"Sucking for Luck"

The prize for rank hideousness.
The prize for rank hideousness. | Source

Installment #1

It is toward that ultimate prize – a QB of the Manning/ Brady/ Favre franchise-making caliber – that a weekly survey of the NFL’s worst follows. These winless franchises are salivating at the prospect of Andrew Luck sporting his trademark number 12 jersey in their team’s colors next season.

The bottom feeders currently at the front of the line for Luck are the following five winless teams:

KC Chiefs

Indy Colts

Minnesota Vikings

St. Louis Rams

Miami Dolphins

This week’s marquee matchup in the “Suck for Luck” derby features a “must-lose” debacle between the Chiefs and the Vikings. This game should come with a parental warning that it is not for the squeamish. Bottom line, it’s a contest that my beloved Chiefs simply cannot afford to win. When facing another member of the bottom feeders, a loss is the only way to stay in the hunt for Andrew Luck. Problem: the game is in Kansas City’s Arrowhead Stadium and although the Chiefs sport a horrendous wanker of a quarterback in the person of Matt “Panic Ball” Cassel, the Vikings may be even worse with Donovan McNabb at the helm. Prediction: Vikings will fail to lose by two points. Chiefs go 0-4; Vikings ‘slip’ to 1-3.

The Colts came with an inspired effort in a 23-20 loss against Pittsburgh Sunday night and one was left to wonder if they were specifically inspired by the national audience tuning in. If so, they should again be fired up by a Monday night matchup on the road against Tampa Bay. The Colts D looked fairly strong but without Peyton Manning, the offense continues to look arthritic and constipated – two adjectives which may accurately describe current quarterback, Kerry Collins. Whether it’s Collins or Curtis “House” Painter this week, Tampa should win comfortably at home. Predictions: Colts comfortably go 0-4.

St. Louis is surprisingly this bad. They missed the playoffs only on the last week of the season in 2010 and have a talented young QB already in Sam Bradford along with star running backs Steven Jackson and Cadillac Williams. Of the remaining winless teams, St. Louis seems likely to finish with the most wins, baring unforeseen injuries. This week they host the 2-1 Washington Redskins. Prediction: Rams win by three.

Miami is another surprisingly winless squad. They go on the road to battle the San Diego Chargers this week. The Dolphins have amassed some name offensive talent in Reggie Bush and Brandon Marshall and while Chad Henne is far from a top-tier NFL quarterback, he’s no Curtis Painter either. The Dolphins will start winning soon, just not this week. Prediction: Chargers by four.

The 1-2 teams that remain in distant contention for Andrew Luck include Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Denver, Seattle, Carolina, Chicago, Atlanta, and Arizona. Of those, the most likely to rejoin the bottom feeders in the coming weeks: Bengals, Jaguars, Broncos, and Panthers. Stay tuned.

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