CMLL Tuesday Preview: Going Through the Motions
We’re a little less than five hours away from tonight’s CMLL Puebla as I type this, which means we’re only a little more than a day till CMLL’s Tuesday show. The work is never done folks. Luckily when you have a card as mediocre as tomorrow’s show is…I don’t know where I was going with that. Sorry folks, this is going to be a hard show to be upbeat about aside from a good looking main event and the greatest luchadora to ever live. That’s the breaks of the Tuesday show; sometimes they surprise you and other times it’s like being stuck between a rock and a pale piece of shit. And lord knows you never want to be stuck next to a pale piece of shit. But enough about my buddy Skitz’ trials and tribulations during a show last night, it’s time to get this over with. Moses, meme it all away!
Bengala & Leono vs. Akuma & Artillero
What to Expect: There are good starts, there are bad starts and then there’s whatever the hell this match is right here. It’s the Ben-Hur remake of opening matches. And while I do have a track record of getting these picks wrong I’m guessing this match is going to live up to the title. I can pretty much take or leave everyone in this match save Leono, and even he is prone to being hit or miss. Let’s just hope the effort is high, the time is short and that the pizza guy is arriving just as this match is about to start.
Winners: Throw out the usual rules; the technicos are taking this one here two falls to one. And yes, not a single fuck will be given at that moment, aside from maybe the family’s of these four. Of course as this is lucha libre these four luchadors probably all have siblings fighting higher on the card/elsewhere that evening, so perhaps even their families won’t care. Dark, very dark.
Fantasy, Shockercito, Stukita vs. Mercurio, Pequeño Olímpico, Pequeño Violencia
What to Expect: Never mind the rudo team; look at all those beautiful technicos we’ve got! There’s Fantasy, who I’ve never seen but hear good things about. There’s Shockercito, the one true Shocker! And you’re damn right that’s Stukita, the king of the minis who continues to breathe that nice clean air after being held prisoner in Blue Demon Jr.’s Miami villa. Those three alone should make this match a must see as long as the rudos make the effort to run to their spots and catch all three when they do their in ring dives. It won’t be what it could’ve been if someone like Demus 3:16 was involved but it’ll still be entertaining none the less.
Winners: Technicos. Like anyone in their right mind could pick a rudo team like that over a technico team like this! That be a crime in every Canadian province I tell you.
Lluvia, Marcela, Princesa Sugehit vs. Dalys, Tiffany, Zeuxis
What to Expect: THE QUEEN! I knew there was a reason I had a good feeling going into this preview. All Zeuxis worship aside this match sets up to be pretty damn good. Sure Tiffany is in it, but there’s always a chance she comes out dressed like Suicide Squad Harley Quinn again (an always entertaining sight) while Dalys and the Queen are so good that they pretty much cancel her out anyway. Same goes for the technico side where above average veterans Marcela and Sugehit will be heavily featured while Lluvia gets another chance to show off some improvement. If I were booking this match I’d have it feature a lot of Sugehit/Zeuxis and Dalys/Marcela interactions while Tiffany and Lluvia are kept to quick bursts so they don’t get exposed. As long as that happens this should be pretty good and should provide a sneak peak at the trios match five of the six luchadoras here will be competing in come the Anniversary Show.
Winners: I’ve never bet against the Queen and today won’t be the day I start. Team Zeuxis heroically picks up the victory in the third fall with Zeuxis pinning budding rival Sugehit via totally legal shenanigans.
Lightning Match
Blue Panther vs. Ripper
What to Expect: In the words of Derek Zoolander when he first glimpsed a model of The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good (And Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too), “what is this?!” Seriously folks what is this? I understand why Blue Panther is here; even in the twilight of his career the man still brings every time he walks out and is a flat out wizard at match structure. But Ripper? The guy whose energy output is equal to that of the corpse you see in the first five minutes of Law & Order? UGH! This is why we can’t have nice things folks; well that and the Ben-Hur remake. Seriously can someone tell me why Executive Producer behind Lucha Underground actually thought a remake of the film that gave us the Chariot Race and “RAMMING SPEED!” was a good idea?
In any event you get my point; Ben-Hur the remake was unnecessary and so is this match here. Sure it could potentially surprise; Blue Panther will line up this match to work the best way possible, he’ll certainly take it to the mat where he works best and Ripper has shown to be capable of a high spot or two. And hey, surprises do happen all the time; who would’ve ever thought Green Day would go from pop-punk legends to full blown rock legends off the strength of the first ever punk opera? I’m just not seeing it here. All the best to Panther and his effort, but Ripper is just such a lifeless performer to me that I cannot see this being anything more than 5 to 7 minutes of by the numbers, sleep inducing lucha. Wake me up when Ripper leaves. See what I did there?
Winner: It really doesn’t matter as neither guy is making the Anniversary Show or the mystery show later in September. That said Blue Panther is still a guy who you can count on for any show while Ripper is…Ripper. Thus I’m going with the lucha legend. May it be around the five minute mark, or when the pizza guy arrives. Don’t judge; maybe he was late getting there, maybe you preferred the pizza then or maybe just maybe you wanted another pizza. Who doesn’t?!
Rey Cometa, Súper Porky, Titán vs. Bobby Z, Morphosis, Olímpico
What to Expect: Is it wrong that 50% of my excitement from this match comes from wondering who Súper Porky’s replacement is? You know its coming and you know it’s probably going to be someone awesome ala Star Jr. replacing Porky just a few Tuesday’s ago. Whoever it is the addition by subtraction automatically makes this match more interesting. A match with Porky would mean a lot of comedy spots and the slowest moving luchador in the history of the western hemisphere. With Porkster, Titán, Cometa and whoever is the third man will now be able to fly around as often as they want. That should be more than enough to make this match watchable; what will determine its greatness is whether Bobby Z is allowed the time to show off what he did in short spurts Friday or if he’s benched in favor of Morphosis and Olímpico. If there’s a Cthulhu in the sky it will be the former.
Winners: This is a match you know the technicos should win so naturally CMLL will give it to the undeserving rudo team instead. Bank on that here with the technicos going down in the third fall while we all contemplate the meaning of existence. Very deep I know.
Máximo Sexy, Valiente, Volador Jr. vs. Euforia, Niebla Roja, Último Guerrero
What to Expect: I’m going to sum this up blunt force trauma style; if Zeuxis wasn’t on this card this match here would be the only one worth truly getting exciting over. What a sad commentary that is on the rest of this card huh? Even if the card was stronger though, this match would be tough to beat. There’s not a single weak performer on either the rudo or technico side and it also comes complete with the continued Sky Team-Guerrero issues that are building towards the Trios Championship match at the Anniversary Show. That should pick up big time here with Volador being joined by Valiente, who should more than make up for the loss of high flying ability Máscara Dorada provided in last week’s match. Look for this to be fun and to be the Match of the Evening, even though it only needs to be merely good to accomplish that.
Winners: Last week we had UG steal the victory from Volador with an unseen low blow in fall three. If I was in charge I would give Volador his win back this week to set up a singles match between the two on next week’s Tuesday show, where the match ends up getting so out of control that the other members of the Sky Team and Guerrero’s get involved as well. There’s no chance that aspect will happen, but I do see Volador eking out the victory and getting revenge. Why not do the angle leading to greatness next week then? You’ll have to ask Paco Alonso, provided you’re able to find the key to his hidden fortress hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth. I’m not joking; that’s actually a thing.
There you have it you crazy bastards. I’ll be back tonight with your CMLL Puebla review and then again tomorrow with two new columns. One of them may or may not be pretty cool; you’ll just have to wait to find out. Till then, an unprovoked shot at a pale piece of shit.
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