THE TWO MIDWESTERN QUARTERBACKS WHO SAVED PITTSBURGH -- History of the Superbowl Part 36

2005

Plaxico Burress will be discussed in the next hub, but know something -- the Steelers rise comes, amazingly, with HIS DEPARTURE.

Because the Steelers had somebody that made him obscelete, as in, only good for one or two things in comparison to what this particular guy brought --

Antwaan Randle-El.

Antwaan Randle-El and Tai Streets are the reason that Kevin Garnett didn't win a basketball state title in Illinois with a Farragut High School team from Chicago that people on the other side of the country still talk about. (look up "Ronnie Fields", you'll shit the freaking bed when you see what this guy could do)

They were both on Thornton from Harvey, Illinois, and have been little else since that day in March 1995 but...big time.

Tai Streets became reciever on the 49ers and caught lots of touchdowns.

Antwaan has caught touchdowns, thrown touchdowns, filled in holes for touchdowns, kickoffs, punt returns.

Randle-El turned down $80,000 when he was 18 from the Cubs farm teams.

His mom said IF COLLEGES ARE ACTUALLY GONNA LET YOU HAVE FREE TUITION GEEEE, I WONDER WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO, YOUNG MAN.

Randle-El hasn't touched anything stimulatory or artificial since he was about 10 years old.

He had a bad experience on a roller coaster, and his mom was the first person who saw his eyes afterwards.

That was the end of THAT.

Randle-El is about as big time as it can possibly get.

I used to tell people when he was at Indiana -- watch this cat.

Wanna know what my dickhead friends said?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Dawwwwwwg...you have no INKLING as to what it takes to be one of those NFL guys.

The fun part was I was too stupid to mention that he could do more then just be a quarterback, which meant that I was left to defend my position that he could be an NFL-style quarterback.

Thus eight years later, in this Superbowl we're about to speak of, inadvertantly, they would have to suck on deez nuts.

For Antwaan throws a touchdown in the Superbowl.

Randle-El makes about 30 million dollars now with the Redskins.

With the Steelers in the first title run of 2005, he was everything that we thought Steve Tasker and Devin Hester could be.

Roy Williams of Oklahoma is having his life wasted on the Detroit Lions.

But the fun part about the 2005 was the Indianapolis Colts.

This was their year.

Tony Dungy was already having to fight the idea of watching the Superbowl and sports world ripped away from his workbench.

Now he has to be a special ed teacher.

For Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Joseph Addai, and the entire Indianapolis defense...will not win tomorrow.

Why?

Oh it would be nice if they did. Indianapolis would have two world titles. That's like Cleveland having two world titles.

But the Colts are hooked on phonics.

I was a special ed teacher myself. And yes...I will freely call Peyton Manning dumber then the kids I was working with.

At least an autistic kid has IMAGINATION.

At least a down's syndrome kid has FLAIR and SPUNK.

Stage prescence.

What the fuck does Peyton Manning have?

How many times has that poor mother of their's been grazed in the eye because Peyton and Eli are throwing the football to each other inside the house?

The Colts are so good this year that the fastest player on their defense...can be stopped cold on a straight-up arm tackle by Ben Rothlesburger.

Once this happened, the Indianapolis comeback was sunk.

It was 21-3 and then 21-18...and then THIS happened.

Colts almost had it.

But at any rate, we have to see Bill Cowher's face while we only get the pleasure of HEARING the great Mr. Dick Enberg.

"PEYTON MANNING WITH A...QUESTIONABLE PERFORMANCE..."

One of the big problems, outside of handi-wipes which special ed teachers could always use more of, was that Tony Dungy had to sell something on his team all season long that was ACTUALLY LEGITIMATE.

How the HELL DOES ONE DO THAT?!

Every single salesman out there sells CRAP.

How do you sell something that's actually GOOD?!

Who would trust you if you actually did it the way salesmen are trained to? Because they've been trained...to sell CRAP.

So this is what happens to Tony Dungy.

He tells them -- we're gonna be world champions soon.

Just like EVERY COACH tells their team.

But the Colts truly were soon going to be world champions.

See?

He fucked them.

He set them back.

He didn't mean to...but he did.

Now these guys are NOT believing in themselves more and more with every little thing their coach tells them.

And the Steelers advance.

Antwaan Randle-El, in these playoffs, will be used to take a direct pitch from center, run right, and pitch it back to Rothleisburger who has now ALL THE TIME MADE UP that he lost from the blitz.

See? Deez nuts.They're clean like mirrors now thanks to my friends' dutiful non-football-fact-spewing-lips.

Their opponents would be the Seattle Seahawks, who should have been up 24-3.

Instead, they're up 7-3.

They lose.

Mike Holmgren has Shaun Alexander the running back doing everything in a scheme that is ODDLY ODDLY familiar to the ones employed habitually by Dick Vermeil.

Dick Vermeil runs a form of West Coast Offense...WITH a black workhorse.

For consistency purposes, it's important to know that Jon Fox was in fact in the NFC Championship game against with Carolina.

The Carolina Panthers would bully around a team that we're going to talk about in the next hub, that we haven't discussed at all, not even a peep...the Chicago Bears...

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