How to Be "The" Perfect Sports Fan
It's Football Season. Again. And . . .
I want to share a few thoughts about football, and other sports, at this moment.
Well, not necessarily thoughts about the sport of football, but where football is mostly-played, inside dome stadiums. I am serious. Some NCAA college football games are played inside climate-controlled domes, all designed for the fans' convenience. And it goes without mentioning that most NFL football games are also played in multi-billion-dollar dome stadiums (i.e. Jerry Jones Cowboy Stadium, Arlington, Texas).
But for the fans of high school, college and NFL football, and other sports that are played both inside and outside, I have something to talk over with you. Something serious. Something that we all could benefit from.
"How to Be 'The' Perfect Sports Fan," that's the title of my story. I mean no disrespect to those fantatic's who paint their entire bodies and spell out "P-A-C-K-E-R-S," or even "H-I, M-O-M,' with spray paint. I am all about rooting for one's team. Which in all intents and purposes does have a direct-affect on the teams on the field, on the diamond, the ice or hardwood.
How can fans yelling at the tops of their lungs "not" affect the teams? If "I" were a member of a team "working my guts out" for my school or organization, you can be your deflated-dollar that "I" would appreciate someone yelling for me to "block that punt," or "smash a mouth"!
But sadly, there are "some" sports fans who carry the term, "fanatic," to dangerous, obnoxious and foolish levels. I don't have time to list every single act of vulgarity, but I feel that you get my drift.
I am volunteering to "step-up to the plate," pardon the pun, and try to put a damper on these vulgar and socially-scorned exhibitions that "these" wild sports fans I am talking about, seem to think makes their school, team, or organization look cool, tough and intimidating.
And if you are a serious sports fan and have allowed "this" type of unbridled stupid fanmanship get into your blood, well don't have a mental break-down, for help has arrived.
You, yes, you, sitting there in your comfy recliner because you were banned from all sporting events at your favorite team's arena for "mooning" Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner. Just follow these easy-to-do tips that I call, "Ways to Be "The" Perfect Sports Fan," and those around you, including family members who changed their names, will love you again.
NOTE: these tips are NOT just for guys, but both guys and girls. No one can ever accuse me of discriminating against either sex.
at Any Sporting Event, DO NOT
1.) Yell at the top of your lungs in the ear of the person sitting in front of you. I mean putting your mouth only centimeters from their ears and yelling, "knock 'em dead, Vikings!" This action might get you either beaten-up by this fan and his friends, or evicted from the arena. Or both, depending on how tolerant the fan you offended and the security guard named "Carl," is toward a wild person like you.
2.) Eat your snacks and allow the mayonnaise, mustard or catsup to drip onto the fan's coat that is next to your seat. He or she probably paid good bucks for that coat and now, because you tried to watch the game and eat at the same time, you may be out $200.00 for this fan's coat. Be sensible. Eat first. Then yell.
3.) Cursing people out on the field or in the stands will get you in legal trouble quick. People in 2012 are not as boisterous as they were in the 50's or 60's when public sporting events were unregulated. So unless you have a great defense attorney, keep the curse words to yourself. If you must curse, I suggest you buy a mannequin to take to the game with you, but keep it in your automobile until after the game and when you start home, let out all of your frustration at the ref's bad calls by cursing the mannequin out, not your wife, husband or children.
4.) Talking randomly to fans who are sitting near you will only make you very unpopular even with the fans of your own team. These people paid good bucks to watch their sons and (daughters too, thanks to the Federal Government), play the sports they love. You carrying on a conversation about "how your gynecologist said your female parts were perfect," and "how you got your husband to do some 'role play' in the bedroom," will not go over. At all. And do not be offended if the people you have been yakking to all begin to move to different places.
PERFECT SPORTS FANS
5.) Showing your children's birthday, graduation photos to fans who are trying to watch the game is not cool. If you want to do this after the game, great. But not during the game. Now unless you have this fetish about loving to "get cursed-out by strangers at sporting events," then leave the photos in your purse, or wallet.
6.) Arguing with fans who might be for the "other team," is strictly-forbidden. Security guards at sports arena's are on the look-out for people who argue uncontrollably with fans from other teams because this can lead to brawls and then arrests. Do you really want to be seen on the evening news being led to a police cruiser with your coat over your bleeding head?
7.) Pestering fans around you to tell you the time because you forgot to wear your watch may seem mild, but if you do this every ten minutes, you will receive an angry look from the fan who is wearing their watch.
8.) So you do not have a great seat, so what? Do not continue to ask the people sitting above you, "what did our team do on that play?" or else you might be told to leave. Take a battery-powered radio with you to the game and use an earplug. That way you can keep up with the USC Trojans and leave the game "in the know."
9.) Throwing empty beer containers, peanuts or crunchy pretzels (in anger) at some fans below you who cheered when "your team" got penalized for unsportsmanship-like conduct, is a no-no in anyone's book of "sports etiquette." In some states, acts like this can be considered "battery," and you could serve a few days in jail just by not controlling your anger. Eat first, then be vocal, not at the fans, but in the air. That way, you will feel better and no one can say you hit them in the head with a stale hot dog-
10.) Being a smart alec for no reason at a sporting event is just asking for trouble. I am all for attitude because your team is in the Super Bowl. Be cool, not a fool, is always the best rule of thumb for a happy sporting event experience.
Things TO DO at Any Sporting Event to Be "The" Perfect Fan
1.) Laugh and be merry. No one appreciates a grumpy, short-tempered sports fan, and besides, the odds of you getting into it with another fan is nominal.
2.) Keep those big foam "we're number one" fingers away from fans' faces and ears. It's best to just NOT wave them at all if you are a hostile fan area.
3.) Be quiet when arguments break-out. Even if you are at fault. Don't make things worse, simply tap one of the participants in the argument softly on the shoulder and say, "look! A possible home run, or touchdown!" This diverts the angry people's attention away from you, but if the home run or touchdown doesn't happen, move to another area.
4.) Do not stand in anyone's line of sight. Be respectful of other fans' right to enjoy the game. And do you really love to hear, "sit down, jerk!"?
5.) Agree on everything a fan near you says to you about their team. Example: "I know that my quarterback is a third-stringer, but hey, he is doing a great job," and you quickly say, "you got that right, and I'm not a fan of your team," then laugh. What a great diplomatic move on your behalf.
And finally . . .
6.) Always wear plenty of deodorant, cologne or perfume for fans around you do not want to smell "your" body odor for three and a half hours even if The Green Bay Packers are winning The Super Bowl in 2012.
This is your sports reporter in-the-field, Kenneth "pigskin" Avery, reporting. And be careful driving home.
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