The Summer Guide
How To Get Ladies At The Beach
There’s nothing like the beach. Stepping onto the sand in your bare feet and feeling the millions of grains go through your toes feels so OH MY GOD IT’S BURNING HOT! AHHH!
After you put your flip flops back on, there’s nothing like the beach. The beautiful ladies walking around, scantily clad, tan and gorgeous; the sculpted Adonis-like bodies of the beefcakes; the simple joy of a kid jumping through the water and running away as fast as possible from the tide; the fish, the sunsets, a cold beer and a lawn chair. The possibilities for perfect relaxation are endless. Some people even read. It’s a unique place that offers a little slice of paradise for each square foot of the beach.
Imagine watching the unbelievably cute co-eds walk by and not knowing what to say or how to get them to sunbathe topless on your roof. Well, there are a few surefire ways to get the attention of the women at the beach.
Step One: Pack on the pounds. Seems antithetical to getting women, right? Wrong. Trust me – the last few weeks of spring, as the airheaded masses start pretanning, starving themselves and trying every diet on the planet to drop enough pounds to finally fit into the swimsuit they bought back in December on clearance that’s five sizes too small. It’s obvious that it’s a pathetic, hopeless exercise. This is America. We deep-fry butter. Butter. And that’s what you should be eating – anything you can get your hands on. Mountains of mashed potatoes and butter; giant steak in butter sauce; ice cream covered in butter; twelve-tiered burgers – you name it, you eat. Trust me, it’ll pay off.
Step Two: Shave. Shave it all. Wax it. Get rid of every hair on your body through any means necessary. Space age lasers, waxing or weedwacker, it all works. Just make sure you put on some rash guard before you get smoother than a freshly waxed marble floor.
Step Three: Get some diapers. Huge ones. When you go to Target or the Wal Mart and look around through the plus size swim shorts (which, if you’re at Wal Mart, are probably the regular sized swim shorts), skip ‘em. Just buy a case full of sunblock, a bonnet, goggles and as many swim diapers as you can possibly find.
Step Four: Eat. Keep eating. Oh, you’re not done yet. Refry the deep fried butter. Fry your own hand and eat it if you have too. Get as portly as you possibly can.
Step Five: Get a pacifier. Trust me on this one.
Step Six: Put the swim diapers together into one mega diaper. Make sure it fits.
Step Seven: Strut your stuff on the sand. Throw on that mega diaper, strap on the bonnet and suck on that pacifier. Your perfectly hairless body and fresh portliness should drive the women crazy. See, women LOVE chubby babies. They can’t get enough of them. They want to cuddle with them, take them home and sleep in bed with them. You’ll be the biggest baby of them all. It’s a perfect plan! It can’t fail!
Step Eight: Thank me. You’re welcome, you stud, you.
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