A List of Things Not to Do at Any SprintCup/NASCAR Race
How about that "Matt?"
Ahhh, what a time you had when your longest and best friend, "Matt," convinced you to accompany him to a SprintCup Race on "that" Sunday when you made a verbal error in letting it slip that "you were not doing anything special." You have prayed many times you had not said this to "Matt."
But since "Matt," has been your best buddy since junior high, you decided to just "go with" what he was saying about "these" exciting races that draw millions of fans in the grandstand and on television. You are a deep, analytical thinker and your main thought was: "Matt" would not lead me wrong and take me somewhere that I would encounter danger and possibly bodily-injury." "Matt," does have a special gift of over-simplifying any situation. Oh, if you had only remembered this.
"Matt" is very excited.
During the week leading up to the Saturday when you and "Matt," were to leave early that Saturday morning on your way to your first SprintCup race, "Matt," called your house a grand-total of 24 times. Talk about excitement. He seems more excited than you.
On the way to the race which turns out was a two-hour drive to somewhere in North Carolina, one of the early homes of NASCAR, "Matt" talks and talks all the way to the raceway. He gets on your nerves with his knowledge about "America's Favorite Sport," but since you and "Matt" are best buddies, you look beyond his uncontrollable excitement. Incidentally, you are like this when you get a new stamp for your stamp collection. One way of knowing that "Matt" loves NASCAR is that he demanded that his friends call him "Matt," as his nick-name, after Matt Kenseth, one of the NASCAR drivers.
The raceway is packed-to-the-rim with people dressed in Jeff Gordon caps, Kyle Busch tee-shirts, and the majority of the fans are wearing sunglasses and holding on securely to a cold beer in their hand. Typical, you think. And this is your first SprintCup race. You must be clairvoyant.
Was NASCAR all that you thought it would be?
You and "Matt," zoom through the ticket line, find your seats and settle-in for an afternoon of exciting NASCAR racing that is guaranteed to make a deep impression on you. Even now you are loosening-up a bit. Even laughing with a few fans sitting around you and "Matt." You chuckle to yourself that all of of your dreading this day was all for nothing. You are now feeling like you have been a part of the NASCAR following for years.
"Matt" leaves for a moment, then returns with two cold beers. One for him. One for you. He does have a way of surprising people. You and "Matt" touch cans in a toast that this will be a great day and you take a long swig of the cold liquid that seems to have a grip on most of this crowd that is now growing rowdy and chanting, "Let's start rac--ing" almost in perfect harmony.
One important thing: You, for some reason, forget that you are NOT an alcohol-drinker. The booze does strange things to your metabolism and way you think and act. You vanish for an hour or two. The race has long since started and now "Matt" is worried sick about you.
Then "Matt's" cell phone rings. It is the country sheriff's office calling to let him know that he can come and bail you out of his jail. That's right. Jail. What a shameful display of vulgar behavior you showed everyone while the beer was in your veins.
If only you had taken time to read
The List of Dangerous Things Not to Do at Any SprintCup/NASCAR Race
- Flirting with the NASCAR officials girlfriends or wives.
- Hiding in the pits in one of the driver's RV's and then cleaning-out his cabinets of available snacks.
- Dressing like a member of your favorite driver's pit crew and as you act like you know what to do when your favorite driver rolls in, your stupidity causes your driver to get lapped twice.
Trying to out-run on foot the group of cars speeding down the track at almost 200 mph.
- Yelling at a redneck on top of his camper, "Hey, panty waist! Move this pile of rust so I can see the race?"
- Telling the fans who are allowed in the pits that you are Jeff Gordon and your car, No. 24, is in for mechanical repair.
- Doing impressions of Tony Stewart to his pit crew and NASCAR officials.
- Stripping off your clothing and run nude through the crowd yelling, "Catch me if you can!"
- Taking a couple's hot lunch away from them and laughing at them as you run away.
- Writing graffiti on the side of the buildings at the racetrack and acting on a dare, you start writing vulgar graffiti on the sides of the RV's parked in the in-field.
- Dressing-up in a gorilla suit to torment the crowd as well as the men in the pit area.
- Starting fights with drunk strangers is not a thing to do.
- Throwing rocks, bottles, or tire irons at drivers you hate. (Besides, that is Tony Stewart's job).
- Taking a hose that is attached to a gas pump and start squirting gasoline in the air and even on people who are working near you.
- Jumping over the wall and into the driver's car in just the right time before he speeds back to the track.
- Cursing-out Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and waking-up with a black eye, a broken jaw, and fractured rib or two.
- Falling fast asleep in Denny Hamlin's RV and not waking-up until the next day.
Using a high-powered water hose to spray water on the crowd. But as it turns out, the crowd loves it and you are voted Citizen of The Year for being the "meekest" race fan at "that" race and the race fan with the "best" behavior.
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