How You Can Make America's National Pastime More Exciting
Notice to all of America:
I love you all. Please do not get upset. I am simply trying to do something different with something that has not changed since Abner Doubleday's first cry of, "Play ball."
Baseball is what I am referring to. And the only thing I ask of you is please be honest with me and yourself when I ask, "Do you think that the game of baseball can be a bit dull?"
I do. And what do Americans do when there is something to be done? They do something about it.
I am an American. And I am doing something about the game of baseball having its dull moments by telling you, "Mr. Daring American," "You Can Make America's Pastime More Exciting."
More baseball action
Just how will "I," "Mr. Daring American"
pull this off? Well, I am glad that you asked that question. It is as easy as eating a banana cream pie on a hot Summer's day. You can't ask for anything more easier than the ways I have for "you" to help all of America when you do these things below to make the all-American game of baseball more exciting.
- When the game begins, run onto the field waving an American flag and yelling, "I love America," to the top of your lungs. Even when the security guards start chasing you, keep yelling this chant. Honestly, it is tough to arrest someone who loves America as much as you do.
- Run up to the home plate umpire and hand him a cold soda, then run away. This will empty both dugouts each team claiming the other team is trying to bribe the ump into calling the pitches in their favor. The crowd will love it.
- Sneak into the broadcast booth and take over the microphones and say, "Time to sing The Star Spangled Banner," then run away. This will give the announcers something to yak about between innings.
- Dress up like legendary baseball announcer, Harry Caray, voice of the Chicago Cubs, and get free seating. Then ask for free beer and hotdogs for the entire section. No telling what free stuff you can get during the game if you can stand the heavy costume.
- Fake jumping off of the top level of the stadium. All of the cameras will be on you and the crowd will appreciate the break and getting to stand-up.
- Dress up in a uniform of one of the teams who are playing and when a team manager calls for a new pitcher, YOU trot to the pitcher's mound and throw wild pitches, walk all of the players you can and when the angry manager runs to toss you out of the game, run away yelling, "I love America."
- Get to the home team's locker room and drain all of the whirlpools, put up a sign that slurs the team name and sign it from the opposing team's manager.
- Do a dance like the famous Rockettes on the field when you feel that the game has become dull and listless.
- Bring a trained billy goat with you and turn him loose onto the field, but you will have to be extra-careful. If the goat bleats loudly, you might get caught.
- And when the policemen corner you after a lengthy-chase, you salute them, shake their hands, and surrender quietly while yelling to the crowd, "Aren't these police officers a great bunch of guys?"
Wrigley Field, Chicago, 1962
And one more thing
"Mr. Daring American," you did one great job of putting some life back into the game of baseball.
Don't worry. Your sentence will not be over six months in the city jail because the judge that ruled over your case loved how you sang, "The Star Spangled Banner."
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