The Naked Olympics - A Fun Look At How Our Athletes Would Cope Today!
Long ago in ancient Greece, when men were men and women were grateful, the Olympics were the highlight of the year. There were lots of men competing, but no women, which was probably a good thing, because all the sports heats were done completely in the nude. Buff, butt naked, or as my friend used to say, nekked as a sparrow on a roof. Whatever that meant. The games were taken seriously, yeah how? Um, sorry lets get back to the point and show a little bit of history for you to prove that I know what I am talking about. Okay here goes.
The ancient greek word for exercise literally means stark naked. So every time you go swimmng, take time out in the gym etc you are not exercising, oh no. You are butt. Naked butt.
The Olympic games were a religious festival in honor of Zeus, and the demands were out of the ordinary and carried out with much grovelling and bowing. Not a pretty sight when you are naked. Women were not even allowed to watch, that must have been a blessing in disguise, but then again maybe not. I can't think of better way to spend the afternoon myself, but there you go. The good thing was that women could compete sometimes in the equestrian events, but only by proxy. The first woman to win was a spartan Princess.
But we are getting off the subject. I digress. What the heck does that mean? Anyway, naked Olympics. Um.
Back in the day they used to do all manner of different sporting events, but these days there are a whole lot more. For a start they didn't have bicycles. Now that would be so painful its actually funny. I wonder how long you could ride the bike for before you started to get butt burn?
I suppose you could combine the cycling with the old fashioned joust like we used to do in England. Carry a long pole and just knock the person off the bike. Instead of being angry at your opponent you would just be grateful that the pain was only in your shoulder. And the cool grass will help with saddle soreness!
Now this is a sight to behold. Loads of men rushing around a rugby field clutching the ball stark butt nekked. Evidently its quite popular in certain places around the world! This picture was taken in New Zealand.
Now, I don't know about you, but rugby? Surely tackling each other to try to grab the ball has got to be dangerous! The rules of rugby are, you get the ball, get ready to kick it over the poles and that's how you score. Its called a Try and a Conversion. Seems to me that if they get a bit too close there will be more Tries and Conversions than was necessary!
Good 'ol American Football!
Now see? Look how safety conscious this guy is. He is wearing a helmet. So that's okay then. Did someone forget to wash his clothes? Maybe he overheard someone say nude is the new color! I don't think that running naked up a pitch with just a helmet on is actually going to give him any sort of protection, but hey who knows?
So I am planning on writing to the Olympic committee and stating that this should definitely be in our Olympics. We are trying to get back to the ancient games, do as they do etc and so on. And I believe this is the way. One question though, what about streakers? That's part of the fun watching any football game or even rugby. At one stage there is always a streaker that comes running onto the pitch. What's the angle with this game? Are they going to invade wearing full body armour or even a suit? I am sure that everyone will go mad looking at those tight pants!
Now this one looks very civilised. People swimming around in the pool tapping a ball over the net. Like fishes swimming in a fish tank. No I am not going to mention tackle, put that thought away! I actually think this one will catch on. Just think how much you would save on electric, you could use this as your daily bath. Just get out the soap and shampoo and you are well away. Just hope it stays nice and warm otherwise they may just catch more than a ball. I hear strange things happen when you sit too long in cold water!
Naked pole Vault
Now in case you haven't noticed, I have given this guy a bit of dignity. Believe me, you wouldn't have wanted to see the original! Oh there are so many remarks I could make about this, grab the pole, run along and jump as high as you can. Just make sure for goodness sake that you grab the right pole! The mind boggles at the thought of making that mistake!
What I want to know is, what happens if you land in a wrong position? I mean, it could be really painful couldn't it? Enough said!
The Wobbles of Wimbledon!
Long hot summer days, the sound of tennis balls on the court, strawberries and cream and oh, what's that? Look out Ethel it's a nekked man on the court! Now if Wimbledon was like this it would be packed out to the rafters! Game Set and Match, Fifteen Love and Deuce! I wonder if the Royals would sit through this?
To be fair, I think the guys would get away with it, but the ladies? Nah! Bit to much wobbling and bobbling! I can't see Andy Murray our British hope from Scotland doing it. He looks miserable at the best of times, let alone being asked to do a streak on centre court! But hey who knows? Maybe it will put a smile on his face!
So get out the chairs, lay the tablecloth on the ground and get yourself ready for the Wimbledon you have always wanted to see!
So, which one do you fancy taking on? I believe that naked Olympics should definitely make a comeback. Just think of the money you would save if you didn't have to buy all that kit! No shorts, no T shirts and definitely no socks. We could all afford to do this. I personally think that butt nekked trampolining would be best but hey ho that's just me.
Not a pretty sight though! So when you are sitting down watching those boring people race around the track, trying to beat their own records and thoroughly doing our heads in because they have taken off all the great programs on tv, just think, it could have been so much more interesting!
copyright nell rose
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