SUPERPAX -- History of the NBA Finals Part 44

1992-1993

John Paxson was born on a planet called Krypton.

John's the younger brother of Jim Paxson...a sixth man on the new late 80s, early 90s Celtics while Danny Ainge was helping bail out Portland and Phoenix. Like Jim, they didn't listen to Danny, and while it didn't matter for Danny...the Suns and Blazers saw alot of good times anyway...the Celtics would not...and Jim would be escorted out of his career finale giving the crowd on the road the finger.

John is Jimmy's brother -- famous for the Vinny Del Negro fight he had recently because Del Negro said that Noah was ready to play when Paxson was the one who was actually a bad ass in the NBA and broke down with Noah-type injuries because unlike the yes-he-can-shoot Del Negro, John Paxson of the World Champion Chicago Bulls was simply...as the kids say...a motherf*cking g.

It would be no surprise thus, that John Paxson would miraculously appear in the movie "Superbad" with Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan...and be known as...as those wingnuts say...Jimmy's brother.

Paxson will even be hit by Kryptonite, as his knees and back will start to give out like Bird's did.

It will be the first year that Pax is not in the starting lineup for Chicago since he joined them.

Coincidentally, it will be the first year in the Bulls run...that other teams can beat them.

Blow Job Armstrong could not cut it.

The Phoenix Suns had stocked up even more then usual, signing Barkley and having Ainge and Tom Chambers coming off the bench.

The New York Knicks had gotten rid of Mark Jackson and Xavier McDaniel in exchange for Charles Smith and Doc Rivers. This was literally the point in "Superbad" when Fogle returns all happily to school with a fake I.D. that says "McLovin".

Why the FUCK WOULD YOU GET RID OF THE X-MAN AND MARK JACKSON?! Seth yelled. WHY DON'T YOU KEEP THEM LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!

Because, Fogle Riley replied, Smith and Rivers are the most normal players in the whole league, watch freaking SportsCenter for once.

New York City was like Michael Cera trying to calm Seth down -- relax, it's going to work, it's passable you know? The Bulls are either going to think "great, another shitty Knicks team" or "here's the Knicks...the 60-win...busters...with eons of liabilities and weaknesses. Now what's it gonna be Fogle?"

Elsewhere the Cleveland Cavaliers had gotten Gerald Wilkins under the impression he was going to play defense.

??????!!!!!?????

So the Bulls go to the playoffs, they get booze from the party by going 7-0, and then came the Knicks series -- the trip on the bus.

They run into John Starks, scruffy and homeless, rising from the rear and going -- HEY!!! IT'S YOU!!! MCMUFFIN!!!

Starks will shatter Chicago's bottle of Goldshlick.

Chicago advances anyway, for they still have tons of liquor, but now Paxson might not get any pussy from Becca.

They go to the Suns' house where the big party is -- and what do you know -- Becca's drunk off her ass and basically handing Michael Cera the championship.

The Bulls go up 3-1 in Chicago because Becca has offered to blow him.

But then she throws up, and Seth meanwhile passes out by first headbutting Jules accidentally and almost breaking her nose.

But the next morning the Bulls went to Phoenix to go buy some new pants for college.

Superman II (since Jordan's the original Superman and Pax is the second coming), will watch the Phoenix Suns just send everybody in Metropolis down the street with their super-breath while Pax is left on top of a shattered, toppled bus...before flying off.

Chicago would watch their heroes...flee without conquering General Zod and Charles Barkley.

Little did they know that the Bulls were going to take them down back at the Fortress of Solitude...in the desert.

It's there they see the girls again.

Paxson, hit by Kryptonite and Becca's vomit, will be let off the hook by a discombobulated Danny Ainge who thinks he's going to stop Horace Grant in the paint all of a sudden.

It was 98-96 with five seconds left...and Horace Grant's greatest five seconds ever, as he finds Paxson wide open for a three-pointer that will send him into the archives of history.

Paxson for three---

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE HITS IT!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT?!!!!! HAAAAAA!!!! YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

We were all Superman fans that day.

And after Horace blocks Kevin Johnson's foul-up...Michael Jordan grabbed the basketball.

After all...Michael even hogs the motherfucker when the game ISN'T going on.

Give it to Pax next time you asshole.

The Chicago Bulls were the 1993 NBA World Champions. They had three-peated, and Jules was about to give Seth some funky butter...as was Becca about to do the same...to Jimmy's brother.

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