Hockey Boxing

An Idea Whose Time has Come?

Though we have a hockey team here in Houston, we're really not that big into the sport. Such is true for most southern people. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go watch the movie, "Slap Shot".

I'll Make a Fortune...

I've decided to hold boxing matches 30 minutes after the hockey games, so fans can pay to watch the hockey stars bash each other's brains in. I figure that hockey boxing will probably be more popular than the hockey games; instead of watching a bunch of grown men beat a little puck all over the arena, we can see the matches that truly excite us : hand to hand fighting.

Hockey sticks will be allowed, and the players may fight in their uniforms (including padding). The "tie-down" rule of fighting in pro hockey will be waived to ensure maximum bloodshed. Glooves will only be worn by goalies, and they will be free to weigh them down with metal objects.

Qualification will not be held through a boxing commission, but based on time fighting during a hockey match. The qualification may be waved if the scheduled fight is a "grudge match". Hockey referees will also referee the hockey boxing matches. Their main function will be to decide if someone is "knocked out". They will not interfere with the progress of the match in any way but one: they may bullwhip a hockey boxer who appears be unwilling to fight or finish his opponent.

Hockey boxers will be paid bonuses if they continue to beat on an opponent who is down. Extra special bonuses will be paid to hockey boxers who kill their opponents. Bonuses will also be paid for the amount of visable bloodshed in the arena. Upon conclusion of the match, a player from the loser's team may immediately fight the victor in order to "get even".

I'll make a billion $$$...

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