A List of Things Not to Do at Any SprintCup/NASCAR Race

80's NASCAR legend, "Dollar" BIll Elliott.
80's NASCAR legend, "Dollar" BIll Elliott.
Jimmy Johnson drives around racetrack holding the flag of that racetrack.
Jimmy Johnson drives around racetrack holding the flag of that racetrack.

How about that "Matt?"

Ahhh, what a time you had when your longest and best friend, "Matt," convinced you to accompany him to a SprintCup Race on "that" Sunday when you made a verbal error in letting it slip that "you were not doing anything special." You have prayed many times you had not said this to "Matt."

But since "Matt," has been your best buddy since junior high, you decided to just "go with" what he was saying about "these" exciting races that draw millions of fans in the grandstand and on television. You are a deep, analytical thinker and your main thought was: "Matt" would not lead me wrong and take me somewhere that I would encounter danger and possibly bodily-injury." "Matt," does have a special gift of over-simplifying any situation. Oh, if you had only remembered this.

These huge tractor-trailer rigs are car transporters that carry the drivers' cars from race to race.
These huge tractor-trailer rigs are car transporters that carry the drivers' cars from race to race.
Danica Patrick, a very popular female NASCAR driver.
Danica Patrick, a very popular female NASCAR driver.
Carl Edwards and the checkered flag are old friends.
Carl Edwards and the checkered flag are old friends.

"Matt" is very excited.

During the week leading up to the Saturday when you and "Matt," were to leave early that Saturday morning on your way to your first SprintCup race, "Matt," called your house a grand-total of 24 times. Talk about excitement. He seems more excited than you.

On the way to the race which turns out was a two-hour drive to somewhere in North Carolina, one of the early homes of NASCAR, "Matt" talks and talks all the way to the raceway. He gets on your nerves with his knowledge about "America's Favorite Sport," but since you and "Matt" are best buddies, you look beyond his uncontrollable excitement. Incidentally, you are like this when you get a new stamp for your stamp collection. One way of knowing that "Matt" loves NASCAR is that he demanded that his friends call him "Matt," as his nick-name, after Matt Kenseth, one of the NASCAR drivers.

The raceway is packed-to-the-rim with people dressed in Jeff Gordon caps, Kyle Busch tee-shirts, and the majority of the fans are wearing sunglasses and holding on securely to a cold beer in their hand. Typical, you think. And this is your first SprintCup race. You must be clairvoyant.

Hugging the line.
Hugging the line.
This is Dale Earnhardt, Jr., a crowd-favorite.
This is Dale Earnhardt, Jr., a crowd-favorite.
Daytona is the first race of the SprintCup/NASCAR seaon and it is always wild.
Daytona is the first race of the SprintCup/NASCAR seaon and it is always wild.
The pit crews work feverishly to get their drivers fueled, tires changed and ready to get back on the track.
The pit crews work feverishly to get their drivers fueled, tires changed and ready to get back on the track.

Was NASCAR all that you thought it would be?

You and "Matt," zoom through the ticket line, find your seats and settle-in for an afternoon of exciting NASCAR racing that is guaranteed to make a deep impression on you. Even now you are loosening-up a bit. Even laughing with a few fans sitting around you and "Matt." You chuckle to yourself that all of of your dreading this day was all for nothing. You are now feeling like you have been a part of the NASCAR following for years.

"Matt" leaves for a moment, then returns with two cold beers. One for him. One for you. He does have a way of surprising people. You and "Matt" touch cans in a toast that this will be a great day and you take a long swig of the cold liquid that seems to have a grip on most of this crowd that is now growing rowdy and chanting, "Let's start rac--ing" almost in perfect harmony.

One important thing: You, for some reason, forget that you are NOT an alcohol-drinker. The booze does strange things to your metabolism and way you think and act. You vanish for an hour or two. The race has long since started and now "Matt" is worried sick about you.

Then "Matt's" cell phone rings. It is the country sheriff's office calling to let him know that he can come and bail you out of his jail. That's right. Jail. What a shameful display of vulgar behavior you showed everyone while the beer was in your veins.

If only you had taken time to read

The List of Dangerous Things Not to Do at Any SprintCup/NASCAR Race

Hugging the curve.
Hugging the curve.
Jeff Gordon, No. 24. Gordon is the four-time Points Chase Champ.
Jeff Gordon, No. 24. Gordon is the four-time Points Chase Champ.
Jimmie Johnson, No. 48.
Jimmie Johnson, No. 48.
Kevin Harvick.
Kevin Harvick.
Kyle Busch, No. 18.
Kyle Busch, No. 18.
A highly-respected logo.
A highly-respected logo.
The Daytona 500 kicks-off the NASCAR season each year.
The Daytona 500 kicks-off the NASCAR season each year.
The driver's pit crew has to work frantically to get the driver back on the track.
The driver's pit crew has to work frantically to get the driver back on the track.
  • Flirting with the NASCAR officials girlfriends or wives.
  • Hiding in the pits in one of the driver's RV's and then cleaning-out his cabinets of available snacks.
  • Dressing like a member of your favorite driver's pit crew and as you act like you know what to do when your favorite driver rolls in, your stupidity causes your driver to get lapped twice.
    Trying to out-run on foot the group of cars speeding down the track at almost 200 mph.
  • Yelling at a redneck on top of his camper, "Hey, panty waist! Move this pile of rust so I can see the race?"
  • Telling the fans who are allowed in the pits that you are Jeff Gordon and your car, No. 24, is in for mechanical repair.
  • Doing impressions of Tony Stewart to his pit crew and NASCAR officials.
  • Stripping off your clothing and run nude through the crowd yelling, "Catch me if you can!"
  • Taking a couple's hot lunch away from them and laughing at them as you run away.
  • Writing graffiti on the side of the buildings at the racetrack and acting on a dare, you start writing vulgar graffiti on the sides of the RV's parked in the in-field.
  • Dressing-up in a gorilla suit to torment the crowd as well as the men in the pit area.
  • Starting fights with drunk strangers is not a thing to do.
  • Throwing rocks, bottles, or tire irons at drivers you hate. (Besides, that is Tony Stewart's job).
  • Taking a hose that is attached to a gas pump and start squirting gasoline in the air and even on people who are working near you.
  • Jumping over the wall and into the driver's car in just the right time before he speeds back to the track.
  • Cursing-out Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and waking-up with a black eye, a broken jaw, and fractured rib or two.
  • Falling fast asleep in Denny Hamlin's RV and not waking-up until the next day.

Using a high-powered water hose to spray water on the crowd. But as it turns out, the crowd loves it and you are voted Citizen of The Year for being the "meekest" race fan at "that" race and the race fan with the "best" behavior.

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Comments 2 comments

Sparklea profile image

Sparklea 18 months ago from Upstate New York

Hi Kenneth, I SO enjoyed this hub because I have been to North Carolina at least twice to see a NASCAR race, and I have seen MANY races on television. Our favorite has always been Jeff Gordon. He will be retiring this year at the end of the season.

We were in his fan club and managed to get to three fan events where I was able to get a photo with him and his autograph. It is framed. I was so excited about that.

Great pictures you have accompanying this delightful and fun read. Love that your friend Matt wants to be called that because of Matt Kenseth!

I assume you must have watched many races because of the pictures you posted. I know most of the drivers.

My interest in Nascar started to wane after the death of Dale Earnhart. In my opinion the races have never been the same...it is as if a link in the chain is missing.

My husband still watches the race, but complains that because of so many new NASCAR rules, a lot of excitement is missing from the races today.

Anyway I loved this piece, and love your originality with your hubs.

Keep entertaining! You are such a unique, gifted and humorous writer.

God bless always, Sparklea


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 18 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Sparklea,

Where do I begin?

Thank you so very much for your sweet and interesting comment. I mean it. I wish that you and I could meet one day and compare NASCAR memories and enjoy a cup of coffee or two.

Seldom do I say this to a female follower for fear she might think that I am a cheap jerk coming onto her. I assure you I am NOT.

I love NASCAR through and through. I hate it that Jeff Gordon is retiring, but he will be a race analyst on Fox, or whatever network carries them.

You keep up the great fan work and let me know what racetrack to meet you and what type of coffee you like.

Or if you prefer, and you are not into coffee, I will get you some refreshing water.

Deal?

And God bless you richly, my friend.

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