A Humorous Look at How to Host a Sports Event Party
The Fine Art of Sports Spectating
When most people think of the average sports fan, they are inevitably confronted by the mental image of some paint-splattered, half-naked, drunken heathen whooping and hollering his confession to the world that he's managed to lose the good sense God gave him to put his clothes on in a blizzard. They do not give this creature nearly the credit he so richly deserves. At best, they may think of him as a pot-bellied, beer guzzling, arm-chair quarterback lying around in his underwear blissfully dispersing his contribution to global warming with prodigious abandon. But the true sports fan is a rare breed and has perfected his art to a degree rarely achieved by man. He is a man of vision and foresight, capable of tremendous dedication and single-minded devotion, and his capacity for loyalty is legendary.
Should you aspire to the lofty heights of this noble
creature, be prepared for total sacrifice. The pinnacle will be
surmounted only after tramping over family, friends and country. Let us consider how best to approach this lofty pinnacle.
Your first consideration will be the medium upon which to practice your craft. There are many to choose from (each with its own merits), and within each is a myriad of techniques and styles you can adopt to suit your personal tendencies. For instance, you can go all out and attend a professional event at a state-of-the-art coliseum, or simply take a leisurely stroll to the neighborhood playground and take in a friendly pick-up game among the local jocks, to name just a couple. For lack of time and space, I will confine my exposition to the single most common medium in use today: the television set. And I will further narrow it down for you by concentrating on the popular discipline of watching a sporting event at home, joined by a few friends.
Now that the medium and venue are settled, let us turn our attention to some of the other fundamentals of this exacting science. What follows is a brief discussion of some of the key issues that must be seen to in preparation for the event.
First, prepare a guest list well in advance and insist that your invitees respond to the invitation at least a week before the designated date. This will enable you to determine what supplies will be needed and in what quantities. It is also essential to the next step.
Remember that preparation is the key to success. Buy all necessities beforehand. Beverages and snacks should be purchased days in advance and in plentiful quantities. There is nothing worse than having to go on a beer run in the middle of an exciting game, so overstock your anticipated needs. Make a list so that nothing is forgotten. The only thing possibly worse than having to go on a beer run in the middle of an exciting game is having to rush to the nearest gas station in the middle of an exciting game because you've run out of toilet paper.
Your home's space is limited, therefore, limit also the number of guests. Keep it down to a manageable riot. An overcrowded setting can easily ruin the experience not only for yourself, but for your friends as well. This is no time to invite your boss over for a little brown-nosing, or the new neighbor either. If you invite someone whose lifestyle and personal habits are unfamiliar to you, you may end up tiptoeing around some prude and spend the whole time trying not to offend him. On the other hand, if you're the prude, you may get stuck with some cigar-chomping, whiskey-swilling, obscenity-spewing Mafia turncoat in the Witness Protection Program who's decided to bring along the “goils” he just met on the street corner. It should go without saying that your party should be comprised of people whose company you enjoy and who, likewise, take pleasure in your company. What may not be so obvious is the need to make certain that the group you assemble is equally simpatico with each other. This may take some thought and a little research on your part, but it will be well worth the effort.
Which leads to the following point. How you handle the seating arrangements is of absolute importance and can only be resolved by you. The subtleties and intricacies of your friends' social interactions and how they affect you, can only be determined by you alone. There may, for instance, be two friends who, individually, are dear to you, but together you find to be unbearable boors. So, you can either assign everyone a seat or allow open seating, depending on your personal knowledge. Either way, do not hesitate to set aside the best seat in the house for yourself; it is your right. You deserve it, and make sure that everyone understands it. By the way, should you decide to go with the free-for-all seating, just kick back and watch the game of musical chairs. This may turn out to be the best entertainment of the day, especially if you're planning to watch a Kimbo Slice fight.
So that you can focus on the side attractions and the game itself, remember that ignorance is bliss. No emergency in the world can drag you away from your game if you are unaware of it, so disconnect the phone.
Now for some technical issues. Ascertain, well in advance, the time, date and channel on which the anticipated event will be broadcast. Conduct a thorough inspection of your television set, checking to make sure that everything is in good working order, including any and all peripherals (remote control, cable, satellite dish, recorder, etc.) and that the set is equipped to received the required station. If it's a pay per view broadcast, handle all the financial considerations at least a week before the due date. Do not forget to pay the cable and utility bills. Make sure you have enough TVs. If you are anything like me, there will be a variety of games and matches of interest to you taking place in concurrence with the main attraction. If not, rest assured that several of your guests will have an interest in these other events. So, to avoid having to switch back and forth from channel to channel, set up at least one extra set so that, during commercials, time outs and half time, you can get caught up with the rest of the action taking place in the wide world of sports. Who knows, you may even pick up a gratuitous tip on how to escape those pesky sand traps.
Last but not least, be a good coach. The novice fanatic assumes it essential to rid himself of his immediate family (if he is married) or girlfriend (if he is single) for the entire day in order to fully indulge himself. He crudely resorts to bribes or even threats as a means to his ends. While this may indeed free him from his ball and chain for a while, he is unwittingly squandering a precious resource that, if properly tapped, could greatly enhance the occasion. The accomplished fan knows that a well trained staff is indispensable to a successful holiday. He has groomed his loved ones throughout the year in anticipation for just such an event. They have learned how much he enjoys the occasional respite from the rigors of everyday life and are eager to participate in the observance of his rites. If he has done his job well, someone will be there to fetch his drinks and snacks, cook the food, answer the door, see to his guests, clean up on isle three, etc.. In short, he will not have to lift a finger and can now simply relax and enjoy the fruits of his labors. He won't even have to worry about cleaning up the mess afterward.
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