ALPHA DOG II -- History of the NBA Finals Part 36

1984

Jake's little brother, (in real life his name was Nicholas), lays buried in the hills of Southern California, miles away from their fat-ass Claremont homes.

The wiggers go down in 1985.

For we aren't even halfway done with the story of Larry Bird Hollywood.

As you know, Hollywood's dad was into the crime world himself to a degree. He would do a few stints in the joint himself both before and after Bruce Willis portrays him.

It was Bruce Auerbach...that gave Jesse James Bird the gumpton to become what he signs on all his basketballs in prison "Alpha Dog".

Larry Bird was the almighty Alpha Dog of the National Basketball Association, particularly from 1984-1987.

Always.

It's Bird...if you notice...who has almost NOTHING TO DO WITH JAKE'S BROTHER'S DEATH.

This was the other guys, trying to show off for him.

The similarities though stop here with Bird and Jesse James Hollywood.

The race tangent simply was not necessary.

The hype, as well as the race factor, though huge and overpowering...were NOT NECESSARY.

Now let's see it through the eyes of 1984. Up until now Larry Bird will always be known as the best of the white players, but he wasn't.

Larry Bird was the best basketball player.

Period.

There was nobody better in the history of the game.

Until this year.

To understand the different between Larry Bird and this new guy I'm about to discuss...before we dive into the playoffs which is Alpha Dog II...we have to also know two things.

There's sausage and pepperoni.....like there's huskies and there are pugs.

The Alaskan Malamute might be the neatest dog to ever live.

That would be Larry Bird.

The amount of things you can do with a Malamute are mind boggling.

That sonumabitch can even pull a sled.

They scare the living daylights out of mice and cockroaches.

They're theatrical and emotional -- the only dogs that hate it when you pick on other animals...and know how to proper play fight with your cat without hurting it or getting angry.

This is Larry Bird, and why I say he's the best to ever ever play.

Until 1984 of course, and I'm sure you can guess why.

But anyways...Larry Bird's body...simply didn't last long.

Neither do Alaskan Malamutes.

They live 9 years healthily.

So did the virtuoso...that was Larry Bird.

Up until now, Bird's rivals are two gifted labradors in Magic and Dr J...and a cool bassett hound named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Never before had they seen the Black Russian Terrier.

Michael Jordan.

This was God watching the 1984 NBA Finals, and intervening.

For how in the world do we begin to talk about Mr. Michael Jordan.

There was only one.

One.

And this is coming from someone who disliked him simply because everyone else liked him.

So I would nitpick.

Like we're doing now!

For I don't think there is one single dog who needs to be walked and lays more turds and wastes more of our time while watching those turds drop....then Michael Russian Terrier Jordan.

People who can't play sports are continuously watching Jordan out there...and they're not thinking of his moves on the court...they're thinking of how he sells himself, they're mimicking the obnoxious way he always speaks to us, they're measuring the amount of credit they give their own teammates on how little recognition Jordan gives his own.

The Bulls during the next decade will be busters beyond busterity.

But his immediate help...were the four coolest basketball personalities to EVER EVER PLAY.

We'll get to that, because the NBA Finals hubs will soon be pretty much dripping in Chicago basketball.

But for now, Jordan is brand new, and entering this intense film "Alpha Dog"...only to pull all the fans out except the absolutely coolest of us...who are still watching the end of "Alpha Dog" first.

Michael Jordan...in a word...was a one man movie.

Michael Jordan when he was younger was ABSOLUTELY INVINCIBLE.

Magic and Bird could not stop him.

All the Lakers and Celtics combined couldn't keep him from putting up 15 points on each of them in the same god damn game.

Michael Jordan.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

His Airness, baby.

You came to the right place to find someone else who liked Michael Jordan.

But anyway, back in 1985, Magic and the Lakers were like pepperoni pizza while the Celtics were sausage.

Now what's the one that all of America likes?

But it's kind of nasty, isn't it?

And this is how America turned to pepperoni instead.

You can buy Laker basketball at the grocery store that's actually delicious. It could be microwaved...it could be left out...you don't even need the pizza to enjoy it.

So that's kind of what happens from 1984 to 1987.

The world goes from sausage...to pepperoni...until Michael Jordan comes around and is essentially a pepperoni with lots of sausage trying to stuff itself inside him.

When he was playing, the pepperoni was awesome.

But ever since, that sausage has been enslaving it...making it fulfill the kind of horrendous schedules and PR campaigns that make it very clear why there's a movement against fiction writers who can be set for life and not have to even be awake before noon.

This will be an important year, 1985, because Jesse James Hollywood now has to get the hell out of the country. He's wanted for murder one.

Larry Bird would hop a plane to Brazil and attempt to marry some girl there so he could stay in Brazil....forgetting that due to never carrying a passport...he's now an illegal immigrant, and will upon discovery be deported.

Meanwhile the rest of the Celtics, who were allowed to sleep all day and not mow the lawn around a dad who had 900 pounds of pot growing in the yard...will be stunned as the police come and dad is GIVING THE SONS AWAY TO THEM!!!!!

That's the catch of a guardian who lets you do whatever you want. If your mom and dad are hard on you and strict, there's a slight chance that they will indeed fight to death for you if that shit should happen to you. Not Frankie Bellenbacher's pop.

The Lakers will study game tape, they will listen to phone conversations:), they will get sources for information, and they will enlist the help of the wonderful A.C. Green.

A.C. Green is an admitted virgin, and it's for religious purposes.

He is not even six-foot-six...and a rebounding and defensive machine.

A.C. is in fact....Interpol.

Clearly this is not an American based athlete.

And so the Lakers with help up front will go back to the Finals against Boston.

And bring them back into the country.

Boston mistakes the Lakers for a cousin, and gives them a hug all the while not knowing that this is a Uruguay special task force operative who has been following him since the pre-season.

Jesse James Bird is seized in six games, with the final embarrassment happening IN BOSTON.

A life sentence.

For the Celtics from this point in history will bow down to the Los Angeles Lakers until Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. And even then...it's still Kobe's planet.

The Celtics of today are THUGS TOO!!!!

But at any rate, the Los Angeles Lakers were the 1985 NBA World Champions.

FINALLY!!!! Jerry West screams, aka Sharon Stone.

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