire charge you 8.00$. I rest my case.
5. Sheer Numbers of Awesomeness
Founded in 1919, the Green Bay Packers are the oldest NFL franchise in continuous operation with the same name in the same location.
The Green Bay Packers have won thirteen league championships, more than any other team in the NFL.
They are only team to win three consecutive NFL titles (And they did it twice, first from 1929-31 under Lambeau and then from 1965-67 under Lombardi).
They are only NFC North team to sweep its division.
Every Packers game at Lambeau field has been sold out since 1960. (As a side note concerning our superior fandom, ESPN in 2008 deemed Green Bay's fans as being the second best fans in the NFL, losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers. While initially tied for first place, Green Bay lost the tiebreaker to the vote of ESPN's John Clayton, a Pittsburgh native and hence utterly biased and unreliable and most likely bought off by the despicable and near-Satanic Pittsburgh Steelers in a vain hope to tarnish the image of the impeccably perfect Green Bay Packers).
The Packers have the second-most number of players in the Pro Football Hall of Fame with twenty-one. They trail THEY WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED by a mere six.
I could, of course, go on and on, regaling you with astounding tales of the prowess and tradition stemming from the most superior and praise-worthy organization in all of sports history, but unless you have brainwashed by some weird cult, my words here have been more than sufficient to convince you of my airtight thesis: The Packers are America's Team and all who disagree are in league with the forces of evil.
Come to the light.
Clasp hands with goodness and truth.
Believe in the Packers.
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