Shock, horror, it's official Michael Owen is a diver!
Is diving ruining football?
One of the worst kept secrets in football is now official, Michael Owen has owned up to deliberately diving to win penalties.
Apart from some Liverpool fans who even after Saturday still seem to be incapable of spotting one of their players doing a “Daly” this has been a well known fact for well over a decade. I hope someone has sent a medic around to the Pulis household, as Owen’s current manager is no doubt choking on his cornflakes, given his personal crusade against diving in the past couple of weeks. I should think today’s admission by Owen is about as welcome as an unannounced visit from his good friend Arsene Wenger…read it here first tomorrow’s headline will be “Michael Owen suffers career threatening injury in training, manager goes into hiding.”
Anyway it was revenge for the hand of God, so that makes it okay to cheat; how did the ref miss that by the way, the evidence was clear, his fingerprints were on the ball. Talking of God, this news comes after Steve MacMannaman’s revelation that good old Born again Christian Glenn Hoddle ordered the team to go down easily. “He instructed us to go down if we were touched in the penalty area because he knew that’s just what the opposition would do." What a wonderful Christian attitude, but then again the bible does say an eye for an eye, so I suppose that’s all right then. As England fans we don’t mind of course, Owen did it for Queen and country against those nasty Argentineans, who as the media kept telling us for years were cheats and although we may not be able to win a major trophy, we always win the Fair play award……oops.
This is the problem of course; everyone keeps telling us it wasn’t an English and problem until Johnny Foreigner brought it into the English game and I can exclusively reveal which foreigner it was , although personally, I blame Judith Chalmers as Francis Lee and Rodney Marsh must have been watching Wish you were here as there were very few foreign players in the first division in the Sixties and Seventies. The only famous foreign player I can think of back then was Bert Trautman, which proves the point without a doubt that it was the foreigners who introduced diving into our leagues. How many times did he dive in a game and what’s worse, he did it in every single game, so what if he was keeper; he was foreign and he was a serial diver.
Talking of God, It must be true that only foreigners dive as Sir Alex says it's so. He said there are plenty of players diving but the foreign players are particularly bad. Can’t argue with that after the Suarez dive on Saturday - it was bad, it wasn’t even a good dive, it was a very, very bad, not like a good English dive. He then added that his Nani didn’t dive; I should hope not she’d be far too old and could seriously damage herself.
If I was a director at Specsavers I’d be on the phone asking Fergie if he wanted to do an advert; Wellbeck against Chelsea and Wigan, Ashley Young was publically admonished for “Overdoing it”( although he forgot to add again) and Rooney has been booked either twice or three times for simulation. To be fair to United’s English forwards it’s not just them, that Mexican bloke that Abba sang about has also been done twice by the men in black for simulation.
Talking of Specsavers Roberto Martinez had a lucky escape in not taking the Liverpool job. The fact that he got fined £20, 000 by the FA for telling the truth (who says honesty pays?) proves that his eyesight is still fine as he clearly saw Wellbeck dive and then saw the same player go unpunished for an over the top tackle. I say he had a lucky escape as manager's of all the top 6 teams seem to suffer serious vision problems as soon as they join a top club. Look at Brendon Rogers, perfect eyesight last season and totally missed Suarez's perfect six on Saturday.
They’re all as bad as each other of course; The Ivanovich swan made the veins stand out on the neck of Tony Pulis, who strangely seems to think that throwing the ball into the net isn’t cheating and nor is stamping on a player's stomach. (That man Suarez again, he really should have a word with super Mario and find out where they sell those Why always me tee shirts). Even lily hearted Arsenal over at the "Emigrates" are at it, although at least it wasn’t an Englishman conning a free kick just outside the box by doing a “Wellbeck”, it was that Swedish under 19 player Carl Jenkinson.
If the Europa cup in on it must be a Spursday and Gareth Bale added to his latest long list of Swallows (dives that is) on Saturday; great player, but cut out the theatrics. Like Andy Murray he’s not English so that’s okay when he dives; however, like Murray he magically becomes one of ours when he is making Maicon or Rio look slower than Joey Essex.
On a more serious note diving is ruining the game and it’s getting beyond a joke. Fifteen of the 33 players done for simulation this season have been British so it’s a problem for everyone and it is irrelevant how it developed. Let’s go down the Scottish route and ban players retrospectively.
Have a panel sit on the Monday and if a player is found guilty of simulation then ban him and make it hurt, really hurt. Simulation is really not funny; humiliate them, let them know how many games the ban is by holding up a scorecard reflecting the artistic merit of the dive. If they get done twice make them wear a big D on the back of their shirt for the rest of the season. If they merit a perfect 6.0, 6.0, 6.0, a la Suarez on Saturday then put them in stocks before a game and let the opposition fans throw rotten fruit at them,
Diving is ruining our game and it is time to stamp it out.
The Japanese take on the Suarez dive. (Really funny video, even the odd Liverpool fan should enjoy this.)
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