Top 10 Reasons why NASCAR Racing is Stupid
Ever been to a NASCAR race? I thought not. Here are my top 10 reasons why NASCAR racing doesn't rock. Read on and learn something.
10.1. The sport is completely personality-driven. Drivers who have never won a race are featured on ESPN. Drivers who almost never win a race but have famous parents are celebrated like rock stars.
10. How many ways can you go in a circle? It's loud, but it's boring. How do you know who's ahead? You can't even see the race from the infield.
9. Technology is 90% of the race. An average driver in the best car has a better shot at winning than the best driver in an average car. The engineers should be paid more than the drivers.
8. The Biggest Race comes first. They call their Daytona 500 the Super Bowl of NASCAR. It's in February. It's the first race of the season.
7. The drivers are high paid pitchmen. How long until they tattoo sponsors' names on their foreheads?
6. It's too easy to get killed. Boxing is dangerous, but driving at 150 mph 6 inches from a bumper is deadly. The list of fatalities is long and depressing. NASCAR racers carry 17 gallons of liquid that is designed to explode. Most of the time it explodes properly in the engine; all too often it explodes in a fireball that endangers participants and spectators.
5. All the cars look the same. Actually, all the cars are the same. NASCAR designed and legislated the COT (Car of Tomorrow), then inflicted it on all racing teams. You can only tell a Toyota from a Ford by the decals.
4. The engines are carburetor-ed. You can buy a Fuel-Injected Anything from every new car dealer in the United States. NASCAR requires mechanical fuel delivery systems.
3. You can't play unless you're a millionaire. Despite efforts to dumb down the technology (carburetors, solid rear axles, etc.) teams spend millions in wind tunnels trying to wring out the last tiny iota of speed. Hopefully no irony gets lost; wildly expensive state-of-the-art development programs producing diminishing returns applied to cave-man cars.
2. They actually reward teams for not racing. In a strategy that would impress the US Department of Agriculture, NASCAR pays racing teams when they qualify for a race, then run one lap and intentionally drop out. Referred to as Start and Park, this strategy allows teams to avoid carrying a pit crew and avoid paying for the expensive sets of tires that wear out during a full race.
1. It's not a sport. Sure, the drivers sweat a lot and get tired during a race, but no one pays to watch me mow the lawn. NASCAR legends Tony Stewart, John Andretti, and Robby Gordon have all driven the Indy 500 race and the Coke 600 NASCAR race in the same day. Even the great Jim Brown never played two NFL games in a single day. A movement among team owners is pushing to shift the start of the Indy 500 to 11AM so more drivers can attempt this tedious double-dip.
0. The drivers are selected based on their draw. Danica Patrick couldn't win in Formula 1 and won't win in NASCAR. She's a girl and was given a car for that reason. She didn't earn her ride.
-1. A number is not an adjective. Saying something such as "The 47 car spun out and mowed the lawn." is a grossly improper use of The Queen's English. Normal people say "Car number 47 spun out and mowed the lawn."
-2. People still take this list seriously. Good grief, it's people driving in circles with other people pretending to watch.
-3. NASCAR rules clearly state that the car qualifies for the starting position, not the driver. Dale Jr. qualified on the pole for the 2011 Daytona 500, then wrecked his car and was bumped to the rear of the pack because he would be driving a different car.
-4. You can't play in the rain. All outdoor sports play in the rain. Football, baseball, cricket, Australian Rules Football, Canadian Football and even soccer all play in the rain. A sprinkle sends the NASCAR drivers scurrying for their designer golf carts to take them to their designer mobile homes.
-5. The season never ends. Yawn. Races are under-attended because the market is saturated.
-6. They throw helmets at each other. When a millionaire pitchman driver finds himself spun-out in the infield, he doffs his decal-laden helmet and hurls it toward another millionaire pitchman driver's car. That's how they fight. I've seen more aggression on a 6th grade playground.
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