Recipie for a Bad Camping Trip
A how-to guide
In order for you to trust this recipe it is first important to trust the experience of your instructor. I am very experienced at cooking up bad camping trips. I have actually been on what is most likely the worst camping trip known to mankind (outside of being attacked and killed by natives, in which case I might concede that would be worse) and it is that camping trip that I base this recipe off of. I know at this point, as you read these words, you are probably saying to yourself, “Why should I believe this author?” you don’t even know me, but I contend that if you simply read on you will see just how beautifully disastrous this recipe can be.
First you will need some very specific ingredients in order to properly whip up a bad camping trip of your own (keep in mind that not all of these ingredients need to be gathered at the beginning of this endeavor but they must be mixed in at some point on the trip). If you really want your camping trip to live up to its lowest potential then I highly recommend that you take no short cuts; really do this the right way.
You will need to start with a group of friends (three or more) one of whom has altitude sickness but doesn’t know it. Add several thousand pounds of gear that has been amassed over the past six, or seven hundred years, most likely by only one of the individuals who is participating in this endeavor. Stuff all of the gear and the individuals into some type of four wheel drive vehicle, and shake very vigorously for several hours by taking some of the roughest jeep trails in America. This should sufficiently upset the one member of the party who has altitude sickness to a point that he will complain loudly and often of the many discomforts of the journey. This situation will become more important later.
After traversing over several mountains and making a few attempts at setting up camp, only to be chased from the woods by large clouds of blood thirsty mosquitoes, you should find a suitable campsite, preferably after dark. Now it’s time to set up camp. If you have timed your trip to correctly coincide with the local rainy season and the weather gods smile on you it should start to rain just as you begin to put up the tent and unpack the mountains of gear. You will, of course, need to get the tent up quickly so that the party can huddle inside with the wet gear.
After the rain subsides it is time to make the traditional campfire. Thanks to the previous deluge there shouldn’t be more than six pieces of dry wood within one hundred miles. After searching for these six pieces for several hours in the dark and suffering several minor injuries do to stumbling over the plethora of incredibly wet firewood you will finally return to camp with the only one of the six pieces of dry wood in your local. This particular log will be only slightly dry and should be fairly large. It will have lots of knots in it and once you get it lit will prove to be the most explosive piece of wood that any human has ever set a match to; sending large embers flying great distances as it pops and cracks in the fire pit. These fiery missiles of destruction will hopefully burn several holes in your tent so that way when the rain starts again in several minutes there will be a few leaks for you to deal with.
This whole process of rain, rough mountain roads, and campfires that rival the cauldrons of hell should be repeated for several days until at least two of the group are ready to engage in mortal combat just because one likes jumbo sized marshmallows and one doesn’t. At this point you load all the soaking wet gear, that somehow doubled in size, back into the vehicle and make the trip back home without anyone speaking to anybody else outside of an intermittent comment or two about someone’s mother, or questioning the legitimacy of their birth.
If this recipe is followed closely, after all is said and done, you will have had an amazing experience not unlike one that our pioneer ancestors might have experienced. You will have learned some valuable lessons about yourself and your friends. You will know how to defend yourself from a hatchet wielding buddy who is obviously perturbed by your statement that jumbo marshmallows are the best. You will know that tents are water resistant not waterproof. And most importantly you will have vowed that from now on the closest thing to camping you will do is staying in a beach cabana at a Jamaican resort.
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