Top 10 Reasons why Football is Stupid
Top 10 Reasons why Football is Stupid
Gabillions of fans follow it, thousands of humans play it, a few unfortunate souls make a living from it: it's football and it's stupid. We'd be better off standing in a field covered with bacon fat waiting for passing grizzly bears, but for some unfathomable reason we tend to prefer football to outdoor activities.
Herein we present the Top 10 Reasons incontrovertibly pointing to the stupidity of the sport. Many more reasons exist, but in the interest of brevity and possibly squeezing out a few more articles on the subject, the list remains capped at 10. Feel free to append your own addendums to the Comments box as the bottom: you will not be censored unless you are a Browns fan.
The Top Ten
10. Everyone gets hurt. The game causes injuries beyond the wildest dreams of orthopedic surgeons. Professional running backs survive an average of less than 4 years in the league. Punters, long snappers, cheerleaders, and popcorn vendors regularly pull hamstrings or suffer career-ending sunburn.
9. Rookies make too much money. Unproven players fresh out of college realize yearly salaries beyond the wildest dreams of wildly successful orthopedic surgeons.
8. Every field is the same. Baseball stadiums offer a modicum of originality. Football fields are cookie-cutter predictable length-wise and width-wise. Every field is depressingly flat, stupefyingly green, and inordinately free of obstacles. At least X-games competitors have to skate around stuff and jump over stuff.
7. It's a closed system: Even the wealthiest of the wealthy are shut out of this invitation-only club. The number of teams is locked down tighter than the cue cards at a Miss Universe Pageant. A truly fair league would permit more teams to join so more people could earn a living.
6. You can't say the name of The Big Game: All-pro lawyers have worked long and hard to prevent sentient humans from accidentally uttering the Official Name of the championship game. The actual contest doesn't usually turn out to be all that super anyway. It hasn't been played in a bowl for a long time.
5. They keep adding games: Despite the plethora of injuries, league busybodies continue to add more games to the schedule. The last undefeated team to win the S***r B**l won 12 games in the regular season: now it's up to 16 and within a few years it will jump to 18.
4. Players get fined for floppy socks: Every game has assigned to it a former player responsible for policing uniform violations. Pregame inspections include the threat of fines and severe finger wagging.
3. The scoring is misleading: A game in which 1 touchdown is scored may end up 7-0, but it's actually 1-0. A soccer game boasting such a score would be considered tedious and unworthy of attention by football fans.
2. The quarterback doesn't even call his own plays: These prima-donnas get to wear a wire. Their helmets include radio receivers connected to coaches clutching plastic-coated play charts contrived by graduate-level statisticians. No other players are granted such a luxury.
1. It's not NASCAR: Everyone knows the only true sport is a millionaire turning left at high speed in a multi-colored car with a carburetor.
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