NOT ANOTHER PISTONS MOVIE -- History of the NBA Finals Part 40
In Hollywood they make alot of spoof films.
The Zuckers make them, the Wayans' make them, and in 1989 -- the Pistons and Lakers would make one.
The 1989 season was a parody of alot of things we've seen. It was almost identical...to Not Another Teen Movie.
The NBA stars out there seemed to be playing formulaic additions to the Basketball Season Movie genre.
There was Larry Bird portraying the White-Celtic-Who-Messes-Up-His-Foot-And-Can't-Play.
He would have bone spur surgery around November, and watch the rest of the season from the sidelines. :(
There was Mark Jackson, playing the role of Guy-Who-Thinks-Its-As-Simple-As-Simply-Passing-To-Patrick-Ewing-Yeah-Who-Would-Have-Guessed-That-This-Was-All-It-Took-To-Get-Them-To-Win-Gee-What-A-Genius-We-Thought-We-Had-It-All-Down-But-You-Oh-Ho-Your-Innovation-Really-Taught-Us-Things-PWWWWW-Dumbass.
Jackson would win rookie of the year :)
There was the Guy-The-NBA-Puts-In-Because-They-Want-A-Lightning-Rod in Manute Bol.
There was the Ridiclous-Chicago-Personnel-Move in trading Charles Oakley for Bill Cartwright.
There was Bill Laimbeer, playing himself and almost killing Scottie Pippen.
This was Billy Bob from Varsity Blues...who is playing Reggie Ray in Not Another Teen Movie. The character in real life had said that if anyone's going to parody him...it's going to be him.
There was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar -- Jake Wyler the star quarterback -- who shows up at the school with such idol worship that his retirement party goes on ALL SEASON IN EVERY SINGLE ARENA. Just like Jake Wyler couldn't get five feet without seeing a shrine to himself, or a framed picture of himself, or have painties thrown into his hands...Kareem could not go to a visiting game at halftime without people praising him, giving him speeches, and ALWAYS ALWAYS giving him something to take home.
The final home game at the forum in April 1989 would feature a halftime extravaganza of canoes "The Cap'N Skyhook", a rocking chair for the old man to rock in...(Magic you're a goofball), and then...to top it off...a beautiful red Rolls-Royce.
Kareem would sell the Rolls-Royce eventually.
Just like Jake Wyler will make a bet with Janie.
And then of course there were Pistons as usual --
Well let's get back to the Finals, Mister...Lets-Get-Back-To-The-Finals.
And of course there were the guys who get their cheers stolen -- the Phoenix Suns.
But as the prom has taken a heated turn, and Janie runs off crying or sad or whatever...(she looked like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink at her prom, I thought that was kinda cool), Jake takes the form of the Detroit Pistons.
The L.A. Lakers...are Ricky.
Janie leaves the prom pissed.
Ricky and Jake will try to get her.
They discuss this.
"The trophy's going to end up with me," said Ricky. "I'm the one who's been here the whole time? The Lakers? Showtime?"
"Yes," said the Pistons. "But I'm the reformed cool guy. She'll see that I've seen the error of my ways...and forgive me."
Ricky had to hand to Jake. He had a point there.
So it was on.
The 1989 NBA Finals.
Ricky will try to beat Jake to the airport where Janie is going to, as the monitors say, "Art School In Paris".
The Lakers will go straight through the playoffs with not a single loss...
Then comes the practices before Game 1.
This is where Ricky is hit by the first truck --
For Byron Scott will come down and tear his hamstring.
Scott would not suit up for Game 1 versus Detroit in the 1989 NBA Finals.
But it gets worse for Ricky as he recovers...only to find himself hit by a bus.
Magic Johnson will tear his OWN HAMSTRING AND IT'S THE SAME GOD DAMN LEG AS BYRON!!!!
What the fuck? Doesn't anybody do warm-ups? Stretches? Movie stars, I tell you.
Regardless of the advantages Jake has, Ricky will incredibly get very very close, though Jake is in the lead after 2 games in Detroit.
It is here that James Worthy...becomes Molly Ringwald the check-in clerk at the airport.
"Janie, stop being such a dumb ass," he says. "And you...Jake...mister Bad Boys Detroit Pistons...don't you know what the fuck kind of easy win this is? Back in 1983 I broke my god damn leg and the Lakers had no chance. Not even a little. Well now there's no more Magic or Byron Scott, and your best god damn players are in the BACKCOURT!!!!! You can sweep them!"
"Sweep them?" asked Jake. "Well...how do you know?"
Worthy looked at him like he was silly.
And so Jake gets the girl.
The Detroit Pistons were the 1989 NBA World Champions.
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