CMLL Tuesday Preview: Pierroth v Shocker (Dawn of Suckage)
My goodness we are short on time here; CMLL Puebla is only a half an hour away, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (The Ultimate Edition) still has more than fifty minutes left and I still have to crank out this CMLL Tuesday review before the movie ends and Puebla begins! I blame flat tires for this. Don’t ask why, I just do. In any event, tomorrow’s Tuesday show seems to have the same feel as tonight’s Puebla show; some good matches, some bad matches and some matches that are all sorts of just kind of there. So it goes right? What the hell; I said I’d die trying to preview and review all of these bad boys and that’s exactly what will happen. Let’s start; Moses, my girl wants to meme it all the time, meme it all the time, what the hell is wrong with me?!
Acero & Astral vs. Pequeño Universo 2000 & Pierrothito
What to Expect: Here’s what you can expect; an opening match where four guys are allowed to mat wrestle, do a couple of in ring high flying moves and then go backstage to revel in the fact that no one will remember what just happened. What a shame huh? Here’s some good news though; STUKITA IS COMING BACK THIS FRIDAY! Sure none of us will ever get to see it because CMLL is off Claro Sports for the next few weeks and CMLL bizarrely isn’t using their YouTube channel to broadcast the show, but who cares?! The young man has finally escaped from Blue Demon Jr.’s Miami villa to enthrall us once more. Well at least until Paco Alonso finds out and imprisons him again because he’s stealing the spotlight from Shocker.
Winners: Rudos. When it doubt go with the rudos. It’s one of the great rules of life, along with always wanting the kick after the siren and making sure no one else is around when you make a pizza. You put in the hard work, you deserve all the glory!
La Vaquerita, Marcela, Sanely vs. Amapola, Tiffany, Zeuxis
What to Expect: Good lord what to make of this match? On the one hand it’s got at least two luchadoras who I could go a couple hundred lifetimes without ever seeing again. On the other hand, ZEUXIS! And as we all know, Zeuxis is the cure for…well pretty much everything. You could put her against Giant Gonzalez, Jackie Gayda and the Great Khali all at once and I’d still watch the match just to see her turn those turds into a Ben-Hur style epic. And I’m talking original Ben-Hur, not the new one that clearly exists so Morgan Freeman can finance whatever passion project he’s got lined up next.
The love of my life aside there is a few other things to get excited for with this match. There is Marcela, who if nothing else is capable of pulling off some nice high flying moves and providing some general excitement. And then there’s Sanely, the new comer to the luchadora ranks. She had her first major match for CMLL a few weeks ago on Puebla and even though she’s got a ways to go she looked to possess all the tools to become someone. For the love of all things hopefully CMLL allows her to mix up with Zeuxis exclusively here. Can you imagine them throwing poor Sanely against Amapola and Tiffany this whole match? Her confidence will sink faster than Jack Dawson after he froze to death in the Atlantic. Dammit Rose, YOU KNOW THERE WAS ROOM ON THAT DOOR!
Winners: Team Zeuxis. Never bet against Zeuxis folks. And yes, this is another rule in life. I swear this is the last time I’ll be bringing those up.
Blue Panther Jr., Stigma, The Panther vs. Fujin, Okumura, Raijin
What to Expect: Unless a miracle falls out of the sky this match is easily going to be the Match of the Evening and the most interesting match of the evening. There’s simply just too much talent between the two sides and too much chemistry between the Panthers and the Japanese boys for this to go badly. What I’m most interested in seeing is the continued growth of Junior, Fujin and Raijin in this bout. All three have made significant strides over the last several weeks, and this situation suggests all three should be able to deliver again. We’ll see if they can; I expect Fujin and Raijin will get a healthy dose of Panther and a rejuvenated Stigma while Junior tangles with Okumura, continuing his trend of learning the ropes from above average veterans.
Winners: This has to be where the Panthers finally get a win right? They got hosed out of a win last week, Panther for some bizarre reason lost to Luciferno in a lightning match recently; sooner or later they have to do the Obi-Wan Kenobi and turn the ship around. I’m thinking that’s here, with them and Stigma picking up a 2-1 victory. Naturally I’ve now jinxed it and Okumura will be pinning both Panther and Junior at the same time while Paco Alonso does the Dr. Evil laugh in his secret underground volcano lair. That’s right; I just gave Paco another evil lair. Have a problem with that? Don’t care!
Lightning Match
Fuego vs. Puma
What to Expect: The only problem this match has is that it won’t be given the time to be something more than really fast and really fun. Good thing it’s going to be both of those things then right? I’m not sure he’s on the level of some of the better high flyers in CMLL but Fuego is a really solid talent whose is more than capable, a fact even more apparent with him going up against one of the best young rudos in Puma. I say they get a solid seven minutes and as long as there are no botches this should be plenty good.
Winner: Puma is higher on the pecking order than Fuego by a large margin, so look for him to be the one to pick up the win unless there’s something being set up here. Spoiler alert; there’s nothing being set up here. Well other than Puma’s never ending quest to establish himself as the greatest Puma in lucha libre today.
Johnny Idol, Rey Cometa, Súper Porky vs. Kráneo, Niebla Roja, Ripper
What to Expect: This match comes down to two things for me; how good this Niebla Roja guy is and if/who Super Porky is replaced with. If Roja has the chops and Porky is replaced by say a Dragon Lee/Mistico/Caristico/Atlantis/anyone with a pulse than this match could actually have a tiny chance for Match of the Evening. Well that and Ripper being used as little as humanly possible. Do those three things and this match otherwise features enough talent on the face side and the always entertaining Kraneo to carry this match to something promising. And yes, my attention is going to be focused on Mr. Livin on a Prayer himself Johnny Idol. I really liked what I saw from him and fellow newcomer Sam Adonis last week, and I’m hoping he continues to build off that once again.
Winners: It would make no sense at all for the rudos to win this match. Thus I’m totally picking them to win two falls to one, with Ripper getting the pin on Idol followed by me practicing my fastball. And yes, the bedroom wall will be serving as the catcher.
Máscara Dorada, Pierroth, Rush vs. Shocker, Terrible, Vangellys
What to Expect: Ladies and gentlemen I have seen QPR get throttled Manchester United, I’ve bared witness to hopeless romantic comedies trying to compete with superhero films opening weekend; I’ve even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel (just kidding. Or am I?!). I’m not quite sure I’ve seen anything that features so little talent and yet so much talent at the same time like this match does. Let’s start with Shocker, a performer who would easily be the least talented performer in this match by several miles if not for the fact that Pierroth was somehow in it. These two aren’t just bad; they’re Halle Berry’s Catwoman bad; they’re Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice bad if Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was actually bad (spoiler alert; it’s great. Don’t listen to the machine!). The fact that they’re both weighing this match down with their mere presence is bad enough; the fact that they may end up fighting each other for EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME THOUGH?! I think I speak for everyone when I say NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! I think I’d rather watch Tommy Wisseau recite Shakespeare then see these two wrestle each other.
Thankfully those two are somewhat canceled out by Rush, Terrible and Mascara Dorada, one day before he surely thrills WWE fans once again in his Cruiserweight Classic match with Tajiri (Vangellys is also there, but he’s neither bad enough to harm the match nor on the level of the three top dogs to effect it enough on a positive level). I’m not sure how much of an effect they’ll have, but I can tell you that Dorada remains as electric as ever despite the potential of him leaving CMLL in the next few months while Rush has quietly become one of the best (and possibly the best) luchadors in Mexico despite not appearing for CMLL in the last several weeks. Seriously, go watch his matches with L.A. Park on the indies or Elite; they haven’t just been great, they’ve been borderline classics that have risen Rush to a level that some have referred to as “Bruiser Brody esq”. If he carries over the same drive he has when facing off with Park here while Dorada flies high and Terrible is his usual self, it won’t matter how meh Shocker and Pierroth are. Please Rush, bring the goods here. Also don’t hate me for saying your father is terrible. I’m only trying to speak the truth here!
Winners: I take it this match will be used to set something up for Rush at the Anniversary Show, especially now that Dragon Lee will be taking on La Mascara instead. Thus I’ll say that Rush gets screwed over by one of the rudos, setting up a trios match for the Anniversary Show. If there’s any Cthulhu in Paco Alonso’s head, the guys he’ll be feuding with is Terrible and Vangellys, not Shocker.
That’s it folks. I’m off to review CMLL Puebla. Turns out I couldn't get this done till after the show! Till the review drops, some more Unagi!
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